Archive for the ‘ Foodtown (and other supermarkets) ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 461,990

[upon reading this, it's pretty goddamned slight]

I had to go to the A&P to pick up dog food that I had forgotten to get when I went to Foodtown earlier in the day, I just couldn’t take going back to Foodtown. As I have have written in the past, this A&P has slow doors and at night they lock one entrance. When I got there both entrances were open which was a minor victory. Our dog Lucy (aka: Ma Barker or Lil’ Shitpaw) eats Mighty Dog but there is one style that turns her into a tiny shit cannon. I always forget what kind; Sea Bass with Lime Cilantro, Sirloin Mango Chutney, or Umami Chicken Stew. So I called Carrie on her cel to find out which one was on the no fly list. Went right to message, this usually turns into a tennis match of unanswered returned phone calls. I figured I’d get one of each and the wrong one we could give to somebody who has a dog that likes to shit a lot. I got a call back from Carrie, terrible connection, too much hang time, talking over each other. Before we both hung up in disgust I made out one word, blueberries. So I got the blueberries and headed to the check out. It was late so the only guy working the register was also stocking the shelves, so they want you to use the self checkout. I didn’t have my savings card and there was like 15cents off of each can of dogfood, so I had to get the guy, who was not happy. He rung me up, I saved my 90 cents. Unbeknownst to me the entrance I had used earlier had been locked. I didn’t know this and even walking slowly (compensating for the slow door), I still hit it with a thud. The register guy just looked at me and said “yeah, that’s locked”. Touche, register guy, touche.

avoid the Sea Bass and Lime Cilantro

avoid the Sea Bass and Lime Cilantro

I Hate Me, part 491,922

Went to Foodtown the other night for some supplies, which included apples. Their apples were terrible, like red balloons full of mush. So I headed over to Whole Foods, Bought the stuff I needed, (the Pink Lady apples were pretty good) and headed to the checkout. There was one woman ahead of me, the checkout conveyer wasn’t full of food so I figured it wouldn’t be long and I plopped my groceries down. I ran into my brother-in-law there, he was in the next checkout line and we were shooting the shit about comic books and other world altering stuff. His line which had many people on it was moving quickly and I realized that mine hadn’t moved at all. I looked and there was the same amount of groceries from the woman in front still on the conveyer. I didn’t know what was going on until I saw the woman still had a full cart of food but was deciding on each piece of food before she put it on the conveyer. She was adding another step to the drudgery of shopping. Instead of what most people do which would be “Hey, I want 6 apples. These look good.”, she had bags of produce and then was thinning the herd at the counter. “I only want these three tomatoes, I don’t want the other two”, “mmmmm Yeah I don’t want this celery….wait wait…I take that back but I don’t want this one.” This went on for a long time, Dave had finished checking out and came over, we were exchanging some “WTF” looks, I’d never seen anything like it. Finally somebody came over from customer service and offered to ring me up at the customer service desk, and the long national nightmare was over.”

Whenever I see Pink Lady apples, I'm reminded of an 1980's variety show called Pink Lady & Jeff. I don't really remember the show but I remember the title was used as a punch line by some late night TV hosts

Whenever I see Pink Lady apples, I’m reminded of an 1980’s variety show called Pink Lady & Jeff. I don’t really remember the show but I remember the title was used as a punch line by some late night TV hosts

I Hate Me 400,88

 

[This reads a little cranky, sorry]

I had to go to Foodtown. As I was going to grab a cart, a woman sent her small child to get one as well. This kid was young, barely passed toddler and this task was above her level of competence. I know that kids should be encouraged to do things, it’s how they grow but at the same time, pick your spots. If there’s a long line at Starbucks don’t have your child stammer out your intricate latte order, it’s not cute and everybody in line hates you. Same thing here, if there are people waiting to grab a shopping cart, don’t send your overmatched child to wrestle with one for two minutes while you’re talking on your phone. By the time her child had won her battle with the cart there were three other people (one with children) also waiting for carts. The woman shot us a look and went into the store. Once in the store I went about my business, as I was passing the deli section I saw the same woman at the counter holding up her child who repeated the order that was being whispered into her ear. The deli clerk had a blank look of disgust. I got the rest of my stuff and went to the check out and aauughhh! I was stuck behind the woman and her child. Nothing happened but some of the woman’s groceries weren’t on the conveyer belt and were stuck at the end. She didn’t notice it so I moved it onto the belt, “That’s my food.” I explained that they were stuck and I moved them, this earned an eyebrow raise and some guy who just finished bagging, wearing a shirt with Jesus wearing sunglasses and “I’ll be back” written on it gave me the stink eye as well. Just get me outta here, I rang up my stuff and was ready to pay. There’s this thing called Blink, it’s a sensor on the card machine where you don’t have to swipe, just put the card near it. I’ve never used it, until…
“Ok you paid”
“No I didn’t, I didn’t swipe my card yet”
“The Blink thing got the information”
“what?…Blink?…what?”
I was suddenly that old guy who had fallen behind technology and a younger person has to explain basic concepts in calm measured tones that one would associate with a sanitarium. The kid to his credit was explaining Blink to me, possibly over explaining it. I got the concept after the first couple of seconds, and the checkout line was growing. “ok……ok…okokok..I got it..yup…got it….thanks…sorry…thanks.” I was the asshole holding up the line, I grabbed my shit and slunk out.
ILLBEBACK01__13391.1397856410.700.700

I Hate Me, Part 367,572

 

Had to go to Foodtown this morning. It should have been quick, a surgical strike but with me being me and Foodtown being Foodtown it went south. I got the stuff I needed and headed to the ten items or less checkout. There was one person ahead of me and she had one bottle of juice and she worked at the store, it was almost like there was no people in front of me but..
Cashier- that’ll be $2.99
Woman- wait I have my savings card, it’s on sale..
The woman started to fumble through a gigantic but seemingly well organized wallet that was packed with nothing but savings cards from various stores.
Woman-..it’s in here somewhere…mmmmm…
She found the card but couldn’t get it out of the wallet, it was stuck. She started wrestling with the wallet, knocking other cards out of it. I was running late so I was weighing the funny/annoying ratio, funny was winning for now.
Cashier-…are those all savings cards?
Woman-oh yeah…they really come in handy…I don’t have any credit cards
They start to have a discussion on the pros and cons of credit cards. Now I’m behind this woman but somewhat hidden by a giant lottery ticket vending machine, so I’m thinking that the cashier doesn’t think there’s anybody else in line and she doesn’t have to move things along. So I stepped to my left so she could see that yes there is a line. Unfortunately, I stepped right in the way of an old man with a full cart, he completely nailed me and I dropped my stuff. Everybody stopped and looked at me as I was picking up my stuff.
Old Man..sorry buddy but you should watch where your walking.
The funny/annoying ratio tipped substantially into the annoying side.
The woman finally got her savings card out and was disappointed that her juice wasn’t on sale and another smaller discussion ensued. Months later I got out, humbled and then some.
Foodtown_SF_CIRCUS_logo

I Hate Me, part 384,220

We (my wife) are hosting Thanksgiving this year, it’s mostly her family as there’s not much left of mine. I’m not usually around for Thanksgiving so I’m just trying to stay out of the way and and shrink my trash footprint. Which is like a carbon footprint but on a household level, with records, books, and miscellaneous garbage instead of carbon . We got enough bonus points at Foodtown to get a turkey, which is great. We went to Foodtown together (a rare occurrence) I parked our cart which had food in it and we went and analyzed a bunch of frozen turkeys. Before I could stop her, Carrie asked a Foodtown employee his opinion. I’ve had some interaction with this guy, he’s really nice but he’s pretty intense about his opinions. One really big turkey, one kind of big turkey and and extra breast, two smaller turkeys if there’s a lot of leg and wing aficionado’s, size of leftovers. Way too many options. I went to get other stuff we needed but my cart was in the process of being taken away, like it was being towed.
“Hey man, that’s my cart”
-slack jawed stare-
“Yeah, that’s my cart..there’s food in it”
“…oh”
and he kept going, slower but still going
“sorry, I still need it”
I calmly wrestled it out of his hands and went to get towels. As I was zipping down towards paper goods, I saw this woman in front of me and she was weaving slowly down the aisle. I needed to get by her. Like a great running back I saw three moves ahead of me, getting by her and grabbing the towels but like a shitty running back, I didn’t pay attention to my first move and ran the cart into a shelf knocking off a bunch of toilet paper and earning me a glare from the slow weaver. I finally got back to the frozen turkeys where Carrie was being diplomatic
“I really think this one will be fine”
“I don’t know, I think you should get at least an extra breast.”
“Well..”
“You’re making a mistake”
We grabbed our turkey and headed towards the checkout…and freedom.

actual size

actual size

I Hate Me, part 364,322

I had to go to Foodtown after work. I was in a rush because I wanted to get home to see how the Mets were going to lose another game. Included in the shopping list were a bunch of Vitamin Waters, they were on sale so I bought a bunch. There were two registers open, an express 10 Items or Less and a normal register. There was a family who looked like they were stocking up for the coming apocalypse so I went to the express lane. I had a lot more than ten items but less than bomb shelter stock up and there was nobody else, so I figured why not. As soon as I put all the items down and the cashier gave me a “I know there’s more than ten items” smirk, a woman got in line with one carton of milk. The cashier gave her a “Get a load of this asshole with more than ten items” look. I was the jerk but I didn’t really care because my needs as a Mets fan outweighed any unspoken societal contract with the rest of the world. I got all my bags and headed to the car. Yes, I still use plastic bags. We reuse them for cleaning up the Duchess’s leavings on her walks and I’m doing an extensive art project with them, a 70 foot tall bile duct made entirely of plastic bags and my dreams. I got to the car and was putting everything in the back seat and some of the vitamin waters fell out of the bag. Fuck! one went under the car and I was cursing and chasing down rolling bottles of vitamin water. I put them back in the bag and they fell out again. Augggghhhhh! Godfuckingdammitfuckfuckfuck! This happened ONE MORE TIME and then as the slowest man on the planet, I realized there was a hole in the side of the bag. I just threw the bottles in the back of the car and went home to watch the Mets lose.

the soup is actually served in a bowl made from a Haddock

the soup is actually served in a bowl made from a Haddock

I Hate Me, part 377,109

I had to run out for errands. First was getting a new pair of shoes, which was a nightmare. A boring nightmare but a nightmare none the less. Who knew that people with size 12 feet got shunted off to the Circus and Freak Supply Hut (located in Hazlet, near the swamp). On my way home I stopped at the Stop & Shop to pick up some stuff. It wasn’t a lot but it was more than a hand basket would carry so I got a short grocery cart. There’s something about these carts that make me feel old and feeble. The normal carts are sturdy wagons to fill with food and drink, to barrel through the aisles with the impunity of an SUV. Whereas the short cart looks like a glorified walker, a reminder of what’s coming in a few years (if I’m lucky). Also, the short cart has an ankle smasher bar, so you have to walk with short halting steps or else you’ll smash your ankle. I wasn’t in a great mood after the shoe debacle so I thought “I’ll rewrite the rules, no short cart is gonna cramp my freewheeling, anti-authoritative style. Fuck the Man!” (I actually didn’t think that but when they make the movie of this tale, it would make a nice voice over. I’m thinking Liam Neeson). So ladies and gentlemen (those who haven’t fallen asleep yet), I pulled the cart instead of pushing it. When the history of the shopping cart is written I will be in there. Not written about like the Wright Brothers and flight but like the guy who’s shown in the history of flight blooper reel, he’s got a plane with ten wings that collapses almost instantly. Seconds after I started pulling the cart and it was smashing into the shelves knocking stuff off, I realized that they weren’t made to be pulled only pushed. I felt like an idiot, which I’m sure the people who witnessed it would agree with. Be sure to tip your bartender.

the short car. aka: the pre-walker, with ankle smasher bar

the short car. aka: the pre-walker, with ankle smasher bar

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