Archive for April, 2010

BP comments on oil spill

(A&P Press, NYC)

British Petroleum released a short statement commenting on their massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico:
“We at British Petroleum wish to apologize for the unfortunate incident in the Gulf of Mexico. There was a misprint in a corporate directive, where the word “drill” was replaced by the word “spill” although in some places “drill” was replaced by the word dill”. So while the spill in the Gulf of Mexico is disastrous, we have had success harvesting dill*. We at British Petroleum promise to go over our proof reading specifications, so this kind of thing won’t happen again. BP: Beyond Petroleum

* a perennial herb, used as a spice

A couple of baseball things

"new wave" rock music expert, George Will

Henry Blanco

Danny Trejo

1)Mets catcher Henry Blanco and legendary movie badass Danny Trejo (From Dusk Til Dawn, Desperado, Con Air) share a similar look. Even though Blanco has been good at throwing out base runners imagine how much more intimidating the Mets would be if Blanco mixed in tossing a couple of throwing knives ( a la Danny Trejo) at opposing base runners. I think it would would throw off the oppositions concentration and maybe the Mets would win a few more games (although at this moment they aren’t doing too bad and are over .500) Look, the Mets are going to have to be creative if they’re going to do well this year, they should at least entertain the idea.

2)Conservative pundit George Will has just released a revised version of his best seller Men At Work and guess what, it’s about baseball.  I know George Will as being the  author of many best selling books about “new wave” rock bands including; The Arresting Music of Sting and The Police, also Fabulous! The Authorized Fabulous Poodles Story, and Joe “King” Carrasco and the Spicy Tex-Mex Rock Revolution. So I thought Men At Work was going to be about the lads from “Down Under” written by  my fave “new wave” rock expert, I had no idea he was a baseball fan. Oh well, live and learn.

A Message from the Pretzel Council

With the recent scourge of tiny wild boars running roughshod throughout the country we at the Pretzel Council suggest setting traps for them and using large pretzels as shackles for the boars until the authorities can retrieve them and return them to their tiny boar prisons.

Be careful with these varmints

Baseball Oddities

Number 12: Shoeful Joe Jackson

Often confused with “Shoeless” Joe Jackson of the infamous 1919 Chicago White Sox, “Shoeful” Joe Jackson was the back up second baseman for the Kansas City Plaids in 1921. Jackson was known for the odd habit of wearing two sets of shoes at the same time, which he did in public life as well as on the diamond. Little is known about Jackson; he played three years of professional ball, batted .189 and suffered numerous ankle injuries due mainly to the simultaneous wearing of two pairs of shoes. After baseball Jackson started the unsuccessful “Shoeful” Joe Jackson’s Shoe Zoo where he presented farm animals wearing human shoes and boots.

Say it ain't so, Joe

“Fair and Balanced” sue Fox News

(A&P Press, reported by Don Hahn)

The words “Fair and Balanced” are suing Fox News in a wrongful use suit. In a prepared statement, Brent Gaff a lawyer representing the words said in part, “Using Fair and Balanced the way Fox News has been doing is tantamount to a perversion of the English language.” It is reported that “Fair and Balanced” are seeking unspecified damages or a rewording including the words “neither, nor” and the retirement of the word “and” from the slogan. Legal scholars say Fox News could use a variation of the “Orwellian Newspeak” defense, or claim the words were used in a sarcastic manner.

New Sex Slang

Most of us have heard of a “Cleveland Steamer”, or “Dirty Sanchez” (and their variations; “a Shitler”, or “Poo Manchu”). Sean, Matt and I were sitting around work today coming up with new phrases. These are just names, there are no descriptions, feel free to come up with your own, but please keep them to yourselves:
Dutch Tugboat
A Dimpler
Caribbean Eyepatch
A Scratchy Bellhop
Damp Hindenburg
Brown Monocle
Bubble Puppy
Lumpty Dumpty
Chocolate Accordian
Mediterranean Lampshade
Grumpy Kojack

A message from the Pretzel Council

After a long exhausting day, try a pretzel massage. Heat up a pretzel in the microwave and feel the warm dough and salt erase all the problems of your day.

a pretzel massage

I Hate Me, Pt. 116,881

30 Seconds Over Foodtown

Another long day and I figured I’d get some cold cuts at Foodtown for dinner. It was a little after nine and the deli department was pretty empty. There were two customers and three people behind the counter, this shouldn’t take long. The first customer, a woman was ordering a bunch of stuff but not all at once. It was excruciating, every time I thought she was finished “mmm…….and…a half pound of boiled ham” Okay, that looks like the end, wait, no. “mmmmmm……how about…..mmmm….a quarter pound of…….(OF WHAT!!!)…mmm…Jarlsberg….and of course I want some salads”. She was completely making it up as she was going along, no rhyme or reason. This went on for about ten minutes, meanwhile the other customer was this guy who wanted to chat with the deli guy, “Whoa… that’s a great price for the Boars Head chedder, I’ll take half a pound…but stack it so it doesn’t stick together….Do you guys have a secret trick for stacking cheese so it doesn’t stick?…Man, that’s a good price….Hey…hey how much are you slicing there buddy, I only want half a pound (The deli guy weighs it, it comes in at about a quarter pound)…You know that looks like a lot more…I would have taken it…if it was over though…I love that cheese….You know what I want next… six slices of the Liverwurst…cut ‘em thick….but not too thick…” It went on and on, meanwhile the third deli guy saw I was waiting for a while and he comes up. I kind of know this guy from going there so much, so I figured I’d get sorted, “Hey, it’s the Jacks Music man, how are you doin’”, “Well I’m just waiting to get served.” , “What are you gettin’? The usual? Quarter pound of roast beef, right.”, “yeah, that’s great. Thanks.” Okay, here we go. He grabs the roast beef, takes it out of the wrapping and points to the guy who’s helping the talkative douche. “Yeah, he’ll take care of you when he’s done.” Yeah, I fucking know he’ll take care of me when he’s done, but he’ll never be done. Of course, I manage a small, tight smile, “….oh…okay…” I finally get my stuff and pick up the rest of what I need and head to the check out. My two nemeses were at the regular checkout, with their thousands of pounds of sliced deli goods and salads, they’d be there all night. Luckily the 10 items or less aisle was open, alright. Well, there’s nobody there, I wait and I look over at the courtesy desk and I see two teenage shlubs yakkin’ it up and I’m thinking if either one of those two motherfuckers is supposed to be ringing me up, I’m gonna…and I realize I’m not gonna do a goddamn thing, I’m gonna pay for my food and curse them under my breath. I start to stare/glare at the courtesy desk, the power of my glare will move them. Eventually, one of them sees me and ambles over. I give him my best angry “Whatthefuck?” look and he stammers,”Sorry….I was buying gum” and then shows me a stack of 5 packs of Trident. That was an answer I wasn’t expecting, I paid and shuffled out

Yaz birth control pills explained

(A&P Press, Kelly Stinnett)
(Montvale N.J.) Bayer pharmaceuticals bending to government pressure has released a statement explaining how their YAZ birth control pill works. The official statement which is a 10 page document can be broken down into a few understandable points:

* Boston Red Sox star and Hall of Famer (elected 1989) Carl “Yaz” Yastrzemski is multiply cloned and is shrunk down to approx. 1/100,000th of his original size.

* Thousands of “lil Yaz’s” are put into pills, armed with tiny baseball bats.

* After the YAZ contraceptive pill is taken, the microscopic Yaz’s burst free from their pills and form perimeters around unfertilized eggs.

* When sperm attempts to gain access to the egg they are attacked by thousands of bat wielding tiny Yaz’s

* Yaz’s success rate is 99% when taken according to instructions.

this yaz... made from this Yaz

I Like Records 33

Drunk guy comes up to the counter and buys a DVD of Hurt Locker

Drunk-I gotta buy this fucker again, I bought one yesterday and it was a fuckin’ blueberry

Me-Do you mean Blu-Ray?

Drunk-Yeah..yeah a blueberry disc…doesn’t fuckin’ work in my player

Me-…I think you mean Blu-Ray

Drunk…what the fuck is that?…

Me-Forget it, I guess you need to get a blueberry player then.

Drunk-…fuck that…