Archive for May, 2010

if you squint/2



Merle Haggard looks like Freddy Krueger on his new album. Maybe he is Freddy Krueger. The title for the album, I Am What I Am* seems like he’s getting it off his chest. Iconic country singer by day, psychopathic dream murderer by night.

*Or I Am What I Am could be a Popeye reference**

**but if it was a Popeye reference it would be I Yam What I Yam, so ignore the Popeye reference***

***or the Yam reference.  Yams**** are Merle Haggards favorite food.

****Candied yams mostly

I Hate Me, Part 272

I went to Starbucks to get an iced coffee, and there were these two complete douchebags (or d-bags, why is it never douche-b?) standing right behind me:
Woman (on cell phone)“Well, let me speak to her…We’re on line now!….I don’t know what she wants…LET ME SPEAK TO HER!…she what?….she’s texting me the order now?… me…let me..LETMESPEAKTOHER!…..Thank God…now what do you want?…waitwaitwait…a what…a mochawhat?…I don’t know a mocha…here, talk to the girl…I don’t know anything about Starbucks. (Thrusting the phone towards the woman behind the counter) My friend will tell you what she wants…a mocha something…I don’t know…I usually don’t order coffee…or go to Starbucks….I don’t know how to order anything here. (to guy she’s with) How would I know how to order it? I mean…”
Guy” And there’s different sizes.”
Woman”I know, what’s with that?”
I have little to no faith in the future of our species.

A Message from The Pretzel Council

With a bad economy sweeping the world, professional wrestlers are more in demand than ever.  Professional wrestlers are kings of society, they eat steak frequently and they’re always looking for a new gimmick.  We at the Pretzel Council recommend using a large pretzel as a wrestling mask. Just picture it, you’re in the squared circle,  the arena is filled with thousands of boisterous wrestling fans, the ring announcer walks slowly to the center and…”Ladies and gentlemen…….EL PRETZELO !!!!!” Go ahead, live the dream, with pretzels.

Pretzels! Not Just For Eatin’


From My Collection

Gold ‘N’ Glory by Faithful Breath is from 1984 and produced by Udo Dirkschneider of Accept (“balls to the wall”) fame. I just bought it so I have no idea what it sounds like, but I have a pretty good idea.

I Hate Me, Part 184,550

(editors note:  Upon rereading this I realize what a giant baby I am and so petty that I should change my name to Tom, or Richard.  Christ, when my grandfather was my age he wore a suit, had a briefcase, a real job, was an actual adult and wasn’t preoccupied with tedious asinine bullshit like I am. ugh.)

I went to the foot doctor this week for a bone spur. I had parked my car and I was walking towards the entrance. I was a good 30 yards from the door (90 feet, 1,080 inches) and this old limping guy held the door open. I looked around and I didn’t see anyone else besides me and him. He was looking at me with expressionless look and just holding the door…for me. Now, I’m a door holding motherfucker from wayback, sometimes at a restaurant I’ll hold the door so long for people that I get mistaken for the doorman but this was just crazy. So I felt a bit weird and a little bit angry “Why the hell is this guy holding the door when I’m so far away”, I gimped up to the door faster than I wanted to go. When I got there:
MeThanks, but you didn’t have to hold the door…I was like a mile away.
Old Guy Well… you looked like you could use a door being held for you.
Jesus, did I look that pathetic? Did I need a hobbling old man to hold the door for me. I knew I was being an asshole and that I should be gracious but I was kind of pissed about it, it seemed like some passive aggressive move on his part. I figured that with his limp that he was going to the same foot doctor that I was. So I got to the office door and I opened it and held it for him, two can play at that game old man. The people in the waiting room looked at me standing there with the door open, and I waited. Christ, this guy was slow as molasses, the people in the waiting room looked at me like I’m some idiot just standing there with the door open, “I’m holding it for someone.” The old guy finally got up to the door, passed it and went to the office across the hall. Defeated, I just walked into the office and pretended I had a text message so I wouldn’t have to look at the other people.

1 D short

This horror movie starring the great Sid Haig (as the “pyrophobic mortician”  Gerald Tovar, Jr.) promises that “the dead will never look so alive” in 3-D .  However they also say it’s the 2-D version, so it’s 1-D short of the title and I’m not so sure about how lifelike the dead will actually look.  I think there’s a coupon on the back of the box where you can send away for the extra D.  Not shown is the extra cheap 1-D version.   Thanks to Rob Leecock for pointing this out.

If You Squint (Mets 1)

(I changed the title, it was originally Met’s Resemblance )

At work and among my friends and family nobody ever agrees when I say that one person resembles another. Example
Me: Hey doesn’t that guy from across the street look like Leonard Cohen?
Anyone I know: No he doesn’t, you’re an idiot
Me: Leonard COHEN?
Anyone I know: Yeah, I know who is is and you’re wrong.
Me: mmmmmmmm…LEONARD Cohen?
(continue until death)
Anyhow, I was just thinking that emotionally fragile Mets pitcher John Maine resembles Jasen Fisher who played Kevin the emotionally fragile son in the 1989 Steve Martin comedy Parenthood. It doesn’t mean anything, I just thought I’d point it out. And yes, I am a John Maine fan

kid from "Parenthood"

John Maine

I Hate Me, Part 277,128

I was making copies at the UPS store and there was a loud guy on a cel phone. I had my back to him and I heard him say “I had the third eye surgery”.  So being a science fiction/comic book nerd and an all around jackass, my first thought was “Holy shit, a guy with three eyes”. So I snuck a peak at him and of course the poor bastard had on an eye patch and was talking about the third eye surgery on his sickly eye. So I felt bad that he a shitty eye, yet I was also angry at him for not actually having a third eye.

BP says will deploy “top hat” to contain oil spill

It just might work

(A&P Press, reported by Del Unser)
BP the British energy giant, said it would deploy a small containment dome, known as a “top hat,” in a new attempt to trap the oil at the site of the leak a mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico.
“The top hat deployment should happen in the next couple of days,” BP spokesman Brent Strom said. “We don’t have a definitive date as of yet.”
Strom went on to say that if the “top hat” deployment is unsuccessful in stopping the oil spill perhaps a containment dome in the shape of a different hat might work, “Perhaps something less formal, maybe a jaunty old timey cap or some sort of giant cowboy hat will stop the leak.”. Other suggestions from international think tanks include; contacting Aquaman, nicely asking the oil to stop flowing, and plugging the leak with children’s prayers.

I Like Records 35

I’ve never been a fan of alternative handshakes. I’m a clod and I’ve never been able to pull them off successfully. Maybe when I was kid playing in little league I would “High Five” another teammate but that was it. Which leads me to last night at work, there’s this guy who’s kind of a regular and he came in and he was a little drunk. I was behind the counter and he came up said hello and went to shake my hand. There was no reason to shake hands but I didn’t want to be a douche so I went to shake hands and all of a sudden he changed it to a “fist bump”. Now all this took place in a matter of seconds.  I quickly changed to a fist for the bump, and I don’t know why but he changed back to an open handshake and I ended up punching him in the wrist. He looked angry and surprised and grabbed my wrist with both hands. I just gave him a “whatthefuck” look and he sputtered “I…uh I just wanted to see …if you got any more tattoos.” I assured him I hadn’t and he let go of my wrist and continued shopping and I did what I always do during uncomfortable situations, I went out for a coffee.