day off

We had a cook out and I’m wiped out, so instead of blathering on about the minutiae of the Bar-be-que, here’s a funny piece my aunt wrote

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maggie-van-ostrand/michael-jacksons-family-t_b_259170.html

Fromme Now an Eagle

Eagles Sign Fromme  Doug Sisk-NY Post

Two days ago the Philadelphia Eagles grabbed headlines by signing controversial quaterback Michael Vick.  Today they made another media splash by signing would-be presidential assassin and Manson family member Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme, who was recently released from prison. In a prepared statement Eagles officials said “We’re signing Ms. fromme as we believe that she gives us added depth at our receiving positions.” Ms. Fromme who was unavailable for comment played three seasons (1972-74) as a tight end for the Montana Wildcats in the WFA (Womens Football Association). Ms Fromme who is sixty years old isn’t expected to see much playing time.

Million Dollar Idea #2

With the popularity of historical dramas; HBO’s John Adams, the upcoming Brad Pitt vehicle I Was Lincoln’s Podiatrist and of course Thomas Jefferson Superstar combined with the enduring popularity of horror movies, I give you another million dollar idea…FRANKLINSTEIN! So far it consist of american patriot and scientist Ben Franklin who re-animates dead american soldiers to fight the british. I’m kind of vague on the rest, maybe George Washington as a Werewolf or Betsy Ross as the Queen of the Damned. I don’t really know, Hollywood it’s your move. You’re welcome.

I Like Records 18

First call of the day

A half hour before we open up, I’m in early doing paperwork. The phone rings:
-Hello, Jacks
-Yeh, is this Tim?
-Yes.
-It’s Irene. You know me, right?
-I’m not sure
-Sure you do, you stinker. Anyhow, do you have Springsteen’s phone number? Because he stole my car.
-Stole your car.
-Well, they said he had it towed, but I know he stole it. So do you have his number?
-No, he doesn’t go around giving people his phone number.
-MMmmmm, I was just in Massachusetts, absolutely out of my mind. I’ve been having problems with the Three Stooges. You know who they are don’t you?
-LarryMoeCurley?
-No. Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I don’t know which one’s which. You know the Three Stooges could also be Springsteen, McLean, and Dylan.
-McLean?
-Yeah. Don McLean, jeez don’t you work in a record store. Anyhow, I won’t keep you. Are you sure you don’t have Bruce’s phone number?
-I’m sure.

Origins of Baseball Team Names 5

Detroit Tigers

Imagine ballplayers and savage tigers playing baseball, at the same time! Well it happened. In 1895 the Detroit Tigers were part of the Midwest Animal League (M.A.L.). The league formed by P.T. Barnum Jr. combined wild animals with baseball, other teams in the league included the St. Paul Monitor Lizards, Maumee Wolverines, and the Evansville Hyenas. The league only lasted three years and while it was a financial success it was hard to get good players, most teams were populated by convicts and the mentally infirm. And while only 16 players and officials were killed in those three years, many were severely maimed. In 1898 P.T. Barnum Jr. got bored with the animal league and moved onto his new new passion, political assassination (it was rumored that he was behind the assassination of President Mckinley, and later Archduke Ferdinand). The league soon stumbled to a halt and in 1901 the Tigers were absorbed into the Major Leagues. On a side note the tigers themselves were slaughtered and their skins were made into team uniforms, they were ill fitting and soon discarded. An original Ty Cobb tiger skin uniform was just sold at auction for $75,000.

A Quick Run to the Store (the forgotten ring of hell)

I had just cooked a bunch of chicken on the grill and I thought there was a bunch of Tupperware to put it in. Of course not, five tops and no containers. So a quick run to the store was in order, I wanted to get home in time to see the Mets lose (something they’ve unfortunately become very good at). As I’m pulling in to the store a jerk is speeding down the wrong way in the parking lot, and gives me the stink eye (grrrrrr). I grab a basket, head down an aisle and I see a tiny little kid carrying a basket full of food. Jesus, this kid is strong. Nope, it’s a midget (or a tiny person, I’m not sure what’s correct at this point) and of course he catches me looking at him and I get a look that says YouNeverSeenAMidget,YouAsshole. I back out of the aisle and try the next one, I’m stuck behind a guy who’s weaving and slow and eating a giant bag of chips, an eat and shop guy. Oh yeah, he’s a fat guy wearing a way too small shirt for a mixed martial arts school. Now I’m a fat guy as well and the first goddamn rule of clothing is, Non Embarrassing, Loose Fitting, Coverage. (A good example: many years ago I found a really cool Funkadelic-America Eats It Young long sleeve black T-shirt in large, I thought I could pull it off. Not even close, if you had given me a snorkel I would have looked like part of the Funkadelic Dive Team). I finally grab the Tupperware containers and head to the check out, 10 items or less. I’m third in line, the first guy is a giant musclebound douche who must have thought the sign said 10 bags of groceries or less. So the second guy in line and I are exchanging What-The-Fuck-Is-This-Asshole-Doing looks, finally after a problem with his bonus points card Mr.musclebound douche is gone. The next guy is up, I thought he was alright, we were both angered by the first guy and he only had a few vegetables,Pow! The shopping bag’s not right, “Could you put the food in a plastic bag than put that bag in a paper bag and then put that bag in another plastic bag.” The kid bags it, incorrectly. “No, no I’m sorry. You put the food in a paper bag than put that in a plastic bag, I need you to put the food in a plastic bag than a paper bag than another plastic bag, It’s stronger that way, thank you”. I was stupefied, the Mets were down 2-0 by the time I got home.

Origins of Baseball Team Names 4

Washington Senators

The Washington Senators formed in 1898 with players who were actual U.S senators. In a move to foster bipartisanship President Mckinley passed an executive order forming the team. Originally the Senators played state fairs and war bond rallies but in 1901 the team petitioned and won admittance to major league baseball. Led by hard throwing lefty Strom Thurmond the Senators never finished higher than 15th place. Many losing seasons followed and combined with senatorial responsibilities put the team on the ropes The Senators changed it’s charter in 1934 and allowed non senators to be on the team. The original Senators moved to Minnesota in 1960 and changed their name to the Twins. Another team named the Washington Senators were formed in 1961 this team contained no sitting senators although retired president Harry Truman was third base coach from 1962-64.

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