Archive for February, 2010

I Hate Me, Part 379,003

Foodtown:further adventures at

The threat of a snowstorm always pack grocery stores. So last night after the warning of yet another storm, Foodtown wasn’t my personal store as it usually is at night. It was overrun with the “stock up for the storm” crowd. I got my stuff; sliced roast beef, ham and chicken from the deli department a package of sandwich wraps and a couple of Lean Cuisine frozen dinners for my wife. I got on the 10 items or less line, there were a couple of people in front of me but it was moving. A friend of mines wife was on line and we had a “I’m sick of this goddamned snow” conversation. Then it was my turn, the kid starts ringing me up and he gets to the end and he’s holding the deli bag of sliced chicken and he’s looking at me…
Kid – What’s this?

Me – ..chicken…

Kid – There’s no price sticker on it

Me – ..ok… well, it’s a half pound of Boars Head Rotisserie Chicken

Kid – There’s no sticker on it

[ The line is starting to get longer, there are now four people behind me and I’m looking around for the price sticker. I figured it somehow wound up on me, “Hey, you cost $4.99, haw haw”, it didn’t. The kid is looking at me all slackjawed, and I give him a “C’mon buddy, do something” look]

Kid – I guess I’ll get it reweighed

[ So instead of calling someone from the managers desk or the deli, the kid takes off with my chicken, leaving the register unattended. there are now about seven people behind me and no one’s happy. I’ve been at the ass end of these lines and I’d always curse the poor bastard who was holding up the line. It was also close to closing time and the only other register had a line of people buying enough food for a small army. I’m dying a thousand deaths. The kid comes back, without the chicken. ]

Kid – Yeah, they’ll weigh it.

Me – I thought that’s what you were doing

Kid – No, I just brought it to them

[ I looked up at the register screen and I see that the chicken had already been rung up]

Me – Hey man, that chicken already got rung up

Kid – Really?

Me – Yeah, look at the screen; chicken, roast beef, ham

[ the kid rescans the roast beef]

Me – You just rang that up a second time

Kid – Oh…yeah

[ he rescans a Lean Cuisine (chicken in peanut sauce)]

Me – You just rang that up a second time as well

Kid – Well there are two Lean Cuisine’s

[ Now I’m completely frustrated, the line is up to about ten people and I’m arguing with this kid about Lean Cuisines. I might as well be arguing about tampon prices or extra small condoms. There’s a palpable hate vibe coming from the end of the line. Finally the kid finds out what happened, the chicken sticker came off and got stuck on one of the Lean Cuisines (Chicken ala Shame). This nightmare is about over , my reweighed chicken came back and because my body runs on humiliation, I apologize to the line.  I’m thinking “Hey checkout kid, you can join in the apology as well, your ineptitude didn’t help things.” Of course he didn’t, and I slunk off into the night.]

responding to comments:

There’s a been a bunch of comments the last couple of days, I will briefly respond:  John McBain-I switched out all the cd’s and records at Jacks with pork roll but I didn’t really get too many good stories, maybe I should try crackers. Chris Burns-Thanks for the memoir name suggestion, “How Keen was my Burgbut I think I’m gonna go with Girthquake!: The Tim Cronin Story!!. Roman–  I like the idea of Peabo Bryson more than the man or his music. Art Buchwald & Morty Lambstershank-I like Usually Shabby as a band name, I had a dream recently that I was in a band called Goon Schooner. Kim-That guy you’ve seen pedaling around was an actor playing the Travelocity Gnome for a live action webcast.   I think that wraps it up. Goodnight.

I Like Records 28

Phone call (KEY: #-Phone Caller, +-me)

+ “hello, can I help you”

# “ya know that song, Us Us Us Us Us and…”

+ “yeah, It’s Pink Floyd, Us and Them”

(continuing as if they weren’t listening)

# “…Them Them Them Them Them. Who sings that?”

+ “Pink Floyd”

# “Really? How much is that record worth?”

+ “ I don’t know, Dark Side of The Moon in good shape, you might be able to get a few bucks for it somewhere.”

# “Really? I heard it was worth a thousand dollars.”

+ “Not here it ain’t”

# ….Click…

Around Red Bank

What if the shoe doesn't fit, can I still park here?

A brief reminiscence

When I was a kid growing up around Keansburg, the only adults I ever remember riding bikes were people who had their licenses pulled for drunk driving. These guys made an art of it. For the most part they all kind of appeared the same, like they belonged to some drunk biking club. They looked like hell and were usually shoeless, riding beat up ten speed bikes with the sharp metal pedals and riding with no hands because they were carrying two six packs. They would ride really fast and steer by nudging the handle bars with their knees. It was pretty fucking amazing

I Hate Me, Part 277,118

I was out to lunch with my wife. After we ordered my wife went to the ladies room, and I was staring off into space, absent mindedly scratching the side of my nose. In a Seinfeldian turn of events, the waitress came back to ask how I wanted my prime rib sandwich (medium rare) as I was scratching my nose. Of course I thought that she thought she saw me picking my nose. So in the few minutes until my wife came back I scratched my nose in an exaggerated manner so it would be obvious that I was only SCRATCHING my nose. Two things happened; the first was I looked like an idiot and the second was that I actually made my nose bleed by scratching it so much. I tried to explain what happened to my wife but stopped halfway through when I caught her giving me the “I married a mental patient” look, a look I’ve seen too many times.

Little known facts about Presidents Day

Presidents Day is a holiday combining Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays into one blandly homogenous day off and “sale-abration” event. The holiday usually features a lot of ad’s with talking money and vague patriotism. Washington and Lincoln had more in common than just being President, here are a few things.

* Washington and Lincoln both had wooden teeth, although Lincoln had his made into an anklet.

* Both men appointed wolverines to a cabinet post. Washington appointed a wolverine named Doug to the Secretary of the Interior, he is quoted as saying “Who knows the countryside better than a Wolverine? No one, my friends. No one.” Lincoln appointed a wolverine named Peabo Bryson to be Secretary of Wolverine Affairs, a short lived cabinet post.

* Washington had a powdered wig.
Lincoln had a powdered merkin.

* Both men could dig tunnels like moles. This digging prowess earned Washington the nickname “President Chunnel” from the French. While Lincoln’s tunneling skill won him the all important “mole men” vote in the election of 1860.

* Washington chopped down a cherry tree. Lincoln, in his younger days was a prostitute and went by the name Cherry Treat.