Archive for June, 2010

I Hate Me, Part 188,027

the best part of shopping at Acme

I was doing yard work and had to run to the store before I picked my wife up at work. Late afternoon traffic dictated that I should go to Acme instead of Foodtown. The Acme is in Fair Haven, It’s smaller than Foodtown and is usually more crowded, I try to avoid it when I can. Anyhow, I had to pick up a bag of lemons and a roll of paper towels. I got to the checkout and the total was $5.98. I paid with a ten and my change was $4.02. The best thing about Acme was their checkout change dispenser. the change comes down a chute, it’s like you won something. So the clerk gave me four dollars and there should have been two cents from the dispenser. There was one. Now, I didn’t give a shit about the penny but being a conscientious guy I wanted to let them know that something was wrong with the dispenser.
Clerk- Here’s your four dollars, did ya get your pennies?
Me- …uh…actually…I uh…only got one….but…
(we both started to speak over each other, and of course there was a line behind me. I could hear their exasperated sighs, the same as I would have done if our places were reversed)
Clerk- Oh..so we owe you...
Me- Nononono, I don’t care about the penny…I just..
Clerk-…so…you don’t want the penny…
Me-..I thought you might have run out of pennies…or something’s…
Clerk-…so you do want the penny..
Me-nonono…I don’t care about the penny…maybe it’s broken…I just wanted to…to let you know.
I grabbed my items and fled and was bummed out that my favorite part of shopping at Acme was ruined.

Fun with Simon & Garfunkel

pay attention

and voila!

If you take the cover of Bridge over Troubled Water and strategically place a bunch of post-it notes as shown, it appears that Garfunkel has turned into lantern jawed goon with a molestache*

(* a moustache favored by molesters)

I Like Records 37

A regular, a down-on-his-lucker came in to sell some cd’s and dvd’s. He does this from time to time and while the titles are usually crap, we always manage to buy some of it. We had just made a deal and Matt went up to the office to get money from petty cash. While we were waiting for Matt, there was the requisite uncomfortable silence, which I tried to fill with pointless small talk.

Me- Well…you had a lot of dvd’s today.

Guy-…Yeah…There’s a guy I know and he gives me a lot of dvd’s… that he don’t want no more.

Me-…yeah…that’s cool…

Guy-…Yeah…he’s got a lot of pornos too.

Me-……….oh…….that’s good…

Guy-Hey, I’m not gay or nothin’

Me-…I didn’t say you were gay…and I…I don’t give a shit what you do.

Guy-Yeah but I ain’t…we don’t watch ‘em together or nothin’

[SILENCE]

Me-….uh….yeah…it sure is fuckin’ hot out there today….

Guy-I’m not gay

[SILENCE]

And after what seemed like hours but was merely a couple of minutes, Matt finally showed up gave him his money and he left.

If You Squint (Mets 2)

Matt from work brought this up and I tend to agree
Mets pitcher Jonathan Niese resembles actor and ex Sonic Youth drummer Richard Edson.  Although it’s kind of tough to see it in these photo’s, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Thanks.

Niese

Edson

I Hate Me, Part 270,091

Back in my no girlfriend havin’-drink too much-wallow in self pity days, there was a series of comfort meals (although they were more like I Give Up meals) I used to make and while tasty they were akin to pointing a gun loaded with bacon at my chest and firing. These meals should be enjoyed with warm beer or cold coffee. Weeping is optional. Bon appetit.

TOAST TOWER
1 Loaf of Pepperidge Farm Toasting White
Butter

Turn oven on to low, place large serving platter in it.
Toast bread and butter it.
After buttering toast, place on platter in oven.
Repeat until loaf is finished.
Remove toast filled platter from oven.
Stack toast on another plate.
Eat toast.

BACON SANDWICH ITALIANO
1 Pound of bacon (thick cut)
1 Loaf of Italian bread

Slice Italian bread in half (longways), hollow out loaf.
In a pan, cook bacon to desired crispness.
Remove bacon from pan and drain on paper towels.
Fill bread with bacon.
Eat sandwich.

BOWL OF MEAT
Enough ground beef to fill a large frying pan
Season and cook ground beef to liking.
Drain grease from the cooked ground beef.
Put ground beef in large bowl.
Eat.
(NOTE: on a particularly horrible day the cooked ground beef can be eaten directly from frying pan)

Excerpts From the Weekly Meeting of Superman Inc.

*Approval of further meetings and a cost breakdown of the viability of moving the offices of Superman Inc. from it’s current headquarters located at the Fortress of Solitude (address: 1 Fortress of Solitude Plaza, Suite 19-25. Fortress of Solitude, Antarctica 10031) to downtown Metropolis.

*Voted to stop production on all solid red Superman t-shirts, and caps due to possible gang affiliation. Voted to start production immediately of the Louis Vuitton style Superman clothing and accessories.

*Legal department still working on licensing approval for Superman name and likeness to be used for a line of condoms and martial aids.

*Coordinate clean up and repair of downtown Metropolis with Lex Luthor’s assistant Todd. The cleanup mainly concerns last weeks unpleasantness. MAKE SURE that all employees from Lexcorp sign for any equipment they use, we are still missing two bulldozers from the last time we worked with them.

*Jennifer from the public relations department is working on a positive spin and damage control after TMZ reported last week of the “epidemic” of flying puppies being traced back to Superdog right after he did a series of Spay & Neuter PSA’s.

Listen

Buzz Martin-A Logger's Reward

At the risk of style biting from the far superior Devildick music blog (a link is on yr right), here’s something I bought a little while ago. Buzz Martin-A Logger’s Reward. I don’t know much about this record, I think it’s from the mid to late ’60′s and it’s a variation on the Red Sovine, Dave Dudley style of truck driving songs. Martin sings exclusively about logging and the men who drive logging trucks. He’s from the pacific northwest and he has some odd phrasing (also there’s some clicks and skips on the songs which don’t help his phrasing). The back of the album (released by Ripcord records) has an ad for another Buzz Martin album the amazingly titled Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a Man. Excuse the quality of the recordings.

SONGS BELOW:

Since they repossessed my used log truck The road inspector

I Hate Me, Part 114,742

It was sunday morning and I went to Dunkin’ Donuts to get a coffee for my wife and I. It was a short line and I ordered, paid and waited. Also waiting was this couple who had their coffees but didn’t get their food yet, they were dressed for the beach. Before I get into her rant, let me begin with the word CARAMEL. Now I’ve heard it pronounced CARAMEL or CARMEL, maybe I’ve been living under a rock but this woman pronounced it carMEL sounding like the first name of basketball player Carmelo Anthony. I’ve never heard it said that way and it made it all the more annoying. The woman was unhappy with her iced coffee and let it be known to anyone with ears:
“There’s no fucking carMEL in this shit (shaking large iced coffee), I wanted to go to fucking Starbucks but no, you had to go here…pffffffft…I ordered fucking carMEL and there’s like no fucking carMEL in this fucking shit…Here fucking taste this shit (before the guy could taste it) can you fucking taste any fucking carMEL in that shit…huh…no…there’s no fucking carMEL (grabs coffee back, slams it down on the ledge near the counter)…When I…order fucking carMEL, I fucking want carMEL…Fuck!” She then stormed out, I was right behind her. She held the door and said to me “Fuck Dunkin’ Donuts” and lit a cigarette.

A Message From the Pretzel Council

We at the Pretzel Council don’t condone murder (even for those fanatical anti-pretzel activists), but if murder must be committed, why not use a pretzel?
Here’s four easy steps to a perfect pretzel murder:
1) Obtain giant pretzel (We recommend Das Pretzel King or Tiny’s Artisanal Pretzel Works. However you should avoid Salto’s Pretzel Town as they don’t belong to the BPBI (Brotherhood of Pretzel Benders International))


2) Freeze giant pretzel.
(You should use a dedicated pretzel freezing unit, they are available at most pretzel manufacturing supply outlets)


3) Use giant frozen pretzel as a bludgeon or sharpen the giant frozen pretzel and use as a blade
(There are many instructional video’s online concerning pretzel sharpening.)


4) Thaw and eat pretzel
(You should first clean the giant pretzel/murder weapon. There are quite a few pretzel cleaning products out there, we recommend Pretzel Glow.)
Murder most foul? How about murder most delicious.

PRETZELS! NOT JUST FOR EATIN’!

Pretzels made this happen!

Shrek glasses, not first recall for McDonalds

(A&P Press, reported by Lenny Harris)
– Fast food giant McDonald’s Corp. announced last week that it is recalling over 12 million of its new “Shrek Forever After” glasses because dangerous levels of the metal cadmium have been detected in the decorative paint used for the images. McDonalds said it is ordering the recall in collaboration with the U.S. Consumer product Safety Board (CPSC) as a precautionary measure. This is not the first recall for McDonalds, here is a list of the others:

2010- Promotional toy dragon for the movie How to Train Your Dragon was found to leak napalm used for “authentic fire breathing”

2008-Joker helicopter included in Batman Happy meals was made of used syringes

2003-Spy Kids Happy meals included radioactive uranium yellowcake

1998-Toys for the Mulan Happy meal were found to be made of Chinese dissidents

1993- Flintstones coffee mug exploded when hot liquid was poured into it

1977-Grimace drinking glasses found to be made entirely out of cancer

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 772 other followers