Archive for June, 2010

I Hate Me, Part 188,027

the best part of shopping at Acme

I was doing yard work and had to run to the store before I picked my wife up at work. Late afternoon traffic dictated that I should go to Acme instead of Foodtown. The Acme is in Fair Haven, It’s smaller than Foodtown and is usually more crowded, I try to avoid it when I can. Anyhow, I had to pick up a bag of lemons and a roll of paper towels. I got to the checkout and the total was $5.98. I paid with a ten and my change was $4.02. The best thing about Acme was their checkout change dispenser. the change comes down a chute, it’s like you won something. So the clerk gave me four dollars and there should have been two cents from the dispenser. There was one. Now, I didn’t give a shit about the penny but being a conscientious guy I wanted to let them know that something was wrong with the dispenser.
Clerk- Here’s your four dollars, did ya get your pennies?
Me- …uh…actually…I uh…only got one….but…
(we both started to speak over each other, and of course there was a line behind me. I could hear their exasperated sighs, the same as I would have done if our places were reversed)
Clerk- Oh..so we owe you...
Me- Nononono, I don’t care about the penny…I just..
Clerk-…so…you don’t want the penny…
Me-..I thought you might have run out of pennies…or something’s…
Clerk-…so you do want the penny..
Me-nonono…I don’t care about the penny…maybe it’s broken…I just wanted to…to let you know.
I grabbed my items and fled and was bummed out that my favorite part of shopping at Acme was ruined.

Fun with Simon & Garfunkel

pay attention

and voila!

If you take the cover of Bridge over Troubled Water and strategically place a bunch of post-it notes as shown, it appears that Garfunkel has turned into lantern jawed goon with a molestache*

(* a moustache favored by molesters)

I Like Records 37

A regular, a down-on-his-lucker came in to sell some cd’s and dvd’s. He does this from time to time and while the titles are usually crap, we always manage to buy some of it. We had just made a deal and Matt went up to the office to get money from petty cash. While we were waiting for Matt, there was the requisite uncomfortable silence, which I tried to fill with pointless small talk.

Me- Well…you had a lot of dvd’s today.

Guy-…Yeah…There’s a guy I know and he gives me a lot of dvd’s… that he don’t want no more.

Me-…yeah…that’s cool…

Guy-…Yeah…he’s got a lot of pornos too.

Me-……….oh…….that’s good…

Guy-Hey, I’m not gay or nothin’

Me-…I didn’t say you were gay…and I…I don’t give a shit what you do.

Guy-Yeah but I ain’t…we don’t watch ‘em together or nothin’

[SILENCE]

Me-….uh….yeah…it sure is fuckin’ hot out there today….

Guy-I’m not gay

[SILENCE]

And after what seemed like hours but was merely a couple of minutes, Matt finally showed up gave him his money and he left.

If You Squint (Mets 2)

Matt from work brought this up and I tend to agree
Mets pitcher Jonathan Niese resembles actor and ex Sonic Youth drummer Richard Edson.  Although it’s kind of tough to see it in these photo’s, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. Thanks.

Niese

Edson

I Hate Me, Part 270,091

Back in my no girlfriend havin’-drink too much-wallow in self pity days, there was a series of comfort meals (although they were more like I Give Up meals) I used to make and while tasty they were akin to pointing a gun loaded with bacon at my chest and firing. These meals should be enjoyed with warm beer or cold coffee. Weeping is optional. Bon appetit.

TOAST TOWER
1 Loaf of Pepperidge Farm Toasting White
Butter

Turn oven on to low, place large serving platter in it.
Toast bread and butter it.
After buttering toast, place on platter in oven.
Repeat until loaf is finished.
Remove toast filled platter from oven.
Stack toast on another plate.
Eat toast.

BACON SANDWICH ITALIANO
1 Pound of bacon (thick cut)
1 Loaf of Italian bread

Slice Italian bread in half (longways), hollow out loaf.
In a pan, cook bacon to desired crispness.
Remove bacon from pan and drain on paper towels.
Fill bread with bacon.
Eat sandwich.

BOWL OF MEAT
Enough ground beef to fill a large frying pan
Season and cook ground beef to liking.
Drain grease from the cooked ground beef.
Put ground beef in large bowl.
Eat.
(NOTE: on a particularly horrible day the cooked ground beef can be eaten directly from frying pan)

Excerpts From the Weekly Meeting of Superman Inc.

*Approval of further meetings and a cost breakdown of the viability of moving the offices of Superman Inc. from it’s current headquarters located at the Fortress of Solitude (address: 1 Fortress of Solitude Plaza, Suite 19-25. Fortress of Solitude, Antarctica 10031) to downtown Metropolis.

*Voted to stop production on all solid red Superman t-shirts, and caps due to possible gang affiliation. Voted to start production immediately of the Louis Vuitton style Superman clothing and accessories.

*Legal department still working on licensing approval for Superman name and likeness to be used for a line of condoms and martial aids.

*Coordinate clean up and repair of downtown Metropolis with Lex Luthor’s assistant Todd. The cleanup mainly concerns last weeks unpleasantness. MAKE SURE that all employees from Lexcorp sign for any equipment they use, we are still missing two bulldozers from the last time we worked with them.

*Jennifer from the public relations department is working on a positive spin and damage control after TMZ reported last week of the “epidemic” of flying puppies being traced back to Superdog right after he did a series of Spay & Neuter PSA’s.

Listen

Buzz Martin-A Logger's Reward

At the risk of style biting from the far superior Devildick music blog (a link is on yr right), here’s something I bought a little while ago. Buzz Martin-A Logger’s Reward. I don’t know much about this record, I think it’s from the mid to late ’60’s and it’s a variation on the Red Sovine, Dave Dudley style of truck driving songs. Martin sings exclusively about logging and the men who drive logging trucks. He’s from the pacific northwest and he has some odd phrasing (also there’s some clicks and skips on the songs which don’t help his phrasing). The back of the album (released by Ripcord records) has an ad for another Buzz Martin album the amazingly titled Where There Walks a Logger There Walks a Man. Excuse the quality of the recordings.

SONGS BELOW:

Since they repossessed my used log truck The road inspector

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