Town Frowner

Times are tough and sometimes you have to be inventive to find your own niche. With this in mind here’s a new job I invented just for me, The Town Frowner. A brief explanation: I would be hired by the town of Red Bank (where I live and work) to walk around town*. Wherever there was new construction or building improvements I would go and stand in front of the building in question, wearing a ceremonial uniform (based on those worn by European royalty; a crown,ermine cape and bejeweled scepter) and depending on my mood, either smile or frown. A smile would mean “good job, carry on” and I’d add a small positive comment like “That bird feeder looks like a tiny version of your house, well done” or “Kudos, those gargoyles are sufficiently gruesome”. Of course a frown would be a death knell for the project and all work would stop. A short derisive comment would be added as well, for example “ Hold up there buddy, a two car garage?! Who do you think you are Donald Trump?”, or “What’s with the new lawn? You’re setting a bad example for us plain folks, just paint the dirt green like the pilgrims did.” or “Two dogs!?! What do think this is a zoo?” Ok, to be honest I’ve been doing the Town Frowner thing on a freelance basis for awhile now and I’ve actually said those things to various townsfolk. Unfortunately most people don’t take my criticism in the spirit it was given and I’ve heard it all from my so-called neighbors; “nut job”, “Get off my property”, “kook”, “Is that my veal?”, “crazy person”, “put on some pants”. I’ve also been pelted with rocks and garbage, but I’m not giving up. I think if I was made official Town Frowner incidents of punching and insulting me would go down and I wouldn’t be arrested as much. Clearly a win, win situation. Your move Red Bank.

*If it was inclement weather I would have a horse drawn carriage at my disposal



    • dd
    • March 28th, 2010

    dude, don’t look now but you have a small albino tiger sprouting out of your right ear…


    • Matt
    • March 28th, 2010

    I think some sort of plumed headgear might be appropriate and quite functional for this position. Nothing projects this type of wide ranging authority like a hat jauntily sprouting ornamental feathers.

    • Art Buchwald
    • March 28th, 2010

    brilliant, really.


    • Bobo
    • March 29th, 2010


  2. Oh yes. I, as a former Red Bank Resident, 2nd the nomination for Tim to be Official Town Frowner. His Frown or Smile has made or broken many a band over the years, and I trust his taste implicitly. And so it is….!

    • Slatt
    • March 29th, 2010

    It’s High Time Red Bank got their own Town Frowner..They are all the rage out West..I’ve seen you frown and I think you should be compensated for the effort.Don’t settle..go for the full pension

    • john McBain
    • March 29th, 2010

    I’m the unofficial San Francisco Smirker.

    • Tacco Bella
    • March 30th, 2010

    This has got to be the most thought provoking piece of suggestive and contemplative proposals that i’ve heard all morning. thus, you have my support, and i am available for campaign tasks!

    • Matt
    • March 30th, 2010

    This really is a great idea, until the town realizes the value of your services you could post random photos from around town and one of the two photos above next to it, yay or nay.

  3. Matt is onto something, Tim: WE WANT PICTURES! hahahaha

    You have to be onto something—-with your 10 comments on this and all….

    • miss Klutch
    • March 31st, 2010

    Really. That is quite an outpouring of support.

  4. i’m really glad you’ve been around my whole life.

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