Posts Tagged ‘ coffee shop ’

I Hate Me, part 415,015

I went to Starbucks and there was this giant biker in front of me.
The girl behind the counter was a new employee.
Biker- I wanna plain ice tea
Girl-Do you want sweetener?
The way she said “sweetener” sounded like “Swedener”, perhaps an additive to make the drink more Sweden like.
Biker-Wut?!
Girl-Do you want SWEDENER?
Biker-…Huh?..What are you asking me?
Girl-…Do YOU want any SWEDENER in your ice tea?
Biker-…I have no idea what your asking me…Swede what?
Girl-…Sugar…do you want any sugar in your ice tea?
Biker-No…No I said plain.
I was listening but looking off into space so it looked like I was oblivious and not paying attention. (although to be honest it often looks like I’m oblivious) What I should have been doing was staring intently at my phone. I thought of this just as the biker looked over at me, I couldn’t read his look. It was either “these people are idiots, am I right?” or “are you fucking looking/laughing at me?” This is when I started to look at my phone in a completely fake “I’m not getting a call, I’m avoiding life” type of way. Before this could go any further (ie: me acknowledging his look) his iced tea was delivered, I then ordered my iced coffee with swedener.
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I Hate Me, part 428,414

I snuck out from work for a quick cup of coffee. I was tired and the cup of coffee I just had didn’t take as well as I had hoped. The Starbucks in town is pretty narrow and as I got there two mothers with double wide strollers were doing impromptu dance moves trying to get out of each other’s way with little success. Such little success that I went out the front door and walked around the building to the back entrance as it was slightly quicker than waiting for the dance recital to end. When I got on the line it wasn’t too bad. The kid in front of me, a slack jaw with an attempted beard was on a coffee run and had a list. Not really a list but many tiny scribbled pieces of paper with orders on them.
Can I get a large americano.”
” is that all?”
“Uh no…(fumbling in his pocket and he pulls out a note) I need a vanilla latte, big”
“Is that all?”
“…oh. Uh….(fumbling again for another note) another vanilla latte, with a shot of expresso
This went on for two more additions to his order. His pockets were like a clown car of annoyance and I was frozen, both angry and amused. The coffee gods were not smiling on me. Finally the kid finished and it was my turn. I gave the barista a “what the fuck was that?” look and he gave me an “I know, right” look back. So I ordered my coffee and went to pay for it with the Starbucks app on my phone (it’s easier!) but I didn’t have enough money on it. So then I went to pay with cash and I didn’t have enough on me. I finally paid with a credit card but not before realizing I had become “that unprepared asshole” to the customer behind me, much like that kid had been to me. And a life lesson was wasted on me as I was just as peeved at the guy behind me for being what I assumed to be slightly irked. If he wasn’t he should have been, God Knows I would have.

another way to fail

another way to fail

I Hate Me, part 297,881

While I’m at work I am the recipient of many pointless stories concerning items that customers are looking for. (example) “yeah, do you have the new Alice In Chains, my uncle Ed turned me onto them…he saw them…it was the tour with uh…uh…uh I think it was Galactic Cowboys ‘member them…yeah and Soundgarden was great too…ya know they’re still around…I almost went to see them…I heard the Alice in Chains…the new one is really heavy…is it?…” I usually don’t have anything to say and I don’t want to be rude so I’ll give a patient smile while not actually looking at them and try to find what they’re looking for, quickly. So last week I went for a coffee at Starbucks and one of the barista’s told me about a sale on their instant Via coffee. Which was cool because they know that I buy that for Carrie. They also had a sale on their Keurig K-Cup coffee. Now we used to have a Keurig coffee machine before they had Starbucks but we switched to a Tassimo coffee machine because they did. Until we got the Tassimo, then with Laurel & Hardy like timing Starbucks stopped making coffee for Tassimo and switched to Keurig. I boiled that info down to the last two sentences and they were boring, I don’t know what made me think that it would make an interesting story to tell the Barista but I did. Now in my head I thought that story sounded as interesting as this: “Well, you know when the Duke and Duchess come around for coffee we want it to be correct, I remember when we had the Kennedy clan over. All of them, if you can believe it. Of course this was years ago and all we had was a french press and it wasn’t even from France hahahaha. So Mick…Jagger, Mick said when we’re on tour we use a Keurig, we’re just too busy to measure coffee, and Michael Jordan blahblahblah..”, stupid and wildly inaccurate but interesting. In real life my fascinating coffee machine story was, “ We had a Keurig but… they didn’t make Starbucks for it…then we got a Tassimo ‘cause they did…and then they stopped making it..” As I was stammering out my pointless coffee machine story I saw the barista give me a patient smile. I stopped talking, grabbed my coffee, over tipped (for penance) and left.

they didn't make it, then they did make it

they didn’t make it, then they did make it

I Hate Me, part 311,910

My wife had stopped into work while she was walking the dog and she wanted to get an iced tea at Starbucks. Starbucks doesn’t allow pets so it’s either I go and get her a drink or I watch the dog. Watching the dog consists of me holding the pup while helping customers, it’s not terrible but I’m pretty self conscious about it
Me-Hi, do you need help finding anything?
Customer-(looking at sad dog in my arms) …Kenny Chesney
Me-(noticing customer looking at large man with sad dog in his arms)…yeah…I’m watching my dog while..my wife…I don’t usually walk around the store with uh…dog..in..my……Kenny Chesney was it?
When Lucy does sad it takes on a Dickensian quality. So I chose to go to Starbucks and get Carrie her iced tea. I go to Starbucks a lot and every now and then, they will give me my coffee for free, like a bar buying back a drink for a good customer. It’s nice but I always feel a little weird and I tend to way overtip almost the amount of the coffee I’m getting for free. So I went in and ordered Carrie her iced tea and a tall red eye for myself (hot coffee with a shot of espresso). The guy repeated back my order and then only charged me for the iced tea. Great, thanks a lot. So I went down to the end of the counter to wait with everyone else for their orders. Eventually the iced tea shows up and I waited for the red eye, and waited. Nothing, now I not sure what my play is here. I haven’t yet received a coffee that I wasn’t charged for. It’s kind of like “If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound?” except substitute free coffee for fallen tree or a fallen tree made of coffee. Anyhow, I asked if there was a red eye for me in the line up of coffees not yet made, was told no. So I weighed the options of going back to the end of the line and re-ordering it or complaining about the lack of a free coffee. I ended up leaving with just Carrie’s iced tea, I didn’t really need that fifth cup of coffee.
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I Hate Me, part 293,341

How long is the half life on embarrassment? I went in to Starbucks and ordered a tall red eye (translation: a small coffee with a shot of espresso added). I go in there a lot so they know my name which is fine but lately all the baristas have name tags and not printed out name tags, they look like tiny chalk boards with their names scrawled on them. They are pretty hard to read and I am terrible at names. And it’s creepy to stare at a name tag on someones chest, a person whose name I probably should know by now. So I’m a little uncomfortable with that. Anyhow, I make non-specific small talk and move to the end of the line and wait. I got a couple of what I thought were strange looks from the baristas which I chalked up to me being paranoid or my hair which has taken on decidedly mad scientist look when not properly combed (which is often). I got my coffee and was headed back to work. There’s a guy who sits out in front of Starbucks and solicits money for various causes, he’s a nice enough guy and when I have a little extra cash I’ll give a donation and we’ll exchange pleasantries.
Guy- Hey..uh you got something…your..uh your nose, man..take care of it.
Me- (aaugh!) hehheh… thanks…yeah a bat in the batcave…uuhhhhh….
I pulled out a tissue and went over to a nearby abandoned storefront to see what kind of horror was sticking out of my nose…and Oh My God, it looked like a nose version of the chestburster from the movie Alien. I had this fucking monstrosity sticking out of my nose the entire time I was in Starbucks, I’m figuring at least a week before I can go back.

Think of this slightly smaller and coming out of my nose

Think of this slightly smaller and coming out of my nose

I Hate Me, part 106,551

I was late for work and ran into Starbucks for a coffee, it was a short but terrible line:
“What kind of vanilla syrup do you use?”, “How large is the tall, REALLY?”, “Do you know how many Starbucks are in Howell? I’m from there.” And one of the registers was out of commission, there was a person crouched on the floor behind the counter working on it. When it was my turn at bat the barista apologized for the delay, I cracked “You guys must be really short handed today, you have children working” indicating the guy behind the counter working on the register. It was an innocuous comment, just light small talk. There was nervous laughter from the barista and then the guy working on the register got up, glaring, and he was really short, not midget (or “little person”) sized but well under five feet tall. I’m sure he must have heard “child sized” all his adult life and now from a giant goon like myself. I stared at the ground, muttered some unintelligible bullshit, grabbed my coffee and over tipped.
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I Hate Me, Part 264,002

I went into Starbucks a couple of days ago. It was cold, I was creaky and miserable*. As I was slouching towards the counter a woman jumped in front of me and brandished her smart phone towards the barista
Woman: Scan this, I get a free drink, I want a Trenta green tea…iced.
She was holding her phone rather shakily and the barista had problems scanning her phone coupon. It was like they were doing a secret handshake.
Barista: I’m sorry, it’s not coming up for a free drink.
Woman: Hmmm…Try it again…I don’t care, I’ll pay but scan it again.
And again there was the shaky hand jive while the phone coupon was scanned. I was dying, I really needed a coffee (tall dark roast, red eye). I just stared off into space while slowly losing the will to live
Barista: No, I’m sorry a free coffee didn’t come up.
Woman: (heavy sigh) Oh well…I’ll take the tea anyway…and these bananas, do you have any others…these are kind of …googy
As she said the last part, she looked over to me with an eye roll, trying to get some customer solidarity. I wanted no part of it, what I wanted was a goddamned coffee.The bananas looked fine, if they’re not visibly rotting and covered in fruit flies then there’s no reason to complain. And what the fuck does “googy”** mean? The barista brought out another two bananas that looked just like the four that where already there.
Woman: Oh yes, these are much better…those were terrible.
I finally got my coffee, and it was the best coffee ever. (Note: I know that ending was kind of weak but that’s how it happened)

* “Creaky and Miserable” is also the name of my Black Flag cover band

**She might have meant “Arthur Googy” ex Misfits drummer, who actually looked more like a plantain than a banana

also selling "googy" bananas

also selling “googy” bananas

 

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