Archive for April, 2010

BP comments on oil spill

(A&P Press, NYC)

British Petroleum released a short statement commenting on their massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico:
“We at British Petroleum wish to apologize for the unfortunate incident in the Gulf of Mexico. There was a misprint in a corporate directive, where the word “drill” was replaced by the word “spill” although in some places “drill” was replaced by the word dill”. So while the spill in the Gulf of Mexico is disastrous, we have had success harvesting dill*. We at British Petroleum promise to go over our proof reading specifications, so this kind of thing won’t happen again. BP: Beyond Petroleum

* a perennial herb, used as a spice

A couple of baseball things

"new wave" rock music expert, George Will

Henry Blanco

Danny Trejo

1)Mets catcher Henry Blanco and legendary movie badass Danny Trejo (From Dusk Til Dawn, Desperado, Con Air) share a similar look. Even though Blanco has been good at throwing out base runners imagine how much more intimidating the Mets would be if Blanco mixed in tossing a couple of throwing knives ( a la Danny Trejo) at opposing base runners. I think it would would throw off the oppositions concentration and maybe the Mets would win a few more games (although at this moment they aren’t doing too bad and are over .500) Look, the Mets are going to have to be creative if they’re going to do well this year, they should at least entertain the idea.

2)Conservative pundit George Will has just released a revised version of his best seller Men At Work and guess what, it’s about baseball.  I know George Will as being the  author of many best selling books about “new wave” rock bands including; The Arresting Music of Sting and The Police, also Fabulous! The Authorized Fabulous Poodles Story, and Joe “King” Carrasco and the Spicy Tex-Mex Rock Revolution. So I thought Men At Work was going to be about the lads from “Down Under” written by  my fave “new wave” rock expert, I had no idea he was a baseball fan. Oh well, live and learn.

A Message from the Pretzel Council

With the recent scourge of tiny wild boars running roughshod throughout the country we at the Pretzel Council suggest setting traps for them and using large pretzels as shackles for the boars until the authorities can retrieve them and return them to their tiny boar prisons.

Be careful with these varmints

Baseball Oddities

Number 12: Shoeful Joe Jackson

Often confused with “Shoeless” Joe Jackson of the infamous 1919 Chicago White Sox, “Shoeful” Joe Jackson was the back up second baseman for the Kansas City Plaids in 1921. Jackson was known for the odd habit of wearing two sets of shoes at the same time, which he did in public life as well as on the diamond. Little is known about Jackson; he played three years of professional ball, batted .189 and suffered numerous ankle injuries due mainly to the simultaneous wearing of two pairs of shoes. After baseball Jackson started the unsuccessful “Shoeful” Joe Jackson’s Shoe Zoo where he presented farm animals wearing human shoes and boots.

Say it ain't so, Joe

“Fair and Balanced” sue Fox News

(A&P Press, reported by Don Hahn)

The words “Fair and Balanced” are suing Fox News in a wrongful use suit. In a prepared statement, Brent Gaff a lawyer representing the words said in part, “Using Fair and Balanced the way Fox News has been doing is tantamount to a perversion of the English language.” It is reported that “Fair and Balanced” are seeking unspecified damages or a rewording including the words “neither, nor” and the retirement of the word “and” from the slogan. Legal scholars say Fox News could use a variation of the “Orwellian Newspeak” defense, or claim the words were used in a sarcastic manner.

New Sex Slang

Most of us have heard of a “Cleveland Steamer”, or “Dirty Sanchez” (and their variations; “a Shitler”, or “Poo Manchu”). Sean, Matt and I were sitting around work today coming up with new phrases. These are just names, there are no descriptions, feel free to come up with your own, but please keep them to yourselves:
Dutch Tugboat
A Dimpler
Caribbean Eyepatch
A Scratchy Bellhop
Damp Hindenburg
Brown Monocle
Bubble Puppy
Lumpty Dumpty
Chocolate Accordian
Mediterranean Lampshade
Grumpy Kojack

A message from the Pretzel Council

After a long exhausting day, try a pretzel massage. Heat up a pretzel in the microwave and feel the warm dough and salt erase all the problems of your day.

a pretzel massage