[This is a reprint from last year when Ike Davis had a terrible start to his year, much like the start he's having this year]
A&P Press 6/11/12
by Eddie Yost
The New York Mets are vigorously denying reports concerning a grisly solution to first baseman Ike Davis’s hitting woes. Davis, in his third year was once one of the bright spots in the Mets organization but health issues and an anemic batting average (.167) are troubling.
The shocking rumors state that a ritualistic sacrifice of ex-Met hero and current SNY television announcer Keith Hernandez was considered. Furthermore, Hernandez’s skin was to be fashioned into an unholy uniform for Davis to wear. The hopes being that this would appease the fickle baseball Gods and turn Davis’s season around.
An anonymous source close to the situation said in part, “Yeah, they (the Mets) talked to Hernandez’s people about the sacrifice thing…you know make a big deal out of it, giant stone alter in center field, fire works.. a real event. Of course his (Hernandez’s) people were not into it, at all. Frankly they were appalled..bad scene…believe me, the Metsie’s are gonna need to mend a lot of fences there. But Christ, they gotta do something. Management would be happy if Davis was hitting as good as (Ed) Kranepool or even Tim Harkness.”
After my nose debacle a few weeks ago I Hate Me, part 293,341 (aka: Sometimes Satan is Green), I have been trying to keep better track of horrifying things lodged on my face (besides the actual face itself) with varying degrees of success. A few days ago I went for a cup of coffee after lunch. I had a salad and I usually brush my teeth after but both bathrooms were being used so I just ran out. I got kind of spooked about having a large piece of lettuce in my teeth. So I looked in the bank next door’s window, it’s reflective qualities were weak. Then it hit me, I’ll take a picture of my teeth with my phone* and look at it to see if there’s any salad hanging around. I don’t have a smartphone. My phone would be cutting edge for 1995, it looks like an old communicator on Star Trek and I think the camera is half a pixel. So I was standing in front of the bank with my teeth bared, taking an extreme closeup of my teeth with my crummy phone. I looked up and there was an old couple staring at me. I looked at the picture of my teeth, found out that there was no salad stuck in them and smiled at the couple. They didn’t say anything, which of course made me uncomfortable and I wanted to explain that I wasn’t a crazy person. Unfortunately my explanations usually don’t help my case, “I uh…thought I had uh…something…salad…salad…some..a piece of salad…lettuce…some lettuce stuck in my teeth and there wasn’t any mirrors…or uh shiny glass to check…uh check my teeth..so…so I took a picture of them…my teeth..and uh…salad free teeth”. They didn’t say anything, and moved away quickly and I got my coffee, confidently with my salad free teeth.
*Yes, I know that phone self-portraits are referred to as “selfies”, which is a word that nobody my age should be saying.
I got a great gift a few days ago, Ditko Monsters, GORGO! (IDW publishing). The movie Gorgo (1961) was a Godzilla knock-off and bargin basement comic book publisher Charlton did a comic based on it. Steve Ditko (Spiderman) did the art and It’s some of my favorite work by him . The thing that stands out for me is that Gorgo and it’s mother only terrorize mankind when their sleep gets disturbed. That’s it, just sleep and who can’t empathize with that.
I was driving my wife to work. She had this nice outfit on; black and white striped skirt. black top and jacket. She set it off with a thin red belt. Being a record collecting mutant, the belt reminded me of the Gary Numan album Telekon. Being an idiot I blurted out, “Wow, you look like Gary Numan”. Now as far as I know no woman would ever strive to look like Gary Numan.
“What?…You think I look like Gary Numan?”
“nonono…there’s uh …Gary Numan album called uh….I forgot what it’s called…but he’s wearing some kind of black unitard with uh….a bunch of tiny red belts on it…like uh some futuristic uniform…”
“…….So you find Gary Numan attractive?”
“Nonono…it’s just the belt…you don’t look like Gary Numan…it’s the belt……..thebelt..Garynumanbelt……”
“………….I think it’s supposed to get up to 70 today”