Archive for June, 2009

I Hate Me, Pt. 167,090

We’re in Switzerland right now playing the Greenfield festival and it reminded me of when we were in Lucerne Switzerland a few years back. We were staying outside of the city in a quaint hamlet and as is my wont I went for a stroll or a ramble or a stumble (as the English would say) and after about thirty or forty seconds began to tire. So I saw a bench on the side of the road and decided to have a sit. It was really beautiful, rolling hills, picturesque swiss money trees in the background. So I sat down on the bench and leaned back, there was a fence up against it holding back some cows. After a couple of seconds I felt a sharp pain on my back like I’d been bitten by something. I made a half assed attempt to swat whatever it was away and sat back down. Ow! another bite, what the fuck, am I sitting near a hornets nest or something? this happened a few more times and I was thinking that I was about to be attacked by a swarm of angry bees, wasps,or hornets. the key words being “angry” and “swarm”. I got up to look for the invading swarm and as I did I touched the fence and got a shock. I seems the cow fence was electrified, not enough to kill just to embarrass.

Revealing Slayer Interview

I just read an interview with Slayer in last months Metal Face magazine and I found out a couple of surprising things. Here’s a couple of quotes from the interview by Ian “creepy” Hilfiger:
Tom Araya- “Well, I had real bad dandruff when we were writing Seasons In the Abyss and one morning when I was combing my hair (editors note: Mr. Araya has long hair) there was a shitload of dandruff in the sink and I was kind of stoned and I thought, wow I bet there’s enough dandruff which is ya know dead skin, enough fuckin’ dandruff to make a mask out of it. I didn’t actually make a mask out of it, but I could of. So yeah, that’s where “Dead Skin Mask” comes from.” he continued “ Yeah, and ya know “Angel of Death” is really about a bad dream Jeff (Hanneman, guitarist for Slayer) had about Dr. Seuss, who he insists on calling Dr. Zeus which is kind of weird, but yeah we thought saying it was about Dr. Mengele just sounded cooler.”

Notes From Das Boot 23

6/12/09 Lindau Germany
An uneventful 8 hr flight from Newark to Frankfurt punctuated by horrible movies. I’m talking about The Pink Panther II, such a wretched time waster that it made three episodes of House (a doctor who doesn’t play by the rules) seem almost bearable. The back-up entertainment was the always annoying “the where are we now plane” which shows a giant plane (easily 50 miles long) on the course that we’re flying with

Smokey the Whale

Smokey the Whale

facts like headwind speed, current time at arrival, and headwind speed. The usual response is “Good Christ, we’re still over Greenland, it feels like we’ve been flying for months. Auuugh!”. Since we’re doing this tour on the cheap we didn’t ship any gear and brought everything but backline with us, 30 pieces of luggage in all, guitars, cymbals, pedals, cable, etc. It was kind of a mess especially when Bobo our tour manager led us to the bus, it was like playing Super Mario Brothers. Drag all the gear to a freight elevator, go down two floors, drag it up an escalator, put it all on airport terminal connecting train, go half a mile, drag it to another escalator, go down two floors, two more escalators, then we got to the bus. Oh yeah, there were giant gorillas throwing barrels at us the whole time. A quick 350 mile drive and we’re in Lindau which is right near Switzerland, it’s beautiful and I had a real good German dinner, Schnitzel and Spaetzel. On our way to the restaurant I saw this billboard for Lucky Strikes that had a cute whale made up of Lucky Strikes packs. It looks like Lucky’s “Smokey the Whale” continues in the tradition of Joe Camel. Hey kids an animal promoting smoking

A real message (really)

I’m leaving for tour this afternoon for two and half weeks, so while I’ll be posting my idiocy I’m at the mercy of european wi-fi or digital carrier pigeons or whatever they hell they use over there. The upshot is maybe a few posts one day (lucky you) and none the next (luckier you).

I Hate Me, Pt. 171,842

Spiderman
I’m not a huge fan of spiders. Yes, I know all the good they do: The silken webs, their beautiful singing voices, time traveling.    I get it, they’re amazing creatures. I just hate them, they creep me out. I don’t flee in terror (most times) but we have an understanding, and we’ll leave it at that. Today at work I had to go across the street to one of Jacks many buildings and clean up a bunch of crap in the basement. This was fine, it got me out of the store for a bit. I was taking apart a bunch of old metal storage shelves. Things were going along ok when i got to the last of the shelves and it was festooned with spider webs and Holy Shit! a giant spider. It was thick and about the size of a CD. I dropped the partially dismantled shelf and just stared at it, I was looking for signs of angry spider life. After a few minutes I went over to the shelf and kicked it over to see about the spider and then i realized the “spider” was just a big piece of dust in the spider web. I was relieved and went back to wrestling with the shelves and I felt something on my arm. Auugghhh! a real spider, I jumped and hit my head on the low basement ceiling and landed in the pile of dismantled shelves. At least the spider was gone as well as what little pride I had left.

Bacon Chat

Farquad Nurn is a one man bacon missionary. He’s the author of many books including Baking with Bacon: the Famous Bacon Diet Pt.III, The Bacon Diaries: A quest for a bacon based society, also Bacon on Bacon (a photo essay with artist Francis Bacon posing with bacon) and most recently The Bacon Soldiers: one man’s plan for peace in the Middle East. Mr. Nurn also has a P.H.D in Baconology from Stamford. We’re lucky enough to have him answer some of your questions:

Q: My husband and I tried your bacon diet and it was delicious, however after three months and sixty pounds of bacon my husband dropped dead. The attending physician said his heart looked like a hockey puck. I myself now sweat bacon fat instead of perspiration and my doctors are worried. My question is, did you actually test your diet before publishing it?

A: Mmmmmm, your doctor said his heart looked like a hockey puck. Hockey is played in Canada. This leads me to believe that your “husband” mixed Canadian bacon in with his normal bacon regime. This is a huge mistake, Canadian bacon is not actually bacon, it’s an inferior and sometimes deadly version of traditional, good, wholesome, God fearing American bacon. So it’s your fault, I’m sorry but that’s the way it is. In answer to the second part of your question, Yes the diet was tested, tested with my superior mind. The bacon diet is infallible, any problems would be from your inferior mind and body. Next Question!

Q: In your book The Bacon Soldiers: one man’s plan for peace in the Middle East, you have a “5 point bacon/peace manifesto”. I find your reasoning flawed as the Jewish faith forbids pork products. What were you thinking?

A: I don’t see a problem with my manifesto. You need to think outside the box. A new paradigm is needed. Think outside the paradigm! I’m a forward thinker powered by bacon and I have very little time to deal with trifles like “religion” or “health”. The bacon mind is a steel trap, synapses firing at speeds un-thought of by non-baconers. Bow down before the Bacon, you are small, insignificant. Bacon is all. All is Bacon………….

[That concludes Bacon Chat]

Letter From the Author

Dear Sir/Sirs/Madam/Ladies

Pardon the impersonal-ness of this letter but as I’m sending it out to all media outlets it cannot be helped.

My name is J. Corregidor Thacket, I am the writer of a new movie entitled Stabbo: Legend of the Butcher Clown. “Writer”,  that’s what it says on the screen.  In reality First Vision Pictures hijacked and destroyed my original story Eleven Tall Trees: A President McKinley Adventure and turned it into the dreck you see splattered across the movie screen. I tried to have my name removed but due to legal reasons (damn you, 25th amendment) my name is still attached to it. To the many fans of my President McKinley Adventure series, I’m truly sorry but one man alone cannot change the Hollywood hell machine that grinds up dreams and feeds them to orphans. The following is a list of some differences between my original screenplay and the abomination now showing nationwide at over 10,000 theaters.
President Mckinley (Paul Simon) is now Stabbo the Clown (Art Garfunkel). The Eleven Tall Trees have been changed to a sorority located in an old slaughterhouse. Lincolns Ghost has been changed to a hermaphrodite Lincolns Ghost and McKinleys secret zombie advisors (aka, the Men Who Know, or the MWK) are now a series of wise bleeding ulcers. So I implore you not to see Stabbo: Legend of the Butcher Clown, also my new President Mckinley Adventure, The Clockwork Madrigal: A President Mckinley Adventure will be in bookstores soon.

Thank You.
J. Corregidor Thacket
Author of the President McKinley Adventures

HOW AND WHY ANIMALS LAUGH

How do you graph the evolution of a laugh? Of humor? Researchers found that the patterns fit a classic evolutionary tree.
Those patterns hint at the ancient origins of human hilarity and suggest that other social species – including apes, dogs, cats, and rats – really, truly laugh and have a sense of humor as well.
“What we can say is that laughter and humor go back at least 10 to 16 million years,” said University of Portsmouth primatologist Marina Davila Ross, one of the researchers behind the study published online today in the journal Current Biology. “It could go farther than that.”
A prominent researcher in the specialized field of animal laughter, Jaaaak Panksepp of Washington State College University, said it definitely goes farther back than that. “I personally think that a credible humor concept can, and already has been, extended to species as lowly as the rat,” he told me in an e-mail. The following is a breakdown of humor in different species:
Chimps-Enjoy sarcasm and political humor, especially Art Buchwald.
Gorillas-The majority of gorillas appreciate a well executed pratfall and respond favorably to the films of Ingmar Bergman (the funny ones)
Dogs-are big fans of knock-knock jokes with the exception Labrador retrievers who have a fondness for parody
Wolves-An unsubstantiated report claims that certain Alaskan Grey Wolves will don a funny hat during times of tension within the pack to calm things down
Rats- tests have indicated that the majority of rats respond well to the comic strip Family Circus.
Cats-The Don Rickles of the animal kingdom, cats favor insult humor, and racist jokes. They also have a tendency to work “blue” when children are about.

I Like Records 14

There’s a guy who periodically come in and sells a bunch of old rock CD’s for a bunch of different old rock CD’s (example: trade in Ratt-Out of the Cellar and Aerosmith-Night in the Ruts for credit towards Deep Purple –Perfect Stranger). This guy is alright, a little down on his luck, kind of a sad sack but he’s ok. The only problem is he smells real bad. I’ve lived on tour busses that have smelled like a foot made of balls, but this guy kind of pushes the smell envelope, like the Turnpike through Elizabeth. The odd thing is it’s not the usual type of offensive smell, it’s always an odd mix. A few weeks ago it was “smokey oatmeal sweat”, last week it was “old coffee feet” and today it was “barbequed shit”. It’s always offensive, but interesting, in a nauseous way.

Notes From Das Boot 22

11/29/08 Bilbao, Spain
We played Madrid last night and it was really good. Madrid was pretty cool, well as much as I could see of it was. Danny, Stady and I went out to dinner and not being from here picked a restaurant that looked pretty good, unfortunately it was a Spanish version of Olive Garden. Ugh. Load out was weird, the bus had to pull up outside in front of an active bus-stop and it was kind of crazy. Oh yeah, it was raining and the loaders from the club were a bunch of surly, lazy eastern European guys who were useless and invisible. Hope to get to the Guggenheim today.

12/12/93 Hannover, Germany
Playing with the Ramones is pretty goddamned great. I talked to Joey today and he said, “You guys remind me of uh…uh…White…uh” and I tried to help, “White Zombie?” “No..uh…uh…White…uh…” “White Lion?!” “No..no…uh..White Elephant.” And then he was gone, I’ve never heard of White Elephant, maybe he was joking.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 776 other followers