Archive for March, 2010

Around Red Bank

Tough Times in Chicken Town

What does it say about our society when giant mutant chickens are forced to ride around on a bike to entice people to eat their delicious chicken brethren. Sad days my friends, sad days

Town Frowner

Times are tough and sometimes you have to be inventive to find your own niche. With this in mind here’s a new job I invented just for me, The Town Frowner. A brief explanation: I would be hired by the town of Red Bank (where I live and work) to walk around town*. Wherever there was new construction or building improvements I would go and stand in front of the building in question, wearing a ceremonial uniform (based on those worn by European royalty; a crown,ermine cape and bejeweled scepter) and depending on my mood, either smile or frown. A smile would mean “good job, carry on” and I’d add a small positive comment like “That bird feeder looks like a tiny version of your house, well done” or “Kudos, those gargoyles are sufficiently gruesome”. Of course a frown would be a death knell for the project and all work would stop. A short derisive comment would be added as well, for example “ Hold up there buddy, a two car garage?! Who do you think you are Donald Trump?”, or “What’s with the new lawn? You’re setting a bad example for us plain folks, just paint the dirt green like the pilgrims did.” or “Two dogs!?! What do think this is a zoo?” Ok, to be honest I’ve been doing the Town Frowner thing on a freelance basis for awhile now and I’ve actually said those things to various townsfolk. Unfortunately most people don’t take my criticism in the spirit it was given and I’ve heard it all from my so-called neighbors; “nut job”, “Get off my property”, “kook”, “Is that my veal?”, “crazy person”, “put on some pants”. I’ve also been pelted with rocks and garbage, but I’m not giving up. I think if I was made official Town Frowner incidents of punching and insulting me would go down and I wouldn’t be arrested as much. Clearly a win, win situation. Your move Red Bank.

*If it was inclement weather I would have a horse drawn carriage at my disposal

yay

nay

Best Album of the Year (i know it’s only march)

find this and buy this

Yeah, I know it’s only March but the new Guinea Worms LP Sorcererers of Madness (4rd Year in a Row) [on Columbus Discount Records] is gonna be tough to beat. It’s a sprawling double album that’s noisy and fucked and stupid and as close to genius as I’ve heard in quite a while. You should really check this record out.

Below are two songs from the album “accidental space tourist”  “haymaker” (CLICK ON THE SONG TITLES)

03 Accidental Space Tourist

16 Haymaker

I Hate Me, Part 290,661 / I like Records 32

[a couple of random notes from an odd day at work that seemed like it would never end]

Guy comes in and I get a quick look at him, and holy shit. He has the fakest beard I have ever seen, sub Halloween variety. Full beard and mustache, shoe polish black and too neatly trimmed. He came up and asked a question (don’t look at the beard, don’t look at the beard), up close it was even odder looking, like a thin black rug. What the fuck is going on; Is he a wanted man and this is the best disguise he could get? Is it some sort of prank (although he doesn’t look like the pranking type)? Or is it some sad story, maybe he has some disfiguring chin thing going on (“you’ve got chin mites, here’s a fake beard. Cover your shame.”).
Two guys are looking at records. They’re not together, both of them have been in before, and while I wouldn’t call them mental patients they have certain eccentricities. Mainly they talk to themselves, somewhat loudly. I was waiting for this moment to happen when they were both looking through the same rack of records. Their odd one sided conversations, which sounded like one crazy conversation:
#1- (looking at each record) “I had this record, I still have this record”

#2- (looking in the row next to #1) “Nugent…Ted Nu…gentTed..Nugent”

#1-”I used to have this record…I have this…I have this…I have this”

#2-”…Ted…Nu…gent…TedNugentTed…Nugent…Ted”

#1- “I had this…I have the sleeve to this…I have this …I have this”

#2- “Nugent..got this…gotthis….gotthis…NUGENT…gotthis”

I like Records 31

The bathrooms at work are locked. If you give the key to a customer more times than not it A) gets left in the bathroom or B) comes back wet. So it’s easier and less disgusting to just let customers in using your own key (unless the customer is a complete dick, then the bathroom is broken):

Guy: You guys have a bathroom?

Me: Yeah, this….

Guy: (interrupting) Thank God, I drove up from Barnegat and jesus, I gotta go.

Me: (walking towards the bathroom)…Yeah,…uh…

Guy:..and I had a big coffee so ya know…

Me: Look man, I’m sorry and I don’t want to be rude but I don’t really want to hear about how bad you have to go to the bathroom.

Guy: Oh..uh I just wanted to tell you so you wouldn’t think I was faking.

Me: I don’t care if you’re faking or not

Guy: Yeah, but…I’m not…I really have to go.

Me: (I open the bathroom door) …light’s on the left

Guy: (as door is closing) I really do.

Washington: I also used …

Ron Washington

SURPRISE, ARIZ. (A&P press)
A day after acknowledging he failed a drug test for cocaine last year, Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington gave a long rambling press conference in which he says he used marijuana and amphetamines while he was a player, he added “that was just the tip of the iceberg”. He then described other “youthful errors”, among them:
-Having a marijuana garden in the bullpen of the Minnesota Twins.

-Building and using a meth lab in the visitors clubhouse, also in Minnesota

-Maintaining a poppy farm in Baltimore while playing for the Orioles

-Inventing something called a “Meth-wich”, which was a methamphetamine infused “sloppy joe” sandwich.

-Asked teammates to call him Cocaine-icus after the “Roman god of getting high”

-Had a custom made bat with a sword concealed in it, “for protection”

Washington says his mistakes from years ago have nothing to do with the issue he’s facing now, and he doesn’t think it will be a long term distraction for the Rangers.

St. Patrick and the snakes

-Pious legend credits St. Patrick with banishing snakes from Ireland-

[A pub shortly after St. Patrick got rid of all of Irelands snakes. Patrick (he wasn’t a Saint yet), knocking back a few pints with some friends and celebrating a snake free ireland]  KEY: P-St. Patrick, J-James Fitzhugh



J– “Hey, Patrick!”


P– “You are correct sir. Hey why the long face brother, I just got rid of all the snakes. C’mon have a pint.”


J– “Yeah, I know you got rid of all the goddamned snakes, I’m James Fitzhugh. You know owner of Fitzhughs Snake Circus.”


P– “Uh… so..uh.. how’s it going James….Drink?”


J– “No I don’t want a goddamned drink. How’s it going?! I’ll tell you how it’s going! You just wiped me out. Those were trained snakes, it took me years to train them. You’ve seen it, those snakes would bite their own tail and form a wheel and roll around…It was magnificent! So where are my snakes?”


P– “Um..uh..uh (quietly) I uh led them..um…all the snakes…led them into the sea.”


J– “The sea, the goddamned sea. why?!”


P- “Uh..God…uh… You see God …God told me to.”


J- “…Really? …God told you to. this has nothing to do with me charging your son full price at the Snake Circus last month, does it? I mean Christ, Patrick. It’s kids twelve and under get let in for free and your boy has got to be what, fifteen or so.”


P- “Look, God told me to get rid of the snakes, ok. Deal with it….and…and my son is twelve, he’s just big for his age. He should have been let in for free.”


J- “So it IS about not letting your kid in for free. You bastard, you destroy my business and kill all the snakes in Ireland just to get even with me…out of spite!”


P– “Uh…um…God uh…um…uuh…”


J- “Yeah, yeah I know, your pal God told you to do this. You know you’ve screwed the country with this little stunt, with no snakes we’ll be overrun with toads and rats, nice going.”


P– “Hey James! Is that one of your snakes over there in the corner?”


(of course, there’s no snake but while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door)