My Entire Team Sucks

I like baseball and I’m a Mets fan, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Every year the Mets find a way to break my goddamn heart. Anyhow after yesterdays unassisted game ending triple play (the first since 1927?) I was going through some fake Met headlines that Matt (from work) and I came up with. Think of these as headlines (and scenarios) from the back page of the News or the Post, I don’t think any of them have been used yet:

DON’T MESS WITH THE JOHAN- (Johan Santana plunking a batter in retaliation)

TA-TA TATIS-(Fernando Tatis gets cut or traded)

BATS IN THE PELFRY-(Mike Pelfry doing his hand licking and balking)

REMEMBER THE MAINE-(wasn’t John Maine a Mets pitcher?)

MURPHY’S FLAW-(Daniel Murphy and fielding not so perfect together)

REED ‘EM AND WEEP-(the unlikely scenario of a walk off hit by Jeremy Reed)

SANTOS CLAUS -(a game winning hit from Omir Santos, like the Papelbon home run)

I Like Records 19

I was pricing a bunch of records and there was a pile that was off to the side, behind some stuff, obviously not for sale. I really wasn’t paying attention to the pile and an old guy starts moving stuff on the counter to get to them, knocking shit over and he starts to root through the pile. He finds a William Ackerman (a new age guitarist) album and he’s amazed,
-Somebody’s selling this !?
-(I’m looking at the mess he made at the counter) Yeah, can you believe it.
-No, I can’t believe it. Who would sell this? I already have it or I would’ve bought it.
-yeah
[He continues to putter around, not buying anything. He finally leaves, then comes back]
-Hey buddy, I have a bunch of Moody Blues LP’s, they’re in mint shape, pristine. How much are they worth.
-Not much, sorry
-But they’re in excellent shape.
-I’m sure they are, but I got more here than I’ll ever be able to sell.
-How about Sinatra, huh?
[Most people who have Sinatra records think that they’re worth a lot of money, “It’s Sinatra!” They made zillions of Sinatra records, 99% aren’t worth much and few people are buying Sinatra records at Jacks . So my standard line is “I could built a house with all the Sinatra records I don’t buy.” But I didn’t this time.]
-No, I’m sorry. No Sinatra. If you think they’re worth some money you could try E-bay or Craigslist.
-Nah, You know I care, but I don’t care. KnowwhatImean.
-No, not really.
-Yeah, I’ll just keep ‘em.

I Hate Me, Pt. 165,998

I went out yesterday while I was at work to get my wife some roses. She was having a crummy day and, well she is married to me so if that doesn’t deserve roses than I don’t really know what does. So I went to the florist who’s a block away, it’s usually empty there and time seems to stand still. The guy who runs it is a nice enough guy, but I have zero to say and the whole transaction takes too much time for complete silence. He has a couple of tattoos so that was good for one conversation, but it’s been uncomfortable (on my end) the last couple of times.
-Hi, can I get a dozen roses
-Sure, mixed?
-Yeah, that’s fine
TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK
[The silence is killing me. I don’t know why, I usually like silence. Anyhow it’s excruciating, time is moving backwards. So I blurt out…]
-So those refrigerated flower cases…they look like they could be used in a restaurant kitchen…(WHAT!? )
-(the florist, clearly bothered that I spoke)..yeah…I don’t know..
-Of course not..And…why would you (hurry up with those goddamn roses)
-…Yeah, all I know is that they have to be thirty six degrees or I gotta call the guy. It’s gotta be colder for food, too cold and the flowers will be ruined.
-…I didn’t mean food and flowers, I just meant they’re cool and old looking and would look cool in a restaurant. (Why did I respond, stupidstupidstupid)
-Well they look old, but everything inside is new. I had to get a new compressor and that set me back two grand. So they may look old but…but they’re not old inside. [By this point he’s stopped wrapping the roses and he’s into talking about the refrigerator] Those doors have had some work done on them as well.
-Yeah,huh (aaaauuuurrrghh!)
the whole thing took less than ten minutes but it felt like ten hours

Excerpts from the Daily Abaddon 8/19/09

The Daily Abaddon “Making sense of the Fire & Brimstone every day”

Charon Notes: New Arrivals

Hell would like to welcome it’s newest big star, pundit Robert Novak. Novak impressed a lot demons around here with his style and attitude and we’re glad he’s here. Robert who was known as “the prince of darkness” (you’re gonna have to change that nickname Robbo, it’s already taken) will get right to work joining Hades biggest think tank which also includes Lee Atwater and Roy Cohn. Welcome to Hell Robert, you’ve earned it.

Movie Chat

boundBound For Glory (1976), Dir. Hal Ashby/Starring: David Carradine
Criterion Collection

The Criterion Collection once again dusts off an underappreciated gem. This time it’s Bound For Glory, Hal Ashby’s biopic of folk singer Woody Guthrie from 1976 with David Carradine as Guthrie. The movie has been cleaned up considerably and the new 5.1 surround sound is a revelation but the best part of the package is found on disc two. Disc two features a short behind the scenes feature as well as a rollicking interview between Ashby and Carradine. The surprise is a few rough cut scenes from from Ashby’s proposed follow up, another Guthrie movie but one with a sci-fi bent entitled This Time Machine Kills Fascists. The title comes from the phrase Guthrie had painted on his guitar “This Machine Kills Fascists” and it tells the story of an unlikely meeting between Guthrie and Science Fiction writer H.G. Wells. In the film treatment (a replica is included with the booklet) Wells travels thru time to 1944 and has a chance meeting with Woody Guthrie at a roadside diner. The two men get to talking and soon Guthrie has convinced Wells to let him go back in time and kill Hitler using a rifle disguised as a guitar (much like the one used in 1968’s Fastest Guitar Alive starring Roy Orbison). The fifteen minutes of rough footage mainly show Guthrie once again played by David Carradine working on the time machine with H.G. Wells who was portrayed by Ray Walston. While the scenes are interesting it’s clear why it was never made. Instead of This Time Machine Kills Fascists Ashby went on to make the Oscar winning Viet Nam drama Coming Home.

snore

Everything I’ve tried to come up with has either been un-funny or un-interesting, usually both. So I’m taking a couple of days off, see you Wednesday

day off

We had a cook out and I’m wiped out, so instead of blathering on about the minutiae of the Bar-be-que, here’s a funny piece my aunt wrote

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maggie-van-ostrand/michael-jacksons-family-t_b_259170.html

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