Archive for May, 2009

I Hate Me, Part 097,664

There’s a Manhattan Bagel Shop near work and sometimes when the fates conspire against me I’ll end up there for lunch. I think it’s a training store for them, at least I hope so as the service is less than ideal at times. There was a sullen teen working the counter, he was trying to look tough but was too overfed to really pull it off. Two old people were in front of me and were pretty oblivious to their surroundings, like they wandered in by accident. The counter kid in a slack jawed monotone asked if anyone needed help. The elderly couple didn’t respond so I stepped in front of them and even though I thought the kid was a douche I gave him a conspiratorial eyeroll towards the old people. It was a   Ha! Look at those feeble clueless old people, pffft, type look.  The kid, deadpan then rolls his eyes and gives me a You ain’t so cool yourself, fatman, look.  Auuurrrrgh! I ordered my shitty sandwich and not having a newspaper, I read a book of coupons that were left on the table. Check and mate.

New from the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog

 

Humanitarian bug vac

Humanitarian bug vac

The Humanitarian Bug Vacuum

This cordless insect vacuum quickly captures bugs from up to two feet away. Insects are suctioned by a 22,500-rpm motor sending the insect through a one way valve in the extension tube to a small holding cell. Once inside the insects are counseled about bothering humans and pets. Internal software determines the bugs actual remorse and if it’s sufficient enough is released back into society. Those insects deemed not contrite enough are euthanized and their tiny bug organs are harvested to help sick and infirm insects. Control insects the humanitarian way……………………$5,000.00

Zambrano ejected as Cubs beat Pirates

 

the victim

the victim

CHICAGO (AP) – Carlos Zambrano’s tantrum kept escalating. The emotional ace of the Chicago Cubs went wild, throwing a ball into the outfield, heaving his glove and then whacking a dugout drink dispenser with a bat.

[In the Dugout]
Gatorade Dispenser-“Oh for cryin’ out loud is that Zambrano freakin’ out again.”

Bag of Sunflower Seeds- “yup”

Gatorade Dispenser-“Goddamn it, maybe he’ll beat the shit out of the water cooler today, Christ I hope so.”

Water Cooler-“Fuck you, he’s gonna hit you, and here he comes.”

ZAMBRANO BEATS THE HELL OUT OF THE GATORADE DISPENSER

Gatorade Dispenser-“Ow, ow, owwww, Jesus Christ, I didn’t do nothin’, stop, owwwww. For fucks sake, knock it off.”

GATORADE DISPENSER IS NOW ON THE GROUND, GATORADE SPILLED EVERYWHERE

Gatorade Dispenser-“Fuckin’ hell, somebody pick me the fuck up. Goddamn it Carlos, calm the fuck down or hit something else, jesus.”

Bag of Sunflower Seeds-“Well…you do really want to keep that intensity, he is a great competitor.

Water Cooler-“Ya gotta like that intensity.”

Gatorade Dispenser- “Fuck you guys, you ain’t getting’ the shit beat out of you. Christ, will somebody pick me the fuck up!!”

Elvis Auction

May 27 (Bloomberg) — Guns, smashed T.V’s, pill bottles and a device used for treating Elvis Presley’s sinuses will be up for sale in the first auction of items from the collection of George “Dr. Nick” Nichopoulos, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll’s physician.

The auction, part of a bigger sale that also has memorabilia from Marilyn Monroe and other celebrities, is planned for June 26-27 at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. It includes nine of Presley’s medication bottles, and a prescription for bacon (2 lb’s a day) that was issued to Presley a day before his 1977 death. That item is expected to fetch $800 to $1,200.

Notes From Das Boot 20

5/16/01 Colorado Springs
A good couple of days, we had a day off in Albuquerque and I had Carrie & Maggie fly out. Maggie stayed with Glinda and Betty. It was real good to see Carrie, it’s odd when a regular person drops into this circus. The language of touring is mainly brusque gallows humor, cursing and sarcasm, it’s a little hard to rein that shit in when a loved one comes out. Hope I did ok. The Sunshine Theater in Albuquerque was kind of a dive, and they spelled our name wrong on the marquee “Moster Maget”, guess they ran out of N’s. Also our bus got hit with one of those town trolley buses and it’s kind of fucked.

6/25/08 London
Played the Astoria with a band called Amplifier, their guitarist had about 25 fucking effect pedals and the bassist had 30. A puzzled nation asks why.

Presidential Soothsayer

Most presidents up through Ronald Reagan have had an occult advisor. John Quincy Adams had a hermaphroditic weasel named Doug who scratched out predictions on a desk. Calvin Coolidge had “The Chief” a time travelling Sioux warrior. While the presidential soothsayers were seldom accurate (ie: Teddy Roosevelts preparation for a war with molemen) they were usually consulted on matters of the state. The following is a transcript from 1868 of President Andrew Johnson and his soothsayer Todd discussing plans for a proposed Memorial Day holiday. Todd claimed to be a direct descendent of Merlin and had his own crystal ball:

-Alright Todd old boy, I want to have this Memorial Day holiday just perfect, it’s to honor all the fallen men from the armed forces. Look into that crystal ball of yours and tell me how this holiday’s gonna turn out.

-Okey dokey Mister President. It looks like a dandy of a holiday. It honors the Marines, Army, Navy and later on something called the Air Force

-The Air Force, what the hell is that?

-The crystal ball’s a little fuzzy sir but it looks like a race of giant steel birdmen…with guns.

-Giant…Steel…Birdmen…with guns, are they on our side?

-It seems that way sir.

-Well thank God for that, any more surprises in that thing.

-I see something in the very distant future, it’s really faint… but it looks like something called the Kiss Army.

-The Kiss Army?

-The Kiss Army, many of their soldiers appear to be in warpaint.

-Like indians?

-No sir, more like actors.

-Kiss Army? Good lord! Is it an army of prostitutes? Homosexuals? Is it some form of kissing warfare?

-It’s hard to tell sir.

-(groan)Turn off your confounded crystal ball, I do not wish to see any more of the future….(heavy sigh) where’s my opium.

Origins of Slang

See You Later, Alligator

During WWII good help was hard to find with most able bodied men off to war. This extended to the criminal underworld as well. Chicago crime boss Johnny Stabberino was having a hard time collecting debts from his loan sharking and protection endeavors. So he employed the use of wild animals to help collect. Stabberino started with hyenas and wolverines but wasn’t happy with the results, in a six month period there was no money collected and sixteen maulings, including three of his own men. On the advice of his associate Teddy “Manhattan Project” Theodore he tried alligators. Hentchmen were trained in alligator handling and the new system proved a boon to debt collecting. Soon thuggish men with alligators were a common sight in Chicago and it usually meant trouble. “See you later, alligator” became shorthand for “I’m getting the hell out of here, there’s a psycho with an alligator nearby”. Years later rock ‘n roll originator and inveterate gambler Bill Haley wrote a hit song using that phrase.

A Diner for All Seasons

 

How many seasons?

How many seasons?

There’s a diner near where I live that until a while ago was named The Four Seasons Diner. then one day it mysteriously changed it’s name to The All-Seasons Diner.
-MINUTES FROM THE FOUR SEASONS DINER OWNERS MEETING-


OWNER 1
-I’ve called an emergency meeting, we have to change our name.

OWNER 2-What happened?

OWNER 1-I have a friend in the government and word is they’re going to change the number of seasons.

OWNER 3-Are you sure, that sounds kind of crazy.

OWNER 1- Oh, I’m sure. The thing is no one knows what it’s going to be changed to. It could be three seasons or it could be five.

OWNER 2- Five seasons, three seasons? Are they mad? You’re right we have to change our name.

OWNER 3- What are we gonna change it to?

OWNER 1- Let’s be safe and change it to the All Seasons Diner, that way we won’t look like idiots.

OWNER 2- You’re a wise man.

OWNER 3- I agree, so from this moment on we’ll be known as the All Seasons Diner.

Notes From Das Boot 19

Dec. 8 2003, London
Played the Astoria, good show. After show backstage was packed, ten pounds of shit in a five pound back as we used to say when I was a kid. Saw Danny from Gluecifer there, he’s a good guy. Danny does this thing when he gets drunk, he goes into a crowded room and pulls down his pants, bends over and yells “Bikerack!” I don’t think it gets as much laughs as he thinks it does or maybe he’s doing a performance art thing.

6/27/08 Gothenburg, Sweden
We were on a ferry between Germany and Denmark and there were these old people with two gigantic Labrador Retrievers. The guy said they were only puppies, which had me in fear of a race of gigantic Danish superdogs that would take over the world.

Mistaken Identity

I was out the other day with my wife and outside of a candy store was a giant retarded looking teddy bear, “Oh, that looks like you” she said. Besides sending me into a suicidal torpor it got me thinking of the times I’ve been a victim of mistaken identity.

July 23, 1980/Middletown, NJ
-Mistaken for the cartoon character Grape Ape in the produce aisle of Foodtown “a town of food in your town”. *

July 19,1983 /Furnt, Ohio
-Mistaken for Jerry Garcia and pelted with garbage at Shitstock-3 Days of Hate festival. $

September 1, 1993/Venice, Italy
-Mistaken for the character of Harry from the movie Harry and the Hendersons at the International Harry and The Hendersons Expo and Symposium. @

December 3, 1996/Red Bank, NJ
-Mistaken for a large moving shrub by a nearsighted old woman. *@

November 22, 1999/ Los Angeles
-Mistaken for John Popper, singer of Blues Traveler by John Popper who thought he was in an alternative universe and I was his double. * $

KEY:
*-Police were called
$-Hospital stay
@-Feelings hurt

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