By Ellis Valentine editor Science?! Magazine
With all the hoopla about the year 2012; the end of the world, the Mayan calender, things of that nature, I decided to do some scientific investigating. I enlisted noted clairvoyant and spirit hunter Pat Zachry. You may know Zachry from his highly rated cable TV show BOO! Together we attempted to find out what we could about this whole mayan rigamarole, we held a seance and actually contacted an ancient Mayan. What follows are the transcripts:
Present at the seance
Ellis Valentine (EV)-reporter
Pat Zachry (PZ)-clairvoyant
Ah Kumix Muzencab Uinicob Jr.*(AK)-mayan spirit contacted thru seance
PZ-Alright then, I think I’ve gotten something. Hello, who are you and what is your name?
AK-Ah Kumix Muzencab Uinicob Jr.
EV-Can I call you Ah or Kumix?
EV-ooookay then, so you’re an ancient mayan, right? What did you do back then?
AK-Worked on the calender
EV-Great. You know it’s kind of a big deal now, your calender went for 5,100 years and then it just stops in 2012. It kind of freaks a lot of people out. You know, end of the world people. Do you have any info on why it ends in 2012, is it the end of the world?
AK-are you crazy. We just got tired of doing it. Do you know how much work it takes to do a calender that size? No, you don’t know how much work it takes do you? I didn’t think so. It takes a lot of goddamned work. We got tired and we said that’s that. we had hoped that some bright civilization that followed us would add to it, you know keep it going. Were you guys too busy to do that, mmmm?
EV-Uh…no. We don’t even use the mayan calender anymore, it was kind of a pain in the ass.
AK-Oh really, so why do you give a shit about it? Does anyone still use it?
EV- There’s a couple of guys who wrote end of the world books who use it and uh…no…yeah that’s about it.
AK-So you called me back by seance to ask me stupid questions about a calender no one uses anymore?
EV-Well, there’s more to it than that. Look, you don’t have to be a dick about it.
AK-I’m a dick?! You drag me through time and space, ask me dumbass questions and I’m a dick. Fuck off, I’m leaving and don’t contact me anymore.
EV-Don’t worry, dick. (to Pat Zachry) wow, that was unexpected. He was being a dick though, wasn’t he?
PZ-yeah,yeah he was a dick. Look I said I’d contact him, I didn’t say he’d be cool…You know you still owe me $500 for this.
EV-(deep sigh) Really?…Is there an ATM around here?
We at Science?! Magazine think that the transcript speaks for itself.
*Mayan Pronunciation Tips:
-the letter X is pronounced like the English SH or the Canadian K
-LLL is pronounced TKP
-CU and UC and KU are all pronounced MMMMMM
-the letters T,G,W,5,Q are all interchangeable and sound like a growling dog
-the letter Z does not exist in the mayan alphabet but ZZ does