Archive for the ‘ holidays ’ Category

REPRINT: Police Blotter, March 17th

[I've been sorting thru my record collection, thinning the herd and I haven't had much time to write, this is a thing I did about St. Patricks Day a few years ago]

Police Blotter, March 17th

-A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Monday evening. Police are still investigating.

-O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Monday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

-The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Tuesday morning. Police are still investigating.

-The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Tuesday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

-A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Tuesday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

-An altercation Tuesday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

-A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Tuesday Evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.

REPRINT: American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

[Yeah i know another goddamn reprint, but I'm completely under the gun. New stuff by monday. sorry]


American Santa Vs. Russian Santa

While going thru some of my parents’ old things, I came across a cold war era Christmas pamphlet that was distributed by the Bayonne Decency League (the BDL) entitled The American Santa Claus. Here’s an excerpt comparing the American Santa with the Russian Santa:

* The American Santa delivers toys and candy.
* The Russian Santa delivers savage beatings.

* The American Santa wears a red suit the same color as the proud red stripes of the American flag.
* The Russian Santa wears a suit stained red with the blood of innocents.

* The American Santa has friendly, patriotic reindeer pulling his sled thru the night sky.
* The Russian Santa has bloodthirsty flying wolves pulling a dilapidated prison wagon around.

* The American Santa puts toys and treats into stockings hung with care.
* The Russian Santa slops sour borscht into hollowed out peasant feet that are crudely nailed to a wall.

* The American Santa eats milk and cookies left out for him by boys and girls.
* The Russian Santa feasts on childrens dreams and drinks their frightened tears.

Reprint: origin of Halloween Candy

[My computer's hard drive died so I'm running a timely reprint:]
Candy Corn
Candy Corn was invented in NYC during the Great Depression. Candy scholars have pinpointed it’s exact birthplace to the Christian Stout Hearted Men’s Shelter in Hell’s Kitchen in 1931. The shelter run by swedish firebrand Father Stern Oakwas being vandalized regularly by local children. Having no luck with the police in stemming the vandalism, Father Oak decided to take matters into his own hands. Most of the homeless men who drifted into the shelter were in bad physical shape and a good many were losing their teeth. Father Oak methodically collected all the lost teeth and stored them in an empty pickle jar. By the time Halloween rolled around he had a full jar and he would have his revenge on the local pint sized vandals. He bagged the discolored rotten teeth in little wax bags and gave them out to trick or treaters. The rotten teeth had grown soft and the natural sugars in them made them sweet. The children loved this new treat that they called “Bum Teeth”. When it was revealed by a disappointed Father Oak that they were actually the teeth of homeless men, many enterprising young hooligans went after the destitute with a sugar jones and a pair of pliers. The rash of tooth violence against the impoverished reached alarming proportions until the Addams Candy company started selling artificial “Bum Teeth” that they called “Candy Corn” which were made from ground up horse teeth and sugar paste. The recipe was later changed to dandruff and sugar.

Bum Teeth aka Candy Corn or Kandy Korn

The Son Also Sets

only 100 of these were made, beware the brown dice.

This is a reprint from The Manhattaner magazine (Dec, 2010)
Being the son of a minor celebrity has it’s perks as well as it’s drawbacks. Being the son of a minor celebrity with a bad reputation is mostly drawbacks. Being the son of the late infamous “shock rocker” Kevin Michael “GG” Allin and following in his musical footsteps might be the toughest row to hoe. Meet Adof Hiltleer Allin, the twenty five year old son of GG Allin. “Yeah, I know. What’s up with that name, right? Well you know my dad’s crazy sense of humor,  he wanted to name me Adolph Hitler Allin but he was pretty wasted when he was filling out the name card.” Adof’s upbringing was unconventional at best, stories like driving the tour van when he was six years old because he was the most sober don’t paint the whole picture though. “Bet you didn’t know dad was avid Yahtzee player, he was.   Most people think life with GG Allin  was just filth, feces and drugs, and yeah, there was a lot of that but there was also a lot of quiet time, or brain time as dad used to call it. Besides the Yahtzee he was also an amateur botanist and let me tell you when he was wasted and he demanded the correct latin name of a plant, usually something that he had shoved up his ass during a performance and you didn’t know the right name for it, he’d break out the botany books and give long lectures, he was very passionate about it. Some nights the band wouldn’t start the show on time because dad was teaching us about dwarf azaleas or something.” Adof doesn’t like to dwell on his childhood, summing it up with “It was pretty weird being the littlest Murder Junkie” (a reference to Allins band at the time). The young Allin prefers to look to the future, “I’ve taken some cues from dad and I started singing, I’m changing my name to Little Wretched. I’m gonna be doing updated versions of the oldies, Elvis, Little Richard, Roy Orbison stuff like that but I’m gonna add that little extra Allin zing. You know, changing some lyrics, porn ‘em up a little. They’ll be blood, drugs and of course feces and who knows maybe some Yahtzee as well.”

…and amateur botanist

Repost of last years Mothers Day post

Name a Star For Your Mother

(AN ADVERTISEMENT) Starting at $19.95, Name A Star Live is a wonderful, timeless gift. Everyone loves having a star named after them. It’s a meaningful and symbolic gift – perfect for Mother’s Day, a birthday, anniversary, baby shower, thanks to a client or top employee, or just a fun & touching way to say “you’re special.”

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GALAXY:

Alien 1: Good news, we just got images from earth, all their star charts.

Alien 2: Very interesting, lets have a look.

Alien 1: (pointing to the star chart) This star is called Altair, it means Flying Eagle

Alien 2: Very impressive. That’s a strong proud name.

Alien 1: And this one’s called Arcturus, it means Guardian of the Bear

Alien 2: Wow, that’s a bold name. What’s our star named?

Alien 1: mmmmm..let me see…uh.. our star is named….Mrs. Greta Nussbaum

Alien 2: Mrs. Greta Nussbaum?…Is that the name of a powerful animal or a god?

Alien 1: mmmm..um… let’s take a look…No, it appears that Mrs. Greta Nussbaum is an old woman living in a place called New Jersey.

Alien 2: Is she a powerful godlike old woman?

Alien 1: Doesn’t seem to be, her son named a random star for her as a mothers day present. It cost him 20 earth dollars.

Alien 2: What’s wrong with flowers and a card, or a nice dinner? This makes no sense.

Alien 1: He thought the star thing would be more impressive. He did get a plaque and a bracelet with our stars exact location

Alien 2: A Plaque and a bracelet, huh….mmmm…So…let me get this straight…Our star…the thing that gives life to our planet and all the planets in this solar system was named after an old woman, on a whim by an idiot…for 20 earth dollars…This is an insult…..We must destroy earth.
Alien 1: I concur

Name a Star For Your Mother

(AN ADVERTISEMENT)     Starting at $19.95, Name A Star Live is a wonderful, timeless gift. Everyone loves having a star named after them. It’s a meaningful and symbolic gift – perfect for Mother’s Day, a birthday, anniversary, baby shower, thanks to a client or top employee, or just a fun & touching way to say “you’re special.”

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GALAXY:

Alien 1: Good news, we just got images from earth, all their star charts.

Alien 2: Very interesting, lets have a look.

Alien 1: (pointing to the star chart) This star is called Altair, it means Flying Eagle

Alien 2: Very impressive. That’s a strong proud name.

Alien 1: And this one’s called Arcturus, it means Guardian of the Bear

Alien 2: Wow, that’s a bold name. What’s our star named?

Alien 1: mmmmm..let me see…uh.. our star is named….Mrs. Greta Nussbaum

Alien 2: Mrs. Greta Nussbaum?…Is that the name of a powerful animal or a god?

Alien 1: mmmm..um… let’s take a look…No, it appears that Mrs. Greta Nussbaum is an old woman living in a place called New Jersey.

Alien 2: Is she a powerful godlike old woman?

Alien 1: Doesn’t seem to be, her son named a random star for her as a mothers day present. It cost him 20 earth dollars.

Alien 2: What’s wrong with flowers and a card, or a nice dinner? This makes no sense.

Alien 1: He thought the star thing would be more impressive. He did get a plaque and a bracelet with our stars exact location

Alien 2: A Plaque and a bracelet, huh….mmmm…So…let me get this straight…Our star…the thing that gives life to our planet and all the planets in this solar system was named after an old woman,  on a whim by an idiot…for 20 earth dollars…This is an insult…..We must destroy earth.
Alien 1: I concur

If Marv Albert called Good Friday

“Jesus putting a move on Peter…goes to the net…and De-Nied! by Peter…Jesus who’s had a pretty hot hand dribbles left…and with a step…goes to the net..aaannd De-Nied again by Peter…Peter is on fire tonight…and he’s in Jesus’s face….Jesus….slowing things down a bit showing his full repertoire of moves…goes to the baseline….and Re-Jected by Peter…He’s denied Jesus three times…There’s the cock crow and it’s all over.”

St. Patrick and the snakes

-Pious legend credits St. Patrick with banishing snakes from Ireland-

[A pub shortly after St. Patrick got rid of all of Irelands snakes. Patrick (he wasn’t a Saint yet), knocking back a few pints with some friends and celebrating a snake free ireland]  KEY: P-St. Patrick, J-James Fitzhugh



J- “Hey, Patrick!”


P- “You are correct sir. Hey why the long face brother, I just got rid of all the snakes. C’mon have a pint.”


J- “Yeah, I know you got rid of all the goddamned snakes, I’m James Fitzhugh. You know owner of Fitzhughs Snake Circus.”


P- “Uh… so..uh.. how’s it going James….Drink?”


J- “No I don’t want a goddamned drink. How’s it going?! I’ll tell you how it’s going! You just wiped me out. Those were trained snakes, it took me years to train them. You’ve seen it, those snakes would bite their own tail and form a wheel and roll around…It was magnificent! So where are my snakes?”


P- “Um..uh..uh (quietly) I uh led them..um…all the snakes…led them into the sea.”


J- “The sea, the goddamned sea. why?!”


P- “Uh..God…uh… You see God …God told me to.”


J- “…Really? …God told you to. this has nothing to do with me charging your son full price at the Snake Circus last month, does it? I mean Christ, Patrick. It’s kids twelve and under get let in for free and your boy has got to be what, fifteen or so.”


P- “Look, God told me to get rid of the snakes, ok. Deal with it….and…and my son is twelve, he’s just big for his age. He should have been let in for free.”


J- “So it IS about not letting your kid in for free. You bastard, you destroy my business and kill all the snakes in Ireland just to get even with me…out of spite!”


P- “Uh…um…God uh…um…uuh…”


J- “Yeah, yeah I know, your pal God told you to do this. You know you’ve screwed the country with this little stunt, with no snakes we’ll be overrun with toads and rats, nice going.”


P- “Hey James! Is that one of your snakes over there in the corner?”


(of course, there’s no snake but while James is over in the corner frantically looking, Patrick slips out the door)

Little known facts about Presidents Day

Presidents Day is a holiday combining Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays into one blandly homogenous day off and “sale-abration” event. The holiday usually features a lot of ad’s with talking money and vague patriotism. Washington and Lincoln had more in common than just being President, here are a few things.

* Washington and Lincoln both had wooden teeth, although Lincoln had his made into an anklet.

* Both men appointed wolverines to a cabinet post. Washington appointed a wolverine named Doug to the Secretary of the Interior, he is quoted as saying “Who knows the countryside better than a Wolverine? No one, my friends. No one.” Lincoln appointed a wolverine named Peabo Bryson to be Secretary of Wolverine Affairs, a short lived cabinet post.

* Washington had a powdered wig.
Lincoln had a powdered merkin.

* Both men could dig tunnels like moles. This digging prowess earned Washington the nickname “President Chunnel” from the French. While Lincoln’s tunneling skill won him the all important “mole men” vote in the election of 1860.

* Washington chopped down a cherry tree. Lincoln, in his younger days was a prostitute and went by the name Cherry Treat.

December 31st, 2009, 11:58pm

Baby New Year meets Old Man Old Year

[Backstage: Baby New year; top hat, diapers, 2010 sash. Old Man Old Year; top hat diapers, 2009 sash.]

Baby New Year (BNY)-Make way granpa, hot stuff comin’ thru.

Old Man Old Year (OMOY)-Pffffffffffft! Old Man!? I’m 12 months old.

BNY-Sure, that’s great. Move it along old timer.

OMOY-See this sash, it says 2009. Why would an old man be wearing a top hat, diapers and a 2009 sash.

BNY-Mmmmmm I dunno, you’re senile and you shit your pants.

OMOY- Grrrrrrrrr, I’ll shit YOUR pants, boy!

BNY- You’ll shit MY pants, what the fuck does that mean.

OMOY-Look you little asshole have some respect…

BNY- (a dull stare)

OMOY-…gaze upon me for this is your future young one, this is what twelve long months does to you.

BNY-Greeeeaaaaat…are you done flappin’ those old gums.

OMOY- yeah, I guess so…Hey, is there still an open bar.

BNY-Jesus, I’m A FUCKING BABY, I don’t drink, I don’t know if there’s an open bar, I don’t care if there’s an open bar, ok?. Christ look at the time, I gotta go.

OMOY-For fucks sake, can I get a goddamned drink around here!

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