I was walking through the municipal parking lot behind the store and I saw somebody I knew, we had a conversation that was conducted about 25 feet from each other. He wanted to lend me a record he just bought which he thought I would like. I didn’t want to borrow it because I’m not a particularly good borrower:
Me-NO THANKS…I’M NOT A GOOD BORROWER!
ME- I’M A SHIT BORROWER!
Me-SHIT BORROWER…I’M A SHIT BORROWER…DON’T LEND ME ANYTHING!
As I yelled “Shit Borrower” I noticed there was a woman putting packages in her car who was glaring at me. I’m now sure it was because I was cursing loudly in the parking lot. Being a mental patient I thought that she thought I literally borrowed shit from people. It was only a fleeting thought but it was enough where I thought I should (over) explain myself.
Me- No..I meant that I’m not good at borrowing things…not the other thing…the other way…that it could be taken…
I got one last well earned glare and she drove off and I slunk back to work
I’ve been busy and lazy, a shit combination for somebody who says he likes to write…Some notes from over the Christmas holidays at work:
Older guy who comes in, a bit off, likes old nudist movies, it’s almost wholesome at this point. He bought a Playboy dvd a few years ago and it freaked him out.
Guy-Do you have any other nudist movies?
Me- No man, I think you got all we could get in
Guy-………..so can you get any others?
Me-I’d need a title, we don’t have a breakdown of nudist movies on our computer that we can order.
Silence and he’s not leaving, it’s getting (more) uncomfortable
Me-……yeah…..I’d need a title….to order
Guy-……….mmmmmmmm………happy nude year?
Me-Diiid you just make that title up?
I looked up the title, no go.
Me- not listed, sorry
I went into the back until he left
Crazy drunk guy ordered 2 copies of Dr. Buzzard’s Original Savannah Band. Was really psyched when they came in and started to make a bit of a commotion, it was about 11am
Guy-Alright I got my two and I need two more! They make great fucking gifts! So then I’ll have four, right!?
Me- yeah, ok two more, we’ll give you a call.
Guy-And then I need six more
Me-Ok, so you want eight more all together.
Guy-No! I want six more pluuuuuss the two I ordered.
Me-the two you ordered last week and just picked up or the two you just ordered thirty seconds ago?
Me-OK, try and follow me here, you ordered two last week and picked them up today
Me- then you ordered two more, about a minute ago
Me- then you just ordered six more after that
Me-So that’s eight (I held up 8 fingers) more you’re ordering all together?
A week later we get his order in and he comes in to pick them up. He comes to the back counter to complain
Guy- Did I order eight of these?
Me-Yeah.. you bought two then ordered two more then ordered six more right after that. You said they make gifts
Guy-They do…I must have been drunk but they do make great gifts.
Really busy at work and the only thing I came up with in the last week was….wait for it…Slawtopsy a reality show where forensic chef’s breakdown cole slaw from famous restaurants and find out what ingredients went into. I’m sure it’ll be endlessly fascinating to cooks, coleslaw connoisseur’s and slow witted people. Your move A&E.
Had to go to Foodtown this morning. It should have been quick, a surgical strike but with me being me and Foodtown being Foodtown it went south. I got the stuff I needed and headed to the ten items or less checkout. There was one person ahead of me and she had one bottle of juice and she worked at the store, it was almost like there was no people in front of me but..
Cashier- that’ll be $2.99
Woman- wait I have my savings card, it’s on sale..
The woman started to fumble through a gigantic but seemingly well organized wallet that was packed with nothing but savings cards from various stores.
Woman-..it’s in here somewhere…mmmmm…
She found the card but couldn’t get it out of the wallet, it was stuck. She started wrestling with the wallet, knocking other cards out of it. I was running late so I was weighing the funny/annoying ratio, funny was winning for now.
Cashier-…are those all savings cards?
Woman-oh yeah…they really come in handy…I don’t have any credit cards
They start to have a discussion on the pros and cons of credit cards. Now I’m behind this woman but somewhat hidden by a giant lottery ticket vending machine, so I’m thinking that the cashier doesn’t think there’s anybody else in line and she doesn’t have to move things along. So I stepped to my left so she could see that yes there is a line. Unfortunately, I stepped right in the way of an old man with a full cart, he completely nailed me and I dropped my stuff. Everybody stopped and looked at me as I was picking up my stuff.
Old Man..sorry buddy but you should watch where your walking.
The funny/annoying ratio tipped substantially into the annoying side.
The woman finally got her savings card out and was disappointed that her juice wasn’t on sale and another smaller discussion ensued. Months later I got out, humbled and then some.