from the mundane to the mundane and back again

Humanitarian bug vac

The Humanitarian Bug Vacuum

This cordless insect vacuum quickly captures bugs from up to two feet away. Insects are suctioned by a 22,500-rpm motor sending the insect through a one way valve in the extension tube to a small holding cell. Once inside the insects are counseled about bothering humans and pets. Internal software determines the bugs actual remorse and if it’s sufficient enough is released back into society. Those insects deemed not contrite enough are euthanized and their tiny bug organs are harvested to help sick and infirm insects. Control insects the humanitarian way……………………$5,000.00

May 27 (Bloomberg) — Guns, smashed T.V’s, pill bottles and a device used for treating Elvis Presley’s sinuses will be up for sale in the first auction of items from the collection of George “Dr. Nick” Nichopoulos, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll’s physician.

The auction, part of a bigger sale that also has memorabilia from Marilyn Monroe and other celebrities, is planned for June 26-27 at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. It includes nine of Presley’s medication bottles, and a prescription for bacon (2 lb’s a day) that was issued to Presley a day before his 1977 death. That item is expected to fetch $800 to $1,200.

Most presidents up through Ronald Reagan have had an occult advisor. John Quincy Adams had a hermaphroditic weasel named Doug who scratched out predictions on a desk. Calvin Coolidge had “The Chief” a time travelling Sioux warrior. While the presidential soothsayers were seldom accurate (ie: Teddy Roosevelts preparation for a war with molemen) they were usually consulted on matters of the state. The following is a transcript from 1868 of President Andrew Johnson and his soothsayer Todd discussing plans for a proposed Memorial Day holiday. Todd claimed to be a direct descendent of Merlin and had his own crystal ball:

-Alright Todd old boy, I want to have this Memorial Day holiday just perfect, it’s to honor all the fallen men from the armed forces. Look into that crystal ball of yours and tell me how this holiday’s gonna turn out.

-Okey dokey Mister President. It looks like a dandy of a holiday. It honors the Marines, Army, Navy and later on something called the Air Force

-The Air Force, what the hell is that?

-The crystal ball’s a little fuzzy sir but it looks like a race of giant steel birdmen…with guns.

-Giant…Steel…Birdmen…with guns, are they on our side?

-It seems that way sir.

-Well thank God for that, any more surprises in that thing.

-I see something in the very distant future, it’s really faint… but it looks like something called the Kiss Army.

-The Kiss Army?

-The Kiss Army, many of their soldiers appear to be in warpaint.

-Like indians?

-No sir, more like actors.

-Kiss Army? Good lord! Is it an army of prostitutes? Homosexuals? Is it some form of kissing warfare?

-It’s hard to tell sir.

-(groan)Turn off your confounded crystal ball, I do not wish to see any more of the future….(heavy sigh) where’s my opium.

How many seasons?

There’s a diner near where I live that until a while ago was named The Four Seasons Diner. then one day it mysteriously changed it’s name to The All-Seasons Diner.
–MINUTES FROM THE FOUR SEASONS DINER OWNERS MEETING–

OWNER 1-I’ve called an emergency meeting, we have to change our name.

OWNER 2-What happened?

OWNER 1-I have a friend in the government and word is they’re going to change the number of seasons.

OWNER 3-Are you sure, that sounds kind of crazy.

OWNER 1– Oh, I’m sure. The thing is no one knows what it’s going to be changed to. It could be three seasons or it could be five.

OWNER 2- Five seasons, three seasons? Are they mad? You’re right we have to change our name.

OWNER 3– What are we gonna change it to?

OWNER 1– Let’s be safe and change it to the All Seasons Diner, that way we won’t look like idiots.

OWNER 2– You’re a wise man.

OWNER 3– I agree, so from this moment on we’ll be known as the All Seasons Diner.