I Hate Me, Part 184,550

(editors note:  Upon rereading this I realize what a giant baby I am and so petty that I should change my name to Tom, or Richard.  Christ, when my grandfather was my age he wore a suit, had a briefcase, a real job, was an actual adult and wasn’t preoccupied with tedious asinine bullshit like I am. ugh.)

I went to the foot doctor this week for a bone spur. I had parked my car and I was walking towards the entrance. I was a good 30 yards from the door (90 feet, 1,080 inches) and this old limping guy held the door open. I looked around and I didn’t see anyone else besides me and him. He was looking at me with expressionless look and just holding the door…for me. Now, I’m a door holding motherfucker from wayback, sometimes at a restaurant I’ll hold the door so long for people that I get mistaken for the doorman but this was just crazy. So I felt a bit weird and a little bit angry “Why the hell is this guy holding the door when I’m so far away”, I gimped up to the door faster than I wanted to go. When I got there:
MeThanks, but you didn’t have to hold the door…I was like a mile away.
Old Guy Well… you looked like you could use a door being held for you.
Jesus, did I look that pathetic? Did I need a hobbling old man to hold the door for me. I knew I was being an asshole and that I should be gracious but I was kind of pissed about it, it seemed like some passive aggressive move on his part. I figured that with his limp that he was going to the same foot doctor that I was. So I got to the office door and I opened it and held it for him, two can play at that game old man. The people in the waiting room looked at me standing there with the door open, and I waited. Christ, this guy was slow as molasses, the people in the waiting room looked at me like I’m some idiot just standing there with the door open, “I’m holding it for someone.” The old guy finally got up to the door, passed it and went to the office across the hall. Defeated, I just walked into the office and pretended I had a text message so I wouldn’t have to look at the other people.

  1. hey, how ’bout them mets huh!?!??

    • Matt
    • May 22nd, 2010

    Was the old guy Ed Kranepool? I’ve read stories about him holding doors for anyone, sometimes even no one at all, just waiting for someone to come along.

    • Art Buchwald
    • May 22nd, 2010

    Ike Davis is the second coming of Ed Kranepool, right down to the obsessive/compulsive door-holding.

    • Chris Burns
    • May 23rd, 2010

    Next time use the window. Never a crowd.

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