Archive for the ‘ I Hate Me ’ Category

I Hate Me, part 429,019

I usually make my own lunch for work, in an effort to try and eat healthier. Most days I’ll finish it off with a low fat yogurt. After finishing a salad I was treating myself to Dannon “Light & Fit” raspberry yogurt. It doesn’t taste terrible, however the purplish color of it resembles nothing in the natural world. Unfortunately we had run out of spoons. I was furiously tearing apart the lunch table looking for a spoon, nothing. So I decided to use a fork. What’s a fork but a more adventurous spork and I could eat yogurt with a spork. So if I ate it really fast, and used a shoveling motion it might work. Looking back, I should have taped up the fork making it more spoon-like but hindsight is always 20-20. It ended up being a mess, with me having to change my shirt and the great “Yogurt with a Fork” debate was settled.
dannonlightraspberryyogurt

I Hate Me 400,88

 

[This reads a little cranky, sorry]

I had to go to Foodtown. As I was going to grab a cart, a woman sent her small child to get one as well. This kid was young, barely passed toddler and this task was above her level of competence. I know that kids should be encouraged to do things, it’s how they grow but at the same time, pick your spots. If there’s a long line at Starbucks don’t have your child stammer out your intricate latte order, it’s not cute and everybody in line hates you. Same thing here, if there are people waiting to grab a shopping cart, don’t send your overmatched child to wrestle with one for two minutes while you’re talking on your phone. By the time her child had won her battle with the cart there were three other people (one with children) also waiting for carts. The woman shot us a look and went into the store. Once in the store I went about my business, as I was passing the deli section I saw the same woman at the counter holding up her child who repeated the order that was being whispered into her ear. The deli clerk had a blank look of disgust. I got the rest of my stuff and went to the check out and aauughhh! I was stuck behind the woman and her child. Nothing happened but some of the woman’s groceries weren’t on the conveyer belt and were stuck at the end. She didn’t notice it so I moved it onto the belt, “That’s my food.” I explained that they were stuck and I moved them, this earned an eyebrow raise and some guy who just finished bagging, wearing a shirt with Jesus wearing sunglasses and “I’ll be back” written on it gave me the stink eye as well. Just get me outta here, I rang up my stuff and was ready to pay. There’s this thing called Blink, it’s a sensor on the card machine where you don’t have to swipe, just put the card near it. I’ve never used it, until…
“Ok you paid”
“No I didn’t, I didn’t swipe my card yet”
“The Blink thing got the information”
“what?…Blink?…what?”
I was suddenly that old guy who had fallen behind technology and a younger person has to explain basic concepts in calm measured tones that one would associate with a sanitarium. The kid to his credit was explaining Blink to me, possibly over explaining it. I got the concept after the first couple of seconds, and the checkout line was growing. “ok……ok…okokok..I got it..yup…got it….thanks…sorry…thanks.” I was the asshole holding up the line, I grabbed my shit and slunk out.
ILLBEBACK01__13391.1397856410.700.700

I Hate Me, part 471,997

A short note on my complete shallowness

For Christmas last year my brother bought my wife and I a Roku Box, it’s one of those devices where you can watch shows on Netflix. It was a great gift but I am terrible with most technology. I can muddle through but things usually break. I know slightly more than my wife does, which in the long run helps nobody and usually ends with me staring at the ground muttering “I’m sorry, I don’t fuckin’ know.” A technological equivalent of getting your ass kicked in a bar fight in front of your wife. My brother also mentioned that he wasn’t feeling good and he was going to the doctor. A couple of weeks later, I called him and was going to work into the conversation how I could use his help setting up the Roku Box. Before I could, he said that the doctor wanted to take a few tests. Which is never a phrase you want to hear, this also meant I would have to put off the Roku talk for a little while. A week later I called to see how he was doing, not good. The doctor hadn’t liked what he had seen in the last test and wanted to do something of a more invasive nature. There’s really nothing you can say at a time like that outside of a few hackneyed pep talkish chestnuts. If you get heavy and personal, it bums out the person who’s sick, “hey, I’m sure it’s nothin’…he’s just being thorough.” I was pretty freaked out (not as much as my brother of course), but in the back of my mind, a tiny part was yelling “you’re never gonna get that fuckin’ Roku Box set up.”  I went with him a few weeks later to the doctor where he had to get the results from a further procedure, we’re both more than a little weirded out. Sitting in the office waiting, rifling through old copies of Time magazine, not saying anything. I started thinking, worst case scenario he has to go through some sort of treatment. I know what would take his mind off of it, a small task. A small task like…setting up our Roku Box. I was hit with a tsunami of self loathing, am I that fucking shallow. Yes. A few minutes later, doctor calls him in. Everything’s fine, no problem, better be safe than sorry, etc.  So the story has a happy ending, except our Roku Box still isn’t set up yet.

still in the box

still in the box

 

I Hate Me, part, 422,916

I’m at work. Middle aged drunk guy sails over to the used LP section, The music that’s playing is the latest Daft Punk CD.
Guy- ugggghhhhhh! I’ve heard this a million times.
Me-Well, everyone who works here gets a turn to play what they want.
Guy- Yeah, it’s great but c’mon……hey you guys got good vinyls here.
Me-mmmmmm(thru gritted teeth)
Guy-whaddya know about this John Fogerty vinyl (holds up a copy of John Cafferty & the Beaver Brown Band-Tough All Over)
Me-Yeah, that’s not John Fogerty, it’s John Cafferty. he was an 80’s Springsteen knock-off.
Guy-Oh..Cause I never heard any of his stuff after Creedence, maybe I’ll check it out.
Me-That’s not the guy from Creedence, his name is FOGERTY, not CAFFERTY
Guy-…yeeeaaaah, I don’t know……………
Me- ……….Yeah, you should definitely get it, its his best album.
He did.

John Fogerty's greatest album

John Fogerty’s greatest album

I Hate Me, part 419,001

I was on my way to band practice and I stopped at 7-11 for a coffee and bottle of water. Got my stuff and headed to the counter, there was one person in front of me. The clerk was scratching her arms as she was ringing up the woman in front of me. It seemed like a lot of scratching but who am I to judge. After she rang me up (still scratching) and gave me my change, she turned to the other clerk pointed to one of her arms and said “ewww, look at this. I know I got somethin’, ewwww.” Ewwww is right, after I got outside I threw out my change and washed my hands with the bottle of water.
7-11

I Hate Me, part 428,414

I snuck out from work for a quick cup of coffee. I was tired and the cup of coffee I just had didn’t take as well as I had hoped. The Starbucks in town is pretty narrow and as I got there two mothers with double wide strollers were doing impromptu dance moves trying to get out of each other’s way with little success. Such little success that I went out the front door and walked around the building to the back entrance as it was slightly quicker than waiting for the dance recital to end. When I got on the line it wasn’t too bad. The kid in front of me, a slack jaw with an attempted beard was on a coffee run and had a list. Not really a list but many tiny scribbled pieces of paper with orders on them.
Can I get a large americano.”
” is that all?”
“Uh no…(fumbling in his pocket and he pulls out a note) I need a vanilla latte, big”
“Is that all?”
“…oh. Uh….(fumbling again for another note) another vanilla latte, with a shot of expresso
This went on for two more additions to his order. His pockets were like a clown car of annoyance and I was frozen, both angry and amused. The coffee gods were not smiling on me. Finally the kid finished and it was my turn. I gave the barista a “what the fuck was that?” look and he gave me an “I know, right” look back. So I ordered my coffee and went to pay for it with the Starbucks app on my phone (it’s easier!) but I didn’t have enough money on it. So then I went to pay with cash and I didn’t have enough on me. I finally paid with a credit card but not before realizing I had become “that unprepared asshole” to the customer behind me, much like that kid had been to me. And a life lesson was wasted on me as I was just as peeved at the guy behind me for being what I assumed to be slightly irked. If he wasn’t he should have been, God Knows I would have.

another way to fail

another way to fail

I Hate Me, Part 476,111

 

My band opened up for garage rock forefathers The Standells (“Dirty Water”) a couple of weeks ago. Now my stage banter could charitably be described as understated. I always think that it’s at least 20 minutes between songs ( it isn’t but it feels that way to me) and how many times can you say “thanks for coming out”, “tip your bartender”, “we have merch“. Jon will kick in some banter but between us it sounds like neurosis on parade. Anyhow, as part of my banter I was going to read the poem that Herman Munster read in the episode of The Munsters that The Standells were in. Quality stuff and it would have taken up about a minute, a minute where I wouldn’t have to come up with my own material. So day of the show, I thought “man, I hope I don’t call these guys the fuckin’ Sonics. That would suck” and it stuck in my head. So after the third song of our set, “hey thanks for coming out tonight, we have a few more songs and then The Sonics” I didn’t realize what I said until I looked over at Jon and he gave me a “what the fuck” look. Aaaaauuuuurrrrgggghhhhh!!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUCKKK! I did an imaginary loosening of a too tight tie and tried to explain it away saying that the odd acoustics of the room made it sound like I said Sonics when in fact I said Standells. I’m pretty sure nobody bought it. I never did my Herman Munster poem either.

a weeping H. Munster when he found out I didn't read his poem

a weeping H. Munster when he found out I didn’t read his poem

I Hate Me, part 402,887

I was walking through the municipal parking lot behind the store and I saw somebody I knew, we had a conversation that was conducted about 25 feet from each other. He wanted to lend me a record he just bought which he thought I would like. I didn’t want to borrow it because I’m not a particularly good borrower:
Me-NO THANKS…I’M NOT A GOOD BORROWER!
Luke-…WHAT!
ME- I’M A SHIT BORROWER!
Luke- WHAT!
Me-SHIT BORROWER…I’M A SHIT BORROWER…DON’T LEND ME ANYTHING!
As I yelled “Shit Borrower” I noticed there was a woman putting packages in her car who was glaring at me. I’m now sure it was because I was cursing loudly in the parking lot. Being a mental patient I thought that she thought I literally borrowed shit from people. It was only a fleeting thought but it was enough where I thought I should (over) explain myself.
Me- No..I meant that I’m not good at borrowing things…not the other thing…the other way…that it could be taken…
I got one last well earned glare and she drove off and I slunk back to work

"neither a borrower nor a lender be" especially when it comes to shit

“neither a borrower nor a lender be” especially when it comes to shit

I Hate Me, Part 367,572

 

Had to go to Foodtown this morning. It should have been quick, a surgical strike but with me being me and Foodtown being Foodtown it went south. I got the stuff I needed and headed to the ten items or less checkout. There was one person ahead of me and she had one bottle of juice and she worked at the store, it was almost like there was no people in front of me but..
Cashier- that’ll be $2.99
Woman- wait I have my savings card, it’s on sale..
The woman started to fumble through a gigantic but seemingly well organized wallet that was packed with nothing but savings cards from various stores.
Woman-..it’s in here somewhere…mmmmm…
She found the card but couldn’t get it out of the wallet, it was stuck. She started wrestling with the wallet, knocking other cards out of it. I was running late so I was weighing the funny/annoying ratio, funny was winning for now.
Cashier-…are those all savings cards?
Woman-oh yeah…they really come in handy…I don’t have any credit cards
They start to have a discussion on the pros and cons of credit cards. Now I’m behind this woman but somewhat hidden by a giant lottery ticket vending machine, so I’m thinking that the cashier doesn’t think there’s anybody else in line and she doesn’t have to move things along. So I stepped to my left so she could see that yes there is a line. Unfortunately, I stepped right in the way of an old man with a full cart, he completely nailed me and I dropped my stuff. Everybody stopped and looked at me as I was picking up my stuff.
Old Man..sorry buddy but you should watch where your walking.
The funny/annoying ratio tipped substantially into the annoying side.
The woman finally got her savings card out and was disappointed that her juice wasn’t on sale and another smaller discussion ensued. Months later I got out, humbled and then some.
Foodtown_SF_CIRCUS_logo

I Hate Me, Part 301,561

As I have mentioned before* when I go to the gym (which isn’t nearly enough) I listen to podcasts, usually Best Show/Tom Scharpling. Unfortunately during our Thanksgiving preparations my headphones were misplaced, they weren’t in the “headphone hutch” where they should have been, so I went to the gym unable to block out the other early morning gym enthusiasts. There was this late middle aged guy, one of a group of guys who pal around there like a cross between a high school gym and a coffee klatch. He was on some contraption that was in front of of an elliptical machine I was using, there were a few women on treadmills nearby as well. So this guy is doing his exercise’s but between each movement he’s letting go with a “feel the burn” roar/groan and then when he was done with his reps got up, did a lap around the machine and looked while not looking at the women to see if they were impressed with his workout regime. They didn’t seem to be. He did this for at least the twenty minutes I was using the elliptical machine. Thank god Carrie found my headphones yesterday

*see Blog 659, “Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me”

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