Letters, January 2010

Dear Sirs,
As the owner of Precision Marble & Granite I see that you made fun of our sign (“Around Red Bank” 1/7/2010). If you had the decency to come in and ask about it instead of skulking around like paparazzi I could have explained it. As the sign indicates, Precision Marble & Granite specializes in oversized marble and granite pencils. These are mostly used in school literacy fundraisers. Let me tell you, nothing opens up purse strings faster than a giant marble pencil. We’re also in the process of reviving the ancient greek myth of “Tompo” the greek god of literacy. Tompo who resembles Zeus but with giant pencils instead of lightning bolts will surely inspire children to read and perhaps write. So far we have retrofitted seventeen Zeus statues into Tompo statues using our giant marble pencils. Your mocking story was hurtful and we are waiting for your apology.
John Precision
Precision Marble & Granite

Upon reading your “news” blurb about Harry Reid’s prejudiced shin bone (1/11/2010), I was moved to write you. Harry Reid’s left shin is one of the most tolerant shin bone’s in the whole of these United States. I can remember when Harry Reid’s shin (not the rest of him, who was busy elsewhere) was part of the march on Selma in 1965 and gave as rousing a speech as any bone I’ve ever had the privilege to see speak, and I’ve seen plenty! In 1966 Robert Kennedy’s right knee cap gave a fiery speech about unions and I was there and when I was a child I saw Lou Gehrig’s thumb bone give his famous “I’m the luckiest thumb bone on the face of the earth speech” and…..what? …….stop writing and go home!?….Look, I was promised rye toast if I wrote this and rye toast I will have…goddammit!….
Meadowlark Lime

Dear Blog,
After reading your story about Tavern on the Groin (1/4/2010) I started checking to see if there were any other racy or salacious gentleman’s clubs named after New York landmarks. After days of exhaustive investigation I found a few; Splay Stadium out in Flushing Queens, in Manhattan there are The Fulton Flesh Market, The Pimp-Pire State Building, Hump Towers, and Lady Liber-Teeze. I vow to continue my investigation.
Thank you for your time.
Elliot Spitzer (not that one, a different one)

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