Waterbedding

torture?

torture?

A new report claims that C.I.A. interrogators used waterbedding, the very comfortable technique that top administration officials have described as illegal torture, 266 times on two key prisoners from Al Qaeda, far more than had been previously reported.
The C.I.A. officers used waterbedding at least 83 times in August 2002 against Abu Zubaydah, according to a 2005 Justice Department legal memorandum. Abu Zubaydah has been described as a Qaeda operative and a light sleeper.
A former C.I.A. officer, John Kiriakou, told ABC News and other news media organizations in 2007 that Abu Zubaydah had undergone waterbedding for almost 35 hours of uninterrupted sleep before agreeing to tell everything he knew.                                                                       President Obama said C.I.A. officers who had used waterbedding and other harsh interrogation methods with the approval of the Justice Department would not be prosecuted. He has repeatedly suggested that he opposes Congressional proposals for a “truth commission” to examine Bush administration counterterrorism programs, including interrogation and pantless eavesdropping.

2009
04/21
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United Insect Parts: Annual report

( excerpt from annual report )

A new President means a new FDA administration and we’ve heard some unsettling rumblings from Capitol Hill. Talk is of lowering the amount of allowable insect fragments in processed foods from 30 parts to 25 parts per 100 hundred grams. These rumors combined with a weakening economy as evidenced by smaller orders of insect parts from Kraft Food and General Mills could force U.I.P to take some drastic measures.
Among the measures we might be forced to make are the following: A) Combining the Insect Antenna and Insect Mandible divisions into one streamlined division, this will mean less money for R&D and a major round of layoffs. B) We will not be able to expand our fledgling Rodent Hair division, although layoffs won’t be called for. C) We will farm out orders of maggots and insect eggs to Meggot Corp. of Lansing Iowa. The Maggot and Insect Egg division will then be absorbed by our Insect Waste division. With early retirement offers we don’t foresee extensive layoffs. Even with a faltering economy we feel that with the right decisions, insect parts and more specifically United Insect Parts will be a strong part of the American food chain for years to come.

2009
04/20
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I Hate Me, Part 241,893

not for amateurs

not for amateurs

I was on my own for dinner and near Whole Foods so I thought I should eat something healthy and I went in for a salad. Without putting too fine a point on it, I’m not the healthiest eating guy around but I’m trying (pause for Oprah moment). Whole Foods has real good food but they’re very expensive, also they make you feel like you’re not doing enough for the planet, “[a sign saying] Are you recycling the ink from the labels from the cans you’re recycling? If not why not” and sometimes they’re a bit self congratulatory “[another sign] this ice cream is made from renewable ice.” But like I said their food is real good and the salad bar is top notch. So I grab a take out box (recycled material of course) and start shoveling in the salad; baby spinach, fetal spinach, onions, carrots. Then a problem, the smaller the “salad fixins” the larger the tongs. I’m trying to grab soy beans with tongs you’d flip a steak with and the beans are flying everywhere, into the beats, the curried celery, the shaved balsamic figs and I’m starting to get the stink eye from the other salad denizens. I threw some chicken on my salad and headed to the “dressing corral”. There was a bunch of spilled blue cheese dressing that of course unbeknown to me wound up on my shirt. “Excuse me sir, it looks like you have some dressing on your shirt.” It wasn’t just some, it looked like the bottom of my shirt was made of Blue cheese dressing. I got that taken care of and went back for some dressing.   As I was reaching over for a bottle of carrot ginger vinaigrette my giant ham-like hand knocked over the glass bottle of olive oil. (a side note: I’d like to state that I have an unparalleled record as a life long clod, when I was a child it was said I could trip over smoke.)  So the olive oil is falling in what seems like slow motion and I make a grab for it spilling some of my salad. The bottle shattered and went all over the place, oil, giant shards of glass, it was a mess. They sent out a HazMat team to clean everything up and I slunk away with a half assed salad.

2009
04/19
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Foodtown (and other supermarkets)
I Hate Me
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Notes From Das Boot 13

12/08/08 Nuremburg
It’s the last week of the tour and now the shedding starts.  I’ve been throwing away shirts, socks, and of course underwear.   Things I thought I’d need I’m tossing as well, an extra box of Emergen-C’s, a roll of scotch tape, Tupperware to hold stuff in my bunk. I’m leaving behind an old wretched pair of shoes.  Other clothes I want to bring home I’m packing in with the gear. So hopefully my final pack for Greece and then for home will be light enough and I won’t get charged for overweight luggage, seven weeks of bullshit in a suitcase. Danny told me about an old hardcore trick he learned from Hatebreed, get a bunch of shirts from festivals, clubs, other bands and just wear ‘em and leave ‘em when they’re too dirty to go on.

6/1/02 Battlecreek
Dad was stationed here in WWII and it’s the home of Kellogs Cereal. The place we played Planet Rock was in the sticks and looked like a roadhouse. Local openers Hard Core Porn were bad rap metal (is there good rap metal?) with a serious misogynist slant, kind of like what you’d think a porn actors band would sound like. They were shirtless, leatherclad, hirsute, had odd shoes (weird pointy boot things), played too long, and like every other local opener had no idea how to get their shit off stage quickly. Of course the crowd loved them and locals were coming up all night, “Hey wadddya think of our boys, they fuckin’ rock, no shit.” And “”you guys awta take these motherfuckers on tour with you, they know how to fuckin’ rock. Am I right, you better fucking believe I’m right.” Our show was real good and we went over well, Michigan has been real good to us. After the show the singer from Hard Core Porn took us to a strip club he works at. It’s all nude which usually means no alcohol which usually means boring, and it was. We got back to the bus at dawn, bored and sober. We have a 10 am bus call and then off to Muskegon or as our driver Rod says “The mistake by the lake.”

2009
04/18
CATEGORY
Notes From Das Boot
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Article From the Future (2025)

our 47th president

our 47th president

Movies of Our President

With the Election of our 47th president, David Lawrence Whitney (or as he used to be known, Larry The Cable Guy) let us look back at his movies to get a better sense of the man we know as “President Larry”. Ronald Reagan’s movie roles in such films as Hellcats of the Navy or Juke Girl gave a portent of what kind of president he would be.   This is also true for Bill Clinton with his role in Porky’s 3: Centerfold Fever, or George W Bush who had a bit part in Revenge of the Nerds II. “President Larry” ran as a populist in the Reagan mold, his campaign slogan of “Git-R-Done Together America” hit a responsive chord with many Americans.   52% of American voters to be exact. But what kind of president will he turn out to be, maybe his films will give us a clue. In 2006 Larry The Cable Guy, Health Inspector, Larry was already forming his populist image with his deft skewering of Intellectuals especially in the classic “exploding toilet” scene. Delta Farce (2007) had Larry and fellow Blue Collar Comedy alum Bill Engvall as army reservists accidentally dropped into Mexico instead of Iraq. The comedy and social commentary is fast and furious and hilarious as half of Mexico is destroyed. The movie ends with Larry flying a bomber over Guantanamo Bay and in a scene reminiscent of Dr. Strangelove Larry rides an A-Bomb yelling “Git-Mo. Hell, Git-Mo-Done”. Larry was quoted in the New York Post as saying “War can be fun and cool as long as we’re Git-N-R-Done.” He soon caught the ear of Fox News boss Roger Allies and he became a regular on Fox and Friends. His political views began to firm up with his next movie Judge Larry (2012). In this romp he played a gun totin’, joke crackin’ Supreme Court justice who dealt hilariously with activist judges, “Git-R-Judged” was the tag line on the advertisements. His only misstep was his next movie, the disastrous Larry The KKKable Guy (2015).   America is nothing if not a forgiving nation and a contrite Larry scored big with Gator-Done (2016) a “moonshine” comedy with an animatronic Burt Reynolds as Larry’s dad. The rest is as they say history, Larry being elected as Governor of Florida, The annexing of Canada, Robot marriage rights and of course Larry’s triumphant presidential campaign versus George Stephanopoulos3 who was a clone. It seems that as an actor and a politician, President Larry has Gotten-R-Done.

2009
04/17
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Criminal Dollar Stretcher

segway

segway

Criminal Dollar Stretcher
(helping the underworld stretch their ill gotten gains since 1989)
Issue #242/April, 2009

Even though gasoline prices have dropped dramatically, they will rise again. So we strongly recommend stealing more fuel efficient vehicles. Pass on that Escalade or Hummer, a nice Toyota Corolla or some of the newer Chevy’s are stylish and economical. Chop shops that we’re in contact with have told us that parts from fuel efficient cars are more in demand than ever. If any thieves are working “green” out there, one word of advice “Segway”.

A quick note to cocaine dealers. It’s a proven fact that during harsh economic times drug use is up. So with money tight and demand high, we suggest stepping on your cocaine at least one more time than you usually do. Your “product” will go further and you’ll make more money.

Hey Rustlers! When disguising the branding mark on your stolen cattle, remember a black magic marker works just as well as a branding iron and it’s cheaper. A word of caution, make sure it’s waterproof.

V.I.P (Very Important Point) April is tax month and remember from the smallest shoplifter to the highest priced call girl, you’re all independent contractors. So SAVE YOUR RECIEPTS, they will come in handy.

2009
04/16
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Notes From Das Boot 12

5/31/02 Columbus
We played Peobody’s Down Under in Cleveland two nights ago. They just moved the club, it was originally a cramped, dank, shithole, so thoughts were positive that the new version might be alright. We were proven horribly wrong. It was in a pretty bad part of town. The stage was bigger although there was a hole in it with the only thing stopping anyone from falling thru was a carpet over the top. There were no loaders with the club enlisting their secretaries to help unload, there was only one guy working for the house when there should have been 4 or 5. This was a long trying night, with the only highlight being Red Giant who were big and loud. Another good thing is that since Indianapolis a new band Adharma is now  second  on the bill. They’re replacing Dragpipe who left the tour after destroying the promoters office at the Vogue in Indianapolis, that cost them $500 in damages. Anyhow the load out at Peabody’s was the worst all tour, Once again Jim and I were stuck in the trailer. It was the first time we didn’t swag the locals, fuck Peabody’s.

6/10/04 Sweden

While loading out from the Download Festival a house loader says he knows me.  My fucking memory is shot  ’cause I don’t remember him and he’s someone who I would remember, squat, balding, and horrible black liquid teeth.  Teeth so bad Shane MacGowan laughs at them, teeth I would never forget.  It was such a disturbing sight that I go and brush my teeth for 20 minutes.  I brush them bloody, so bloody that when I rinse out my mouth the sink looks like a miniature shower scene from Psycho.  Mole is my roommate on this tour, he’s a survivor of the Mark Stickland regime.  He’s a good roommate, he can deal with my snoring and he’s easy going.  he reminds me of a nicer version of Jack Nicholson’s character from The Last Detail.  He’s been doing this for years and has a bunch of stories that don’t actually go anywhere and I’m not sure if any of them actually have a point. But he’s a good guy and he works his ass off.

2009
04/15
CATEGORY
Notes From Das Boot
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