Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I Hate Me, Part 477,198


I was coming back from getting a coffee and I saw a crazy woman who doubles as a crazy customer who doesn’t buy anything but asks rhetorical questions regarding how her boyfriend could cheat on her. Not in a “How could he do this to me?” type of way but in a logistical “How could he do this to me…when I was watching him like a hawk?” way. So I gave her a wide berth and got to the back counter unscathed where I was greeted by a large sad old man.
“Do You have 70’s music…the fabulous 70’s music?”
“mmm Is that the name of the album you’re looking for?”
“No, it was fabulous”
I start walking him over to the compilation section
“are you looking for that old collection called Fabulous 70’s…because that’s out of print”
“no…no it was the music that was fabulous and it was from the 70’s.”
“yeah…fabulous…can you think of any song or artist that you were thinking of?”
“No…it was on the radio and it was fast”
“ahhhyeahh..the 70’s was quite a chunk of time…and there was a lot of music made during that time…
-blank stare-
“…a LOT of music….so…rock music?…dance music?…”
“it was fast”
“fast?…fast songs from the 70’s”
“Yeah…I don’t want no ballads”
“…urrhhhhuhhh…ok… was it fast and heavy like…uh…Led Zeppelin…or fast like the Ramones…?”
-blank stare-
look man…you’re givin’ me nothin’ here… ya gotta work with me a little bit”
“it was just fast, you have anything like that?”
“not really, here’s all our 70’s comps”
Heavy sigh “…ok”

not fabulous enough

not fabulous enough


I Hate Me, part 413,900


(prologue, foreshadowing) I have a annoying/great air horn app on my phone, it’s great for interrupting people (you’ve gone on too long, “MAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!”) and just generally being annoying.

I was grabbing lunch at Whole Foods (Mac & Cheese: each piece of macaroni was hand crafted on a tiny macaroni lathe and the cheese was sourced at a dairy farm partially owned by the cows) and was eating at one of the tables in the store. I had finished and went to throw out my garbage. I’m somewhat lazy when it comes to recycling. There wasn’t any cans or bottles in my trash but I know if I did a little more research on the all the materials that made up the trash I would’ve/should’ve separated them better. There was a couple of middle aged hipster types (high maintenance facial hair, nerd glasses) chatting right by the garbage. I had my phone out while I was eating and had it in my hand as I was mashing everything into the general garbage can. I don’t know how it happened but I hit the air horn app and dropped the phone with the garbage into the can at the same time. MAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!. The people who were chatting shot me a look, “uurhh… heh…must be a recycling…or garbage alarm”. Dead eye look, building into annoyed glare, back to chatting. I pulled out the can and fished out my phone. I wanted to slink out but since I just stuck my hand in garbage I went and washed my hands and cleaned my phone and then slunk out.

now in convenient phone version

now in convenient phone version

I Hate Me, part 466,827

Older guy steams in, very animated but seemingly normal. His socks, the color of a traffic cone should have been a tip off.
“I got a tape sitting up front for me that I ordered but I got a question, there’s a song called Black Butterfly by Deniece Williams, do you have it…she’s black”
“…let me check”
As I’m looking up to see what album it’s on and it’s availability, he lets out a deep satisfied sigh and slaps his belly
“yeahhpp, I got all the good tapes…all kinds of music…I even got Springsteen…I knew him when he used to play on the rocks in Long Branch and nobody cared…now look at him…he’s famous…”
“Sorry but we don’t have any Deniece Williams in stock, that song is on a greatest hits cd that I can order in for you”
“Ok fine…so you’ll order that tape for me it for me?”
“yup, it’s a cd not a tape, I just need your name and number”
which he proceded to do
“Ok.. that should be about a week, we’ll give you a call”
“Fine, now can you show me where her tapes..uh cd’s are, I wanna see if it’s on anything else”
“……..I’m sorry, maybe you misunderstood me…we don’t have any Deniece Williams cd’s in stock…none in the store…nothing by her at all…”
dead look
“just show me where her section is…I wanna check.”
“well…like I’ve been saying we don’t have any…if we had it, I would sell it to you because that would be easier for both of us… I wouldn’t have to order it”
dead look
“but where do you file it”
“W soul, over there”
two minutes later
“yeah, you don’t have it”
“…really?, that’s surprising”
“sooooooo….you’ll order it?
I nodded yes, then went into the stock room and screamed into my arm

should have been a tip off

should have been a tip off

I Hate Me, 438,911


Busy day, waiting to go out for coffee. This weird little middle aged guy in shorts and a half shirt came in with a small stack of records. For the most part they were beat to shit but he had a couple of decent ones. He was describing each one before he gave it to me, he handed me a Beach Boys-Greatest Hits
“Here’s one, the fuckin’ Beatles, this gottttta be worth a buck, right?
“That’s The Beach Boys, man and it’s pretty scratched up”
“No, man that’s the fuckin’ Beatles. It’s got some old weed in it and shit but it’s a good one…it’ll play.”
“Yeah, no. It’s way too scratchy and it ain’t the Beatles”
He gave me a palm up shrug, with a smirk (you win this battle)
“How about this one, fuckin’ Cheech and Chong- Big Bambu, you know this one right?”
“Yeah, but it’s only really worth anything if it has the giant rolling paper in it”
“No man, it don’t…I lent this to my ex…and she probably took it…you know how that shit goes…Oh, and it’s scratched up”
yeah, man you’re not really selling me on it.”
“really? ”
We settled on a price for the ones I wanted and I went out for coffee. I saw the guy as I was going into Starbucks, “Hey record dude, coffee. Yeah!”

...and it's scratched

…and it’s scratched


I Hate Me, part 497,451


We have an old tree on the side of the driveway, the branches hang over the car. I’m not sure what kind of tree it is, I refer to it as a Shitberry tree. Although I never see any birds on it whatever part of the car is parked under it is covered in industrial strength bird shit and pine(?) needles. I usually don’t notice how bad it is until I get where I’m going, then it’s windex, paper towels and a strong resolve. Unless I’m lazy, which is often, then I just look at it, droop my shoulders and shuffle off to whatever task I’m on. This latest task was Foodtown. I went in, got the few items I had to get and headed to the checkout. There was only two open, one was the normal and one was 20 items or less. There was a woman who was in the 20 items or less that had a huge amount of stuff, well over 20 items. All of it seemed to be fruits, vegetables or bulk food. So there were just little bags and little bags and little bags of items that all had to be identified and weighed. The regular checkout had a long line of people who seemed to be stocking up for the apocalypse. I stood there ruminating on the life choices that had brought me to this spot when an outraged little old lady, who looked like Nancy Reagan with an even bigger head pointed at the woman who had more than 20 items, and shrieked in a surprisingly loud voice “look at her! She can’t count!” to no one in particular. it looked like something that the aliens in Invasion of The Body Snatchers would do. The woman who was working the courtesy desk took pity on me and rang me up. She looked at what what was going on shook her head and said “Must be a full moon.”

"look at her! She can't count!"

“look at her! She can’t count!”

I Hate Me, part 446,186

It was a slow day at work until about fifteen minutes before Matt left for the day. It seemed like the bus from crazytown (not the band) made an unscheduled stop, which it often does. A woman was asking for a ton of different cd’s, most of it was late 90’s metal and soul. She was asking for them in half song titles and misheard lyrics but no band names. I would show her a section she was looking for and before I could turn around, she would be asking another question from a different part of the store. It had the vibe of one of those Japanese horror movies where there are people who crawl out of TV sets, swivel their heads and crawl on the wall. While this was going on another guy was asking if I was going to see Steely Dan at the Count Basie, I wasn’t. He wasn’t either but…”Yeah, I paid $50 to see Andrew Dice Clay there and it was great, he still got it…about 100 women walked out…yeah he still got it. He did new stuff but he didn’t do any nursery rhymes…so when he was done, I ran up front and yelled NURSERY RHYMES, MOTHERFUCKER! and he turned around, looked at me and he did all the nursery rhymes…yeah, he’s like Bob Dylan…nobody wants to hear your new shit, dude. They wanna hear the old stuff…the stuff that made you great.” The 90’s metal/soul woman was there for another hour but bought a few cd’s.

he's like Bob Dylan

he’s like Bob Dylan

I Hate Me, part 461,990

[upon reading this, it's pretty goddamned slight]

I had to go to the A&P to pick up dog food that I had forgotten to get when I went to Foodtown earlier in the day, I just couldn’t take going back to Foodtown. As I have have written in the past, this A&P has slow doors and at night they lock one entrance. When I got there both entrances were open which was a minor victory. Our dog Lucy (aka: Ma Barker or Lil’ Shitpaw) eats Mighty Dog but there is one style that turns her into a tiny shit cannon. I always forget what kind; Sea Bass with Lime Cilantro, Sirloin Mango Chutney, or Umami Chicken Stew. So I called Carrie on her cel to find out which one was on the no fly list. Went right to message, this usually turns into a tennis match of unanswered returned phone calls. I figured I’d get one of each and the wrong one we could give to somebody who has a dog that likes to shit a lot. I got a call back from Carrie, terrible connection, too much hang time, talking over each other. Before we both hung up in disgust I made out one word, blueberries. So I got the blueberries and headed to the check out. It was late so the only guy working the register was also stocking the shelves, so they want you to use the self checkout. I didn’t have my savings card and there was like 15cents off of each can of dogfood, so I had to get the guy, who was not happy. He rung me up, I saved my 90 cents. Unbeknownst to me the entrance I had used earlier had been locked. I didn’t know this and even walking slowly (compensating for the slow door), I still hit it with a thud. The register guy just looked at me and said “yeah, that’s locked”. Touche, register guy, touche.

avoid the Sea Bass and Lime Cilantro

avoid the Sea Bass and Lime Cilantro


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