I Hate Me, Part 225,881
Food Townasaurus Rex
Day off and I had to go to Foodtown to fill in the stuff that was forgotten on the weekly list. My wife who usually writes the list has handwriting that could be charitably described as “hard to read”:
Me-This says “Pearches”, do you mean “peaches” or “pears” or filet of Perch
(I get fixed with a stare that says “idiot” before the word is said)
Carrie- You idiot (“idiot” is said slowly, it’s savored) that doesn’t say “Pearches” it says Bounty…paper towels
Just before I complain about her chicken scratch I remember that my handwriting, at best looks like someone taped a pen to a dogs paw and set him off at a piece of paper, illegible scrawl and some chew marks.
I got to food town and as I was getting some milk I saw an old woman struggling to reach the half & half:
-Here let me help you with that
+I want the Foodtown half & half
–(grabbing a pint) Here you go.
+I want a quart not a pint
-The don’t have Foodtown quarts how about Farmland?
+Feh, that’s garbage, are you sure there are no Foodtown quarts?
–I’m sure (regretting that I offered to help you)
+Well a pint doesn’t help me
-How about two pints?
-Hey, there’s a guy who works here. Maybe he can help.
As I was finishing I went to use the restroom. So I parked my cart which was full of food in a spot that wasn’t in anyones way. Two minutes later I came out and my cart was gone. Christ, I wasn’t gone that long so I start looking around and a woman with a cart came up to me:
+Oh, was this your cart?
-Yeah, I parked it over there while I used the restroom.
+Oh, I thought it was abandoned
-Abandoned? There was food in it
+Oh yeah, I guess there was.
-…Soooo where did you put my stuff?
She walked over to the gourmet cheese section and in the middle of the wine infused goat cheese and the twenty dollar slabs of Pecorino Romano was my food just sitting there in a pile; box of cereal, paper towels, 3 frozen dinners, 1/2 gallon of milk and a couple of yogurts.
+Uh…I guess you want your cart back
-You would be correct.
She grabbed her stuff and left. Of course when I got to the check out she was in front of me. I just tried to act invisible.