Archive for February 27th, 2009

get me to the slots

I was driving to Cape May with my wife and we stopped at a rest area right before Atlantic City. On our way out we saw a small crowd of people gather around an old lady who had collapsed in the line at Burger King. The woman, who didn’t seem to be in any danger kept screaming “Get me to the slots! Get me to the slots!” On the outside of the crowd was this down syndrome Burger King employee, a broom pusher. The whole scene with the old woman was blowing his mind and he was hitting a table with his broom. I felt bad for the guy, it looked like his head was gonna explode. He had no supportive people around or coping skills to deal with it. The old woman just kept yelling and we left.

ham (I Hate Me, Pt.000,001)

After work I went to Foodtown for some cold cuts. It was about an hour until closing and pretty empty, the best time to shop. It’s like having your own store. There’s an old, skinny, worn out guy who works the deli section. The best thing about him is no small talk, “What do you want?” and “Here’s your order”. I ordered a half a pound of ham and he slices too much, almost a full pound and he starts to get upset. I tried to calm him down and told him it was fine, I’ll take what he sliced.  I pat myself on the belly and say, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not gonna go to waste.”  That should have been it but he came back with a morose “I can eat and eat and I never gain any weight.” I’m thinkin’ “Good for you, I hate you. You skinny bastard.” But I say “well, you’re a lucky man.” “I have a thyroid condition and I’m pretty sick.” I don’t know what to say, I mumble a “that sucks” and then there’s really uncomfortable silence that felt like ten minutes but it wasn’t more than ten seconds. I’m waiting for him to give me the ham and I’m thinking mantra like, “gimmethefuckin’ham gimmethefuckin’ham gimmethefuckin’ham”. “Do you want anything else?”, “no (never)”.