Posts Tagged ‘ record store ’

I Like Records 11

A young guy comes in a lot and asks for 80’s metal, mostly 80’s lite-metal that we usually don’t carry, “Do You have Extreme-Ponograffitti?” “No, I’m sorry all we have is a best of Extreme, do you want me to see if I can order it?” “Nah,…you really don’t have it? That was a big record” Not in this century it wasn’t. He was also bitterly disappointed when we didn’t have Angel or Giuffria, or The Bulletboys, Firehouse, Kix, Bang Tango, Impelliterri, or Blue Murder. It’s like a murderers row of shitty music. He didn’t want to try and order any of those either, he just seemed content to be disappointed . What he doesn’t understand is that even if any of  those CD’s are in print (which is a long shot for most of them), they will never ever come into the store unless they’re special ordered . He should save his goddamned money and buy a time machine instead.

I Like records 10


Frank Sinatra the horse

Frank Sinatra the horse

I’m a Douche Bag to Customers
1) As a feeble excuse, it was first thing in the morning and I was hung over. (phone call) ” Yes, do you have Frank Sinatra-The Man?” “No, we just have Frank Sinatra the horse.” “…oh…(click)”
2) As another feeble excuse, this guy was a dick. “I’m looking for quiet jazz, do you have any quiet jazz. I’m looking for some quiet jazz to work with.” “That’s pretty vague, what do you mean.” “Something quiet but jazzy, something that would fit in an operating room, ya know.” “Well I guess you don’t something too quiet, it is an operating room and…uh…”  I’m met with an unsmiling stone face but I try to continue albeit in a stammering, flop sweat manner.  “….uh…you don’t ….want something… that know…uh you…might fall asleep to.” “How about Kenny G.?” “How about that Kenny G.?”  He  leaves without buying anything.

I like Records 9

Frownie McGhee

I originally knew this guy as “the asshole blues guy”, he would ask for really obscure, new blues stuff that were on tiny, badly distributed labels. “yeah, Simple Simon and the Blues Witchdoctors have a new CD out on Mudpie Records and I don’t see it out there. Ya know they were listed in Blueswize Magazines top 600 up and coming blues acts 3 years in a row. I can’t believe you’re not carrying it.” I always look up his stuff and explain that a lot, if not everything he was looking for was pretty much impossible to get and his best bet would be getting it on line. “So you guys don’t want my business, is that how I’m reading it.” He has one of those faces you just want to punch. It’s shaped like a guitar pick and is so pinched and frowny it‘s like frowning is his business and business is good. So here I am thinking that this guy is just a one dimensional asshole, then one day he came in with a flier for his shitty blues combo and asks to put it up. Unlike every other record store on the planet my boss doesn’t like fliers in the store. We don’t have a bulletin board, and he even balks when employees put up fliers for their own shows. We’ve been open for thirty years and it’s a known fact, no fliers. So Frownie McGhee (as he was renamed) is trying to be friendly so he can put up a flier and it’s killing him, his face wasn’t made for anything but a frown. He hands me a flier and there’s no info on it, just his stupid face, band name and the name of the bar he’s playing. There’s no date, no time and no location of the bar. I nicely explain that my boss doesn’t let people put up fliers. I let him know I think it’s a shitty policy and tell him of a few places in town where he can put them up. “yeah, but I’m a good customer.” “Everybody’s a good customer, I just explained why I can’t do it.” “I’ll just leave it here then.” He notices that there’s no info on the flier, he grabs it back and scrawls some info on it with a sharpie. It’s completely unreadable and it looks like shit. He puts it back on the counter and again “So, I’ll just leave it here then” “No man, you should take it with you.” “See if you can put it up, I’m a good customer.” “ok” We both know I’m gonna throw it out as soon as he leaves. Two weeks later it was the same deal “ Do you have the new one by Professor Crabapples Blues Strutters. Oh yeah, I didn’t see the flier up so I brought you another one.” Cue hemlock and fade to black.

I Like records 8

A woman came in looking for a fairly recent Disney movie, Snowbuddies. I went to the Disney section where her son was pawing thru the DVD’s. This kid was a giant with definite emotional problems and he was completely in the way and wrecking the joint. “Phillip! Get out of the man’s way …Phillip!” she physically dragged him away which was no mean feat. This kid was hulking and had what is unfortunately known as “retard strength”, superhuman strength unencumbered by rational thought. “He’s just really excited.” She offered as an explanation. Phillip kept pushing his mom and me out of the way to get to the movies, “Snowbuddies! Snowbuddies!” “Phillip! The man is looking, Get…Out…Of…The way!” “Snowbuddies!” I found the movie Snowdogs and just said the word “Snow” before Phillip grabbed it out of my hand, “Snowbuddies! Snowbuddies!” “No Phillip! No!…The man was wrong, the man was wrong, Phillip are you sure that’s the title?” Phillips level of franticness went off the charts and he was knocking DVD’s all over the place, it was a mess. His mom had pretty much given up trying to restrain him, she was used to this drill and was way passed embarrassed. She was resigned to it and just kept saying “phillipstop…phillipstop…phillipstop.” Eureka, I found Snowbuddies, “Here you go, Snowbuddies” I handed the DVD to Phillip and he pushed it back, “NO!…NO!” “Phillip honey, it’s Snowbuddies…Snowbudies, what you were looking for.” “NO!…NOOOO!” As Phillip was pushing it to me, I was instinctively pushing it back to him, “Look man, It’s Snowbuddies, Snowbuddies, the movie you wanted.” “NOOOO!!” He grabbed my hand with the DVD in it and pulled it  across his face, more specifically his nose. I felt moisture on my arm and realized he’d just wiped his nose on it. Aauurghh! I yanked my arm away handed the DVD to his mom, went to the back to disinfect and hide until they left.

I like Records 7

The Crazy Country Tape Ladies

I haven’t seen these two in quite awhile, two middle aged women who appeared to be addled. They always wore pink rain jackets and puffy pink sweat pants. They used to come in once a month usually at night, right before closing time. They were  friendly but really dumb or heavily medicated maybe a little of both. Our cassette section was pretty small and we didn’t have a ton of country tapes but that’s what they asked for. One of them had a notebook which they would refer to and while they got the artist right they never ever got the song title correct. I think they just took bits of the lyric and went with that. “Do you have Aaron Tippin “Baby, please don’t go and leave me home again tonight””” We would always be nice…at first. Like I said the song titles were always wrong and when a title came up that was very close, “We have Aaron Tippin “Don’t leave me”” they would never buy it. There would be a lot of hemmin’ and hawin’ and then they’d say no. They would go through the same titles every time they came in and very rarely bought anything. We tried to avoid them like the plague but it would be like musical chairs, whoever didn’t get one of the good hiding spots got stuck with them. What little patience we had was quickly used up pretty quickly. It would be “Do you Kathy Mattea-“I Love the way that you love me at Christmas” and just as the last word left her mouth, “No, we don’t and we’re closing now.”  I miss them but only as a story telling device.

I Like Records 6





Al Hitler
Middle aged guy, he’s a regular, looks like a scrawny version of Johnny Ramone and usually asks for oldies. Today it was Vaughn Monroe and Al Hitler. “I’m looking for Unchained Melody by Al Hitler.” “Are you sure it’s Al Hitler? ‘cause there’s a guy named Al Hibbler who had a hit with Unchained Melody.” “No, no I’m sure it’s Hitler. That’s what the guy on the radio said.” “Yeah, but Al Hibbler did the same song that you say Al Hitler did, and there’s no listing for Hitler.” “I’m sure it’s Hitler, whenever they play that song I listen real slow and the D.J. always says Hitler.” “Look man, I don’t know any performer who calls themselves Hitler, you know the war and everything.” “mmmmm…I still think it’s Hitler.” “Well we’re fresh out of Hitler, sorry.” “well, you say a guy named Hibbler did it? Maybe that’ll be o.k.” aaauughh!

I Like Records 5

Wheelchair Guy
I got a call from somebody selling records, “Yeah, I got 10, no 12, no no 20 crates of records. All good stuff, well not all great but some great, pretty great, yeah great. Do you want ‘em, do you wanna check ‘em out?”
“Sure bring them down, I’ll look at them.” Now about half the time these people don’t come down to the store, I was guessing this was one of them. It was not.
About an hour later while I was outside talking to my wife on the phone this old, smallish, crazy looking crippled guy whizzed by on a motorized wheelchair. I told Carrie I was glad he wasn’t going into Jacks. About ten minutes later, the guy whizzes into the store and asks for me. “yeah, I called about the records.” I don’t see 20 crates of records, I don’t see any records. All I see is a crazy nightmare in a wheelchair. “Alright there young rocker, where are these records you called about. Are they in a van or something?” “Look in the bag behind my seat. “O.K. what am I looking for.” “You’ll see it.” I don’t see anything except a couple of raggedy LP’s , a Moody Blues, Meatloaf, and Jimi Hendrix-Smash Hits. “These beat up records? I thought you had 12 crates” “You see that Hendrix, I bet you never seen that.”  “Yeah, I see it kind of a lot and it’s usually in better shape.” “That record? That Hendrix record? You never seen that one, that’s worth, umm… five thousand dollars.”  I look closer at it, just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. It was scratchy and the cover was split. “Yeah, it’s not worth five grand.” “I want four thousand dollars for it, it’s worth five thousand.” “I’ll give you a dollar for it.” “I’ll take two thousand dollars.” “Look man, I’m wanted back on planet earth so good luck with the Hendrix record.” The “I’m wanted back on planet earth” line is from Annie Hall and I try to work it into any applicable situations. Wheelchair guy stayed by the front counter and kept saying to anyone who would listen, “They offered me a buck for a five thousand dollar record, FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.” It was a dicey situation. I didn’t want to throw a crazy wheelchair guy out of the store but the customers were giving him a wide berth and he was completely in the way. I had to do something, I was hoping he would vanish or explode or go elsewhere, anywhere as long as it was far, far away. As I was hiding in the back being gutless, he bought a copy of John Lennon’s Walls and Bridges on CD, “You never see this anywhere.” And he was off.

I Like Records 4

humble1Steely Don
Steely Don is a lanky middle aged rock guy with long hair and a serious mustache. We first became aware of him when we caught him on our security camera playing insane air guitar to another guy looking at records. It was great, a lot of leaping and crouching were involved. The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes and we replayed it a lot for a few weeks. It was one of the high points of working there. A few weeks after that he came in looking for a CD and announced, “The year, 1973…The band, Humble Pie…The album, Thunder Box. It didn’t have any hits on it but it real good songs. Do you have it? ‘cause even the Japanese haven’t put it out yet on CD.” “No, sorry man it’s not even listed.” And with barely a whisper, “yeah…I know.”

I Like Records 3

Matt and I were just hanging out at the back counter one morning shooting the shit when Danny came up. One of Danny’s superpowers is the power of interruption. He’ll interrupt anybody at anytime for anything. He doesn’t really have conversations, he just makes statements. “I did something last night I never did before.” The responses could have been endless but I settled on “Did you have sex with a goat?” “I went to Go and bought a domain name for the internet, and I’m gonna auction it off.” Seconds tick off and neither Matt nor I wanted to ask what the name was and we went back to talking.  Danny got fidgety and, “Eat My Jello.”   “Eat My Jello?, why the hell would you pick that?” “It’s a cool thing, ya know…Eat My Jello. You could use it for anything.” “I guess, it’s kind of dumb though.” “You could use it for anything, Eat..My..Jello.” A few hours later Danny steams up to the back counter, looks me in the eye and says “Sexy Midget” and another domain name is born.

I Like Records 2

I Hate Hippies
Mark is a middle aged hippie who embodies none of the original hippie ethic except liking shitty music and looking homeless. He’s like a hippie robot programmed by Fox News and he has a sense of entitlement that would choke a horse (if horses ate such things). He spouts off in a laconic folksy way, which is usually offensive and always annoying. “Ya know man, most of the Mexicans are criminals. I’m all for sending them back, ya know.” “It’s no secret ya know that jews control everything ya know. Who do you think controls all the money? Jews.” He’s some kind of lawncare guy and comes in on rainy days, rarely buys anything and complains about our prices. “yeah, I was looking for the new Bob CD, I know you guys don’t got it. He’s just selling it online, Bob’s selling it himself ya know ‘cause stores take too much money and Bob got ripped off man.” The “Bob” in question is Bob Weir of the Grateful Dead, Mark’s on a first name basis with all the artists he likes; Dave (Matthews), Gregg (Allman), and Derek (Trucks). He also won’t suffer sub par stereo equipment, “yeah, I won’t listen to shit ya know, I got MacIntosh Amps and a Cambridge CD player.” “Why listen to shit, man? Ya know my ears are tuned, tuned man. I can tell a shitty stereo just by listening.” He’s a gift that just keeps giving.


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