I Hate Me, Part 119,014

After two days of not going to Foodtown, we needed apples so back I went. Foodtown had some shitty apples, it was like mush with an apple skin around it. Now as many of you know from my many apple based novels (including my most recent The Quantonium Gambit: A Red Apple Mystery featuring farming detective Hiram “Red” Apple) that I’m a red apple man. Not so much green apples, they look unripe and I’ve heard they’re full of poison. Anyhow to make a long story even more boring, I went to Whole Foods for apples. They have a good selection of apples (red apples) and although they’re a little pricey, where else can you get apples the size of pumpkins. It was also dinnertime so I went to the hot food carved meats section. They seemed understaffed and the guy in front of me was amazingly indecisive. Here’s the set up, it was about 7:30pm and they didn’t have a lot left; roast turkey, macaroni & cheese, carrots, mashed potatoes, and for some reason chicken wings. The guy was asking for things that weren’t there, like he would shame them into magically producing what he wanted. “mmmmm roast turkey…. Yeah, you don’t have any of that pork loin do you…. Yeah, that’s good stuff” “No sir, we ran out. I’m sorry” “Yeah… that’s too bad ‘cause that pork loin was real good…You don’t have any pot roast there do ya.” I left before I caved in his head with a soup ladle. So I went to the hot food buffet, Whole Foods usually has a good Chicken Tikki Masala. Unfortunately by this time of the night the serving dish for the Tikki Masala was just sauce. Restock the Tikki Masala pond with chicken or shut it down! I also had to pick up some decaf tea for my wife. I know that tea is a now a super specialized item but all I needed was basic Lipton’s decaf. Carrie had bought a decaf tea that was apple cinnamon flavored that tasted like flavors of food that astronauts would eat (“Try this space goo, it’s should taste like apple cinnamon” “rrrrRRRRaaaaaLLLLffffkoffkoffkoff…uuuuhhhh” “well, we have to tweak the flavor nodules a little”). Whole Foods doesn’t carry anything as pedestrian as Lipton’s. Maybe they bleach their tea bags, or filter their tea with orphan tears, I don’t know why. So it was kind of a workout finding regular decaf tea. Yeah, this rutabaga vermilion tea doesn’t have caffeine, but does it taste like tea? How about pine needle and offal tea? I finally found some normal decaf and the long national nightmare was over.

    • lauer
    • October 27th, 2009

    re-stock the chicken masala pond – brilliant!

    thanks tim – oh, and “BUYMOSIS” love that shit.

    thanks again, see you crabing.
    -lauer

    • Jim Norton
    • October 27th, 2009

    That chicken tikka masala is seriously hit or miss. Twice rewarded, twice penalized.

    And I’ve always cast a jaundiced eye upon the patronage of the hot food buffet there. Your ‘pork loin guy’ is a representative slice, from my few experiences there. I once commented that most of the people in the area seemed to be there alone, but for social reasons.

    I’m a’gin it.

    • miss Klutch
    • October 27th, 2009

    Only Lauer understands. No surprise there.

    • J.G. Shields
    • October 28th, 2009

    Tim I love this stuff of la vie quotidienne (sic) (hic) (It’s late…)
    I feel like I am reading Bukowski without the booze, which is fine cause all his drinking makes me want to wretch.
    Inquiring minds want to know…Wasn’t that you on “The Dating Game” angling to get a date with pre-Jeanie Barbara Eden? I was up watching the game show channel and suddenly there you were, smoking your ubiquitous pipe and looking smug in your silk shirt with Grecian woodland creatures on it. By the way…How was she?
    Yours,
    Van Lingo Mungo

    • Brett Beach
    • October 28th, 2009

    Wow, Foodtown and Whole Foods back to back? That’s an aggravation fest. I could not have done it.

    • Fran
    • October 28th, 2009

    This made me laugh out loud!!!
    Great!

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