St. Patrick and the snakes

-Pious legend credits St. Patrick with banishing snakes from Ireland-

[A pub shortly after St. Patrick got rid of all of Irelands snakes. Patrick (he wasn’t a Saint yet), knocking back a few pints with some friends and celebrating a snake free ireland]  KEY: P-St. Patrick, J-James Fitzhugh

J– “Hey, Patrick!”

P– “You are correct sir. Hey why the long face brother, I just got rid of all the snakes. C’mon have a pint.”

J– “Yeah, I know you got rid of all the goddamned snakes, I’m James Fitzhugh. You know owner of Fitzhughs Snake Circus.”

P– “Uh… so..uh.. how’s it going James….Drink?”

J– “No I don’t want a goddamned drink. How’s it going?! I’ll tell you how it’s going! You just wiped me out. Those were trained snakes, it took me years to train them. You’ve seen it, those snakes would bite their own tail and form a wheel and roll around…It was magnificent! So where are my snakes?”

P– “Um..uh..uh (quietly) I uh led…all the snakes…led them into the sea.”

J– “The sea, the goddamned sea. why?!”

P- “Uh..God…uh… You see God …God told me to.”

J- “…Really? …God told you to. this has nothing to do with me charging your son full price at the Snake Circus last month, does it? I mean Christ, Patrick. It’s kids twelve and under get let in for free and your boy has got to be what, fifteen or so.”

P- “Look, God told me to get rid of the snakes, ok. Deal with it….and…and my son is twelve, he’s just big for his age. He should have been let in for free.”

J- “So it IS about not letting your kid in for free. You bastard, you destroy my business and kill all the snakes in Ireland just to get even with me…out of spite!”

P– “Uh…um…God uh…um…uuh…”

J- “Yeah, yeah I know, your pal God told you to do this. You know you’ve screwed the country with this little stunt, with no snakes we’ll be overrun with toads and rats, nice going.”

P– “Hey James! Is that one of your snakes over there in the corner?”

(of course, there’s no snake but while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door)

    • chris
    • March 16th, 2010

    so, “god people” have always been self serving douchebags huh?
    not surprising.


    • feedtim
    • March 16th, 2010

    I really wasn’t taking religion to task, I was just trying to be funny. For some reason St. Patrick always seemed to me to be a goofy fuck-up like Ed McMahon, but with super-religious powers.

    • gronfo, master of the walsiggs
    • March 18th, 2010

    Don’t try to talk your way out of it, Tim. You’re screwing with the Catholics, as if they need any more piling on.

    At least have the courage of your convictions and admit that you’re an anti-catholic bigot. Eventually you’ll feel better, even if you’re a pariah among your in-laws.

    • klutch
    • March 9th, 2011

    I can hardly wait for THIS year’s installation

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