Archive for September, 2009

Book Nook, New Fiction

NY Times Review of Books: Short List, New Fiction

The Fool Moon (Bloodfever 5) by Lansing Purven (Read-A-Book, $27.95)
Werewolves teach an Ohio town about tolerance.

Crash & Byrne: The Killer Wore Fur by Chet North (Crimetime, $24.95)
Detectives Steppington Crash and Ambrose Byrne investigate a series of murders, seemingly committed by cats.

Silver Skull Slivers by Fanta Ray (atomik press, $24.95)
A squad of post-apocalyptic computer hackers battle space vampires on the lost highway; by the author of “Blackout Barbie”

Gavel to Grave by Boone Pfister (Remainder & Son, $27.95)
Wrongly accused hot shot lawyer has 24 hours to prove he’s not Hitler’s son.

Dirty Water Diaries by Dom Felt (Walnut Press, $24.95)
A widowed hot dog vender and his young autistic son travel the country dispensing hot dogs and wisdom.

Shadow of M’Lady’s Sword by Zal Cooley (Hapless & Larf, $27.95)
Dernbow McNudo, a cloud master must return to the liquid forest while fighting an erotic curse; part nine of the Shadow Pilgrim series

2012 and the Mayan calender

By Ellis Valentine editor Science?! Magazine

With all the hoopla about the year 2012; the end of the world, the Mayan calender, things of that nature, I decided to do some scientific investigating. I enlisted noted clairvoyant and spirit hunter Pat Zachry. You may know Zachry from his highly rated cable TV show BOO! Together we attempted to find out what we could about this whole mayan rigamarole, we held a seance and actually contacted an ancient Mayan. What follows are the transcripts:
Present at the seance
Ellis Valentine (EV)-reporter
Pat Zachry (PZ)-clairvoyant
Ah Kumix Muzencab Uinicob Jr.*(AK)-mayan spirit contacted thru seance

PZ-Alright then, I think I’ve gotten something. Hello, who are you and what is your name?
AK-Ah Kumix Muzencab Uinicob Jr.
EV-Can I call you Ah or Kumix?
AK-no
EV-ooookay then, so you’re an ancient mayan, right? What did you do back then?
AK-Worked on the calender
EV-Great. You know it’s kind of a big deal now, your calender went for 5,100 years and then it just stops in 2012. It kind of freaks a lot of people out. You know, end of the world people. Do you have any info on why it ends in 2012, is it the end of the world?
AK-are you crazy. We just got tired of doing it. Do you know how much work it takes to do a calender that size? No, you don’t know how much work it takes do you? I didn’t think so. It takes a lot of goddamned work. We got tired and we said that’s that. we had hoped that some bright civilization that followed us would add to it, you know keep it going. Were you guys too busy to do that, mmmm?
EV-Uh…no. We don’t even use the mayan calender anymore, it was kind of a pain in the ass.
AK-Oh really, so why do you give a shit about it? Does anyone still use it?
EV– There’s a couple of guys who wrote end of the world books who use it and uh…no…yeah that’s about it.
AK-So you called me back by seance to ask me stupid questions about a calender no one uses anymore?
EV-Well, there’s more to it than that. Look, you don’t have to be a dick about it.
AK-I’m a dick?! You drag me through time and space, ask me dumbass questions and I’m a dick. Fuck off, I’m leaving and don’t contact me anymore.
EV-Don’t worry, dick. (to Pat Zachry) wow, that was unexpected. He was being a dick though, wasn’t he?
PZ-yeah,yeah he was a dick. Look I said I’d contact him, I didn’t say he’d be cool…You know you still owe me $500 for this.
EV-(deep sigh) Really?…Is there an ATM around here?

We at Science?! Magazine think that the transcript speaks for itself.

******************************************************************
*Mayan Pronunciation Tips:
the letter X is pronounced like the English SH or the Canadian K
LLL is pronounced TKP
CU and UC and KU are all pronounced MMMMMM
the letters T,G,W,5,Q are all interchangeable and sound like a growling dog
the letter Z does not exist in the mayan alphabet but ZZ does

To confuse and annoy

While at work being bored out of our minds, Matt and I came up with another way to confuse and annoy people. When you spell out a word for somebody (ie: CUT, C as in cat, U as in udder, T as in teeth) use words with silent first letters. Here is a short play as an explanation:
-Bad Chinese Cookware. By Tim Cronin-
[The scene: a kitchen that’s a mess, two people talking]
Man-Wow, that chinese cookware I just bought is awful. Look at this mess! It was a gyp wok.
Woman– A chipmunk?
Man-No, A Gyp Wok. A as in aisle, G as in gnome, Y as in you, P as in Pterodactyl, W as in write, O as in one, K as in knife!
Woman-You’re an idiot.
—THE END—-
I hope this explains my confusing/annoying idea

I Like Records 22

rappinstineThe true heirs to the Frankenstein legend?

I Hate Me, part. 211,662

Our dishwasher won’t drain. I did the basic check list of things that could be wrong; A) Dishwasher not engulfed in flames (check) B) Dishwasher not full of cement (check). OK then, so I checked further on-line with some sites named Thedoityourselfer.com and behandy,man.com. I have hands but I’m far from handy so these sites were useless to me. For further proof of my anti-handyman status see my articles “The Little Dryer That Couldn’t” and “Why The hell Are You Still Leaking?!” that were published in Helpless Clod Monthly. So I called the appliance service:

Hello AAA Service
-Yes, I’m having trouble…
Please hold
[TICKTICKTICK]
Can I help you
-Yes, I’m having trouble with my dishwasher, it won’t drain and…
Please hold
[TICKTICKTICK]
Name?
-Tim Cronin C-R-O-N-I-N
C-L-O-R
-No, C-R-O-N-I-N
Ok, your address?
-(very slowly) 201 Throckmelton Avenue, Red Bank. T-H-R-O-C-K
(interrupting) T-R-U-L-K
-NO! T-H-R-O-C-K-M-E-L-T-O-N avenue
Is that street or road?
-Avenue
Town?
-Red Bank R-E-D
I know how to spell it
-Great
It’s$59.99forthevisitthatfeeiswaived(DEEPBREATH)ifwedothework.
-When can you come and look at it
(Talking to someone next to her but still talking into the phone) RedBank?
-YES! I live in Red Bank! Jesuschrist!
I was talking to the repairman, 9-1 or 1-5
-mmm 1-5 to but I’ll be at work so he’ll have to call me on my cel-phone
OK (click, hangs up)
[GRRR/DIAL/RING]
Hello, AAA Service
Yeah, my name is Cronin, I just called. I told you to call my cel phone tomorrow, but you never took my phone number and hung up
(deep sigh) what is it?

Against all odds the repairman showed up. He took the dishwasher out laid it on the floor and started working on it, There was hot water coming out of it and he kept yelling for towels. It was like the dishwasher was giving birth.
Well, it didn’t make it and we are now dishwasherless. Which I know in the greater scheme of things doesn’t really matter. It wasn’t like our breadmaking machine or our automatic shoelacer broke down, that would have been a calamity. So now it’s paper plates and plastic flatware stolen from take out joints.

Post Script: Yes, I know that most people would wash their dishes by hand and that I might be acting like a baby, and a lazy baby at that.  But as a forward thinker I’m looking towards a world where food will be in pill form and there’ll be no need for dishes or machines that wash dishes.  So with pill food just around the corner I’d be a sap to buy a new dishwasher or do dishes by hand.  So I’ve decided that I’ll (my family hasn’t agreed with me, yet) just use paper plates,and cups, and crepe paper pots and pans and cooking utensils made from branches and bark.  We’ll eat our dinner on a table made from Truck tires and  then we’ll burn those tires for heat and light.  The broken dishwasher has freed us from the social contract with mankind, amen.

Red Bank, leading the way

Always ahead of the curve, Red Bank (AKA: the little town that could, but chose not to) has become the first municipality in the nation to enact anti-Nickelback legislation. Mayor Pat (Pasquale) Menna sez “It’s about time somebody stood up to these louts.”   Nickelback could not be reached for comment.  In a related story Middletown (AKA: the town in the middle) has canceled their third annual “Hooray for Three Doors Down” sale-abration. No explanation was given.no

I Like Records 21

A tall, gaunt bespectacled drunk guy who knows me through mutual friends was in. He’s usually a mess and his claim to fame is that he demanded to go to my wedding and have his invite sent to the Burger King, because “They know me there”. Of course I never sent out the invite but he blamed Burger King for losing it instead of me not sending it, “Fuckin’ Burger King can’t do anything right”. Today I heard him before I saw him, he was in the far aisle lecturing a father and his child about songs being in a minor key. He saw me and glided over to the back counter and started some drunken blather. I wrote it down, it  reads like sad poetry:
Yeah, I’m gonna have to write a new one
John the Baptist, fuck Jesus
No, no I didn’t mean that
I said it, but
You know my brother’s dying of cancer
I wanted him to come in and see everything
I had such grandiose plans
But he confused me
Confused me