Notes from Das Boot 201

6/8/14 Gelsenkirchen, Germany / Rock Hard Festival

Rock Hard is A) a German hard rock magazine B) a German hard rock festival and C) a German attempt at double entendre humor. Long day, no internet and shitty catering. A lot of bands were using triggered drums that sounded like frantic typing or somebody sending out an S.O.S. (Save Our Sound). Smallish amphitheater reminded me of Spinal Tap’s Jazz Odyssey show (“Derek Smalls, he wrote this!”). Good crowd, a sea of black shirts with indecipherable band names written in fonts that haven’t been invented yet (Cthulu Sans Serif and Demonic Condensed). Was lucky enough to see Blues Pills play, they sounded like a heavy Shocking Blue. On a completely different note, just found out my beloved NY Mets got swept by the lowly Chicago Cubs.

Notes from Das boot 200

Sweden Rock, Solvesborg

After a long first day which was spent waiting at Copenhagen airport for missing gear. We arrived at Sweden Rock which is a weird cross section of heavy rock. We are on the same stage today as Foghat and Ted Nugent. Volbeat is headlining the main stage. It is 11am here and I can hear sound checks from three different stages, it sounds like three radios stuck on three shitty heavy rock stations from the eighties. The crew here is really nice though, the coffee is strong and the internet connection is surprisingly good. Also I’m a lighting guy whose band is on at noon, if we don’t get a solar eclipse my job should be fairly easy.

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Any questions about King Diamond or Mercyful Fate? You’ve come to the right place

More trouble for Led Zeppelin

By G.T. Seaver, The A&P press

The rock band Led Zeppelin has been in the news of late. With the start of a massive reissue series of their back catalog and legal problems stemming from a song writing dispute concerning their song “stairway to heaven” (a heavy staple of classic rock radio). Now more problems seem to be on the horizon for the still popular rock band as professor John Milner a musicologist at Norton University has made a shocking claim. “It appears that the band Led Zeppelin wrote none of their own songs, they are all stolen from other bands, individuals or in a small number of cases very intelligent pets”. Professor Milner goes on to say “The only song we think they might have written themselves was Hot Dog from the album In Through The Out Door”. A comprehensive list of all of Led Zeppelin’s songs and the artists that professor Milner claims to have written them will be forth coming. There has been no response from any Led Zeppelin representatives.

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I Hate Me, part, 422,916

I’m at work. Middle aged drunk guy sails over to the used LP section, The music that’s playing is the latest Daft Punk CD.
Guy- ugggghhhhhh! I’ve heard this a million times.
Me-Well, everyone who works here gets a turn to play what they want.
Guy- Yeah, it’s great but c’mon……hey you guys got good vinyls here.
Me-mmmmmm(thru gritted teeth)
Guy-whaddya know about this John Fogerty vinyl (holds up a copy of John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band-Tough All Over)
Me-Yeah, that’s not John Fogerty, it’s John Cafferty. he was an 80’s Springsteen knock-off.
Guy-Oh..Cause I never heard any of his stuff after Creedence, maybe I’ll check it out.
Me-That’s not the guy from Creedence, his name is FOGERTY, not CAFFERTY
Guy-…yeeeaaaah, I don’t know……………
Me- ……….Yeah, you should definitely get it, its his best album.
He did.

John Fogerty's greatest album

John Fogerty’s greatest album

I Hate Me, part 419,001

I was on my way to band practice and I stopped at 7-11 for a coffee and bottle of water. Got my stuff and headed to the counter, there was one person in front of me. The clerk was scratching her arms as she was ringing up the woman in front of me. It seemed like a lot of scratching but who am I to judge. After she rang me up (still scratching) and gave me my change, she turned to the other clerk pointed to one of her arms and said “ewww, look at this. I know I got somethin’, ewwww.” Ewwww is right, after I got outside I threw out my change and washed my hands with the bottle of water.
7-11

I Hate Me, part 428,414

I snuck out from work for a quick cup of coffee. I was tired and the cup of coffee I just had didn’t take as well as I had hoped. The Starbucks in town is pretty narrow and as I got there two mothers with double wide strollers were doing impromptu dance moves trying to get out of each other’s way with little success. Such little success that I went out the front door and walked around the building to the back entrance as it was slightly quicker than waiting for the dance recital to end. When I got on the line it wasn’t too bad. The kid in front of me, a slack jaw with an attempted beard was on a coffee run and had a list. Not really a list but many tiny scribbled pieces of paper with orders on them.
Can I get a large americano.”
” is that all?”
“Uh no…(fumbling in his pocket and he pulls out a note) I need a vanilla latte, big”
“Is that all?”
“…oh. Uh….(fumbling again for another note) another vanilla latte, with a shot of expresso
This went on for two more additions to his order. His pockets were like a clown car of annoyance and I was frozen, both angry and amused. The coffee gods were not smiling on me. Finally the kid finished and it was my turn. I gave the barista a “what the fuck was that?” look and he gave me an “I know, right” look back. So I ordered my coffee and went to pay for it with the Starbucks app on my phone (it’s easier!) but I didn’t have enough money on it. So then I went to pay with cash and I didn’t have enough on me. I finally paid with a credit card but not before realizing I had become “that unprepared asshole” to the customer behind me, much like that kid had been to me. And a life lesson was wasted on me as I was just as peeved at the guy behind me for being what I assumed to be slightly irked. If he wasn’t he should have been, God Knows I would have.

another way to fail

another way to fail

I Hate Me, Part 476,111

 

My band opened up for garage rock forefathers The Standells (“Dirty Water”) a couple of weeks ago. Now my stage banter could charitably be described as understated. I always think that it’s at least 20 minutes between songs ( it isn’t but it feels that way to me) and how many times can you say “thanks for coming out”, “tip your bartender”, “we have merch“. Jon will kick in some banter but between us it sounds like neurosis on parade. Anyhow, as part of my banter I was going to read the poem that Herman Munster read in the episode of The Munsters that The Standells were in. Quality stuff and it would have taken up about a minute, a minute where I wouldn’t have to come up with my own material. So day of the show, I thought “man, I hope I don’t call these guys the fuckin’ Sonics. That would suck” and it stuck in my head. So after the third song of our set, “hey thanks for coming out tonight, we have a few more songs and then The Sonics” I didn’t realize what I said until I looked over at Jon and he gave me a “what the fuck” look. Aaaaauuuuurrrrgggghhhhh!!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUCKKK! I did an imaginary loosening of a too tight tie and tried to explain it away saying that the odd acoustics of the room made it sound like I said Sonics when in fact I said Standells. I’m pretty sure nobody bought it. I never did my Herman Munster poem either.

a weeping H. Munster when he found out I didn't read his poem

a weeping H. Munster when he found out I didn’t read his poem

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