I Hate Me, part 307,115

and again, Foodtown

Websters defines Scat as “Sexual practice related to shit.”. Monmouth County defines Scat as Special Citizens Access Transport” commonly referred to as the senior bus. Today was Scat (2nd definition) day at Foodtown (While every second monday is Scat (1st definition) day at Prongs and Such over in Monmouth Beach). The Scat bus let off a bunch of seniors who acted as sort of a “Slow Gang” running slow motion roughshod throughout Foodtown. Look, I’m happy when the elderly do stuff for themselves. It’s heartwarming and it gives me a brief glimmer of hope that if I live that long I’ll be able to slowly toddle through the store cursing the President over the high price of prunes. The horror began in the produce section where I got stuck in the middle of a sheep pack, five old women who just seemed to be sightseeing through fruits and vegetables, “Oooh look, yams”, “That’s not a yam, that’s a squash”. I finally escaped down a side aisle, near the self service soup. Aauuugh! Another log jam, this time four elderly people who seemed like prehistoric animals stuck in a tar pit, were discussing but not buying the soup. I saw a hole in their defense and tried to slip through but was blocked by an impossibly small woman. Not a midget or dwarf, just very very tiny. Like she was of normal size once, but time and life just shrank her. In my soft non-threatening voice “Excuse me ma’am, could I get by.” She responded in a voice that sounded like a frog who gargled whiskey while smoking “Alright, Hold your horses, I’m movin’”, and indeed she was moving but her tiny legs made her progress non-existent. I finally got all my stuff and made it to an empty register. So I’m thinking alright, this is ending ok. I forgot our Foodtown savings card so I gave the checkout girl our phone number so they could credit my purchase. As I’m giving the girl our phone number, she’s looking oddly at me. The kind of look that says something like “Hey, your beard is made of shit”. So I give her what for me is a big smile and quickly stare at the ground. After I bag everything and go to pay I get the same “shitbeard” glare. Now I’m genuinely puzzled but I just shook it off and went to the car. After I loaded the car I caught reflection in the side view mirror, my lips and teeth were covered in blood. I must have bitten the inside of my upper lip and didn’t notice it, so by the time I got to the checkout counter my lips, teeth, and part of my beard were bloody. I hadn’t shaved in a couple of days so I must have looked like hell. Unshaven, unkempt hair, messy clothes, and a bloody mouth. It’s clear I can’t go back for a while, unless I’m in disguise.

    • Creepy 13
    • October 22nd, 2009

    Tim—mustve been embarrasing. The only thing worse is someone scoping out a nose goblin that you might be unaware of—-at least from my experience


    • SRS
    • October 30th, 2009

    Oh my god tim! you really didn’t know you had blood in your mouth? Does your saliva always taste like that? You poor thing!

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