Posts Tagged ‘ starbucks ’

I Hate Me, part 415,015

I went to Starbucks and there was this giant biker in front of me.
The girl behind the counter was a new employee.
Biker- I wanna plain ice tea
Girl-Do you want sweetener?
The way she said “sweetener” sounded like “Swedener”, perhaps an additive to make the drink more Sweden like.
Biker-Wut?!
Girl-Do you want SWEDENER?
Biker-…Huh?..What are you asking me?
Girl-…Do YOU want any SWEDENER in your ice tea?
Biker-…I have no idea what your asking me…Swede what?
Girl-…Sugar…do you want any sugar in your ice tea?
Biker-No…No I said plain.
I was listening but looking off into space so it looked like I was oblivious and not paying attention. (although to be honest it often looks like I’m oblivious) What I should have been doing was staring intently at my phone. I thought of this just as the biker looked over at me, I couldn’t read his look. It was either “these people are idiots, am I right?” or “are you fucking looking/laughing at me?” This is when I started to look at my phone in a completely fake “I’m not getting a call, I’m avoiding life” type of way. Before this could go any further (ie: me acknowledging his look) his iced tea was delivered, I then ordered my iced coffee with swedener.
starbucks-3-0_1x

I Hate Me, part 428,414

I snuck out from work for a quick cup of coffee. I was tired and the cup of coffee I just had didn’t take as well as I had hoped. The Starbucks in town is pretty narrow and as I got there two mothers with double wide strollers were doing impromptu dance moves trying to get out of each other’s way with little success. Such little success that I went out the front door and walked around the building to the back entrance as it was slightly quicker than waiting for the dance recital to end. When I got on the line it wasn’t too bad. The kid in front of me, a slack jaw with an attempted beard was on a coffee run and had a list. Not really a list but many tiny scribbled pieces of paper with orders on them.
Can I get a large americano.”
” is that all?”
“Uh no…(fumbling in his pocket and he pulls out a note) I need a vanilla latte, big”
“Is that all?”
“…oh. Uh….(fumbling again for another note) another vanilla latte, with a shot of expresso
This went on for two more additions to his order. His pockets were like a clown car of annoyance and I was frozen, both angry and amused. The coffee gods were not smiling on me. Finally the kid finished and it was my turn. I gave the barista a “what the fuck was that?” look and he gave me an “I know, right” look back. So I ordered my coffee and went to pay for it with the Starbucks app on my phone (it’s easier!) but I didn’t have enough money on it. So then I went to pay with cash and I didn’t have enough on me. I finally paid with a credit card but not before realizing I had become “that unprepared asshole” to the customer behind me, much like that kid had been to me. And a life lesson was wasted on me as I was just as peeved at the guy behind me for being what I assumed to be slightly irked. If he wasn’t he should have been, God Knows I would have.

another way to fail

another way to fail

I Hate Me, part 301,725

Why I’m washing my money

I went to Foodtown a couple of nights ago, paid with my bankcard and got $15 cash back. I didn’t realize it but the $5 and the $10 had what I think (hope) was a bit of gum on them. Really tiny but enough to have them stuck together. I didn’t find this out until I was on line at Starbucks on Saturday. ICK! they’re stuck together. I didn’t want to pay for the coffee with sticky money because I didn’t want to be known as the guy who paid with sticky money.
“you know that guy from Jacks, well he paid this morning with a five that was sticky.”
“Ewww…throw it out.”
“I did”
Then I was going to switch it out from the register at work but if the money is sticky, it might stick to other money in the drawer and we’d give out too much change and the drawer would be short and I’d be fired and then I’d have to live under a bridge somewhere like a troll. So that was out. So I figured, wash the money. I sprayed it with Windex my go to clean anything savior (from counter tops to small cuts and everything in between). It didn’t take off the gum, just spread it around a bit so it was actually more sticky. Fuck! so I went with hand sanitizer, because why not. I spread the bills out on the back counter drenched them in hand sanitizer and wiped them down with a paper towel, as I was doing this, Jack (the owner) walked by
Jack-What are you doing?
Me-Washing money (like it was the most obvious thing in the world)
Jack-(looked at me, at the money and back at me )……oh…
He started to say something thought better of it and walked away. The hand sanitizer didn’t work, so I just figured out the parts of the bills that were sticky and put clear tape over them. Another signpost on my descent into senility.
SO001360

 

I Hate Me, part 297,881

While I’m at work I am the recipient of many pointless stories concerning items that customers are looking for. (example) “yeah, do you have the new Alice In Chains, my uncle Ed turned me onto them…he saw them…it was the tour with uh…uh…uh I think it was Galactic Cowboys ‘member them…yeah and Soundgarden was great too…ya know they’re still around…I almost went to see them…I heard the Alice in Chains…the new one is really heavy…is it?…” I usually don’t have anything to say and I don’t want to be rude so I’ll give a patient smile while not actually looking at them and try to find what they’re looking for, quickly. So last week I went for a coffee at Starbucks and one of the barista’s told me about a sale on their instant Via coffee. Which was cool because they know that I buy that for Carrie. They also had a sale on their Keurig K-Cup coffee. Now we used to have a Keurig coffee machine before they had Starbucks but we switched to a Tassimo coffee machine because they did. Until we got the Tassimo, then with Laurel & Hardy like timing Starbucks stopped making coffee for Tassimo and switched to Keurig. I boiled that info down to the last two sentences and they were boring, I don’t know what made me think that it would make an interesting story to tell the Barista but I did. Now in my head I thought that story sounded as interesting as this: “Well, you know when the Duke and Duchess come around for coffee we want it to be correct, I remember when we had the Kennedy clan over. All of them, if you can believe it. Of course this was years ago and all we had was a french press and it wasn’t even from France hahahaha. So Mick…Jagger, Mick said when we’re on tour we use a Keurig, we’re just too busy to measure coffee, and Michael Jordan blahblahblah..”, stupid and wildly inaccurate but interesting. In real life my fascinating coffee machine story was, “ We had a Keurig but… they didn’t make Starbucks for it…then we got a Tassimo ‘cause they did…and then they stopped making it..” As I was stammering out my pointless coffee machine story I saw the barista give me a patient smile. I stopped talking, grabbed my coffee, over tipped (for penance) and left.

they didn't make it, then they did make it

they didn’t make it, then they did make it

I Hate Me, part 311,910

My wife had stopped into work while she was walking the dog and she wanted to get an iced tea at Starbucks. Starbucks doesn’t allow pets so it’s either I go and get her a drink or I watch the dog. Watching the dog consists of me holding the pup while helping customers, it’s not terrible but I’m pretty self conscious about it
Me-Hi, do you need help finding anything?
Customer-(looking at sad dog in my arms) …Kenny Chesney
Me-(noticing customer looking at large man with sad dog in his arms)…yeah…I’m watching my dog while..my wife…I don’t usually walk around the store with uh…dog..in..my……Kenny Chesney was it?
When Lucy does sad it takes on a Dickensian quality. So I chose to go to Starbucks and get Carrie her iced tea. I go to Starbucks a lot and every now and then, they will give me my coffee for free, like a bar buying back a drink for a good customer. It’s nice but I always feel a little weird and I tend to way overtip almost the amount of the coffee I’m getting for free. So I went in and ordered Carrie her iced tea and a tall red eye for myself (hot coffee with a shot of espresso). The guy repeated back my order and then only charged me for the iced tea. Great, thanks a lot. So I went down to the end of the counter to wait with everyone else for their orders. Eventually the iced tea shows up and I waited for the red eye, and waited. Nothing, now I not sure what my play is here. I haven’t yet received a coffee that I wasn’t charged for. It’s kind of like “If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound?” except substitute free coffee for fallen tree or a fallen tree made of coffee. Anyhow, I asked if there was a red eye for me in the line up of coffees not yet made, was told no. So I weighed the options of going back to the end of the line and re-ordering it or complaining about the lack of a free coffee. I ended up leaving with just Carrie’s iced tea, I didn’t really need that fifth cup of coffee.
StarbucksLogo4by3

I Hate Me, part 331,659

I was at work it was early evening and kind of busy. There was a large herd of teenagers moping around the store.  A kid broke away from the herd,
“hey, where’s the bathroom?”
The sink wasn’t draining right, so we were telling people it was broken.
“sorry, it’s not working…Star Wars on the corner has one”
Did I just fucking say Star Wars instead of Starbucks, aaaaauuuugggghhhhh!
“Star Wars?”
“uh….yeah….that’s what uh…that’s what uh we call Starbucks….and they got a bathroom.”
The kid looked perplexed and left and I googled “dementia”.
starwars:bucks

I Hate Me, part 293,341

How long is the half life on embarrassment? I went in to Starbucks and ordered a tall red eye (translation: a small coffee with a shot of espresso added). I go in there a lot so they know my name which is fine but lately all the baristas have name tags and not printed out name tags, they look like tiny chalk boards with their names scrawled on them. They are pretty hard to read and I am terrible at names. And it’s creepy to stare at a name tag on someones chest, a person whose name I probably should know by now. So I’m a little uncomfortable with that. Anyhow, I make non-specific small talk and move to the end of the line and wait. I got a couple of what I thought were strange looks from the baristas which I chalked up to me being paranoid or my hair which has taken on decidedly mad scientist look when not properly combed (which is often). I got my coffee and was headed back to work. There’s a guy who sits out in front of Starbucks and solicits money for various causes, he’s a nice enough guy and when I have a little extra cash I’ll give a donation and we’ll exchange pleasantries.
Guy- Hey..uh you got something…your..uh your nose, man..take care of it.
Me- (aaugh!) hehheh… thanks…yeah a bat in the batcave…uuhhhhh….
I pulled out a tissue and went over to a nearby abandoned storefront to see what kind of horror was sticking out of my nose…and Oh My God, it looked like a nose version of the chestburster from the movie Alien. I had this fucking monstrosity sticking out of my nose the entire time I was in Starbucks, I’m figuring at least a week before I can go back.

Think of this slightly smaller and coming out of my nose

Think of this slightly smaller and coming out of my nose

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