Archive for May 25th, 2009

Presidential Soothsayer

Most presidents up through Ronald Reagan have had an occult advisor. John Quincy Adams had a hermaphroditic weasel named Doug who scratched out predictions on a desk. Calvin Coolidge had “The Chief” a time travelling Sioux warrior. While the presidential soothsayers were seldom accurate (ie: Teddy Roosevelts preparation for a war with molemen) they were usually consulted on matters of the state. The following is a transcript from 1868 of President Andrew Johnson and his soothsayer Todd discussing plans for a proposed Memorial Day holiday. Todd claimed to be a direct descendent of Merlin and had his own crystal ball:

-Alright Todd old boy, I want to have this Memorial Day holiday just perfect, it’s to honor all the fallen men from the armed forces. Look into that crystal ball of yours and tell me how this holiday’s gonna turn out.

-Okey dokey Mister President. It looks like a dandy of a holiday. It honors the Marines, Army, Navy and later on something called the Air Force

-The Air Force, what the hell is that?

-The crystal ball’s a little fuzzy sir but it looks like a race of giant steel birdmen…with guns.

-Giant…Steel…Birdmen…with guns, are they on our side?

-It seems that way sir.

-Well thank God for that, any more surprises in that thing.

-I see something in the very distant future, it’s really faint… but it looks like something called the Kiss Army.

-The Kiss Army?

-The Kiss Army, many of their soldiers appear to be in warpaint.

-Like indians?

-No sir, more like actors.

-Kiss Army? Good lord! Is it an army of prostitutes? Homosexuals? Is it some form of kissing warfare?

-It’s hard to tell sir.

-(groan)Turn off your confounded crystal ball, I do not wish to see any more of the future….(heavy sigh) where’s my opium.

Origins of Slang

See You Later, Alligator

During WWII good help was hard to find with most able bodied men off to war. This extended to the criminal underworld as well. Chicago crime boss Johnny Stabberino was having a hard time collecting debts from his loan sharking and protection endeavors. So he employed the use of wild animals to help collect. Stabberino started with hyenas and wolverines but wasn’t happy with the results, in a six month period there was no money collected and sixteen maulings, including three of his own men. On the advice of his associate Teddy “Manhattan Project” Theodore he tried alligators. Hentchmen were trained in alligator handling and the new system proved a boon to debt collecting. Soon thuggish men with alligators were a common sight in Chicago and it usually meant trouble. “See you later, alligator” became shorthand for “I’m getting the hell out of here, there’s a psycho with an alligator nearby”. Years later rock ‘n roll originator and inveterate gambler Bill Haley wrote a hit song using that phrase.