Archive for the ‘ humor? ’ Category

Reprint: the woes of Ike Davis

[This is a reprint from last year when Ike Davis had a terrible start to his year, much like the start he's having this year]

 

A&P Press 6/11/12
by Eddie Yost

The New York Mets are vigorously denying reports concerning a grisly solution to first baseman Ike Davis’s hitting woes. Davis, in his third year was once one of the bright spots in the Mets organization but health issues and an anemic batting average (.167) are troubling.
The shocking rumors state that a ritualistic sacrifice of ex-Met hero and current SNY television announcer Keith Hernandez was considered. Furthermore, Hernandez’s skin was to be fashioned into an unholy uniform for Davis to wear. The hopes being that this would appease the fickle baseball Gods and turn Davis’s season around.
An anonymous source close to the situation said in part, “Yeah, they (the Mets) talked to Hernandez’s people about the sacrifice thing…you know make a big deal out of it, giant stone alter in center field, fire works.. a real event. Of course his (Hernandez’s) people were not into it, at all. Frankly they were appalled..bad scene…believe me, the Metsie’s are gonna need to mend a lot of fences there. But Christ, they gotta do something. Management would be happy if Davis was hitting as good as (Ed) Kranepool or even Tim Harkness.”

'nuff said

’nuff said

 

Odds and Ends

A lot of what I write never makes it to the blog because A) it’s terrible or B) it’s a half formed idea that never really makes it into a complete piece. So here are a couple of partial things that wouldn’t make it on their own and barely make it in this grab bag of mirth:
1)
This is most of the back cover of Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band album Stranger in Town from 1978. These guys were Midwest working class rock guys, their main audience was blue collar rock guys and their ladies. They weren’t flamboyant like Queen, or occulty like Led Zeppelin, or vaguely sci-fi-ish like Rush. Seger was working the same side of the street as Springsteen and Tom Petty. What the hell is going on with the two guys on the right? Seger looks like you’d expect, a bit hipper version of Kenny Rogers and Pinky McSatin looks like he could be auditioning for Journey but its those two guys on the right…
seger

2)
Sean found this drawing in a used book at work, it looks pretty old. I like the addition of the check marks, like there was a list of things to be drawn: Shoulders, check and check, Completed fancy woman with no feet, check
drawing in book

3)
During the horse meat in Ikea story a while ago I was trying to show that there was horse meat in everything Ikea sold, not just the meatballs. It was a fairly thin premise and everything seemed redundant after the first one

"The Snern table, great for dorms or small apartments. Contains only 18% horse meat, earlier models had close to 23%"

“The Snern table, great for dorms or small apartments. Contains only 18% horse meat, earlier models had close to 23%”

Re-post of an old Good Friday/Easter blog

[I did this a couple of years ago, enjoy. Marv Albert is a sports announcer, mainly basketball. He was the voice of the Knicks for years]

If Marv Albert called Good Friday

“Jesus putting a move on Peter…goes to the net…and De-Nied! by Peter…Jesus who’s had a pretty hot hand dribbles left…and with a step…goes to the net..aaannd De-Nied again by Peter…Peter is on fire tonight…and he’s in Jesus’s face….Jesus….slowing things down a bit showing his full repertoire of moves…goes to the baseline….and Re-Jected by Peter…He’s denied Jesus three times…There’s the cock crow and it’s all over.”

Marv Albert

Marv Albert

REPRINT: Police Blotter, March 17th

[I've been sorting thru my record collection, thinning the herd and I haven't had much time to write, this is a thing I did about St. Patricks Day a few years ago]

Police Blotter, March 17th

-A billboard for the “Friends Of the Snakes” foundation on rte. 22 in Bippo County was defaced and set on fire early Monday evening. Police are still investigating.

-O’Malleys Wooden Staff Emporium (18 Finch Drive), was robbed at approximately 11pm Monday evening. Police say that three wooden staffs with a value of $100 each were stolen. A spokesman for the emporium describes the staffs as the “St. Patrick” model, a 4 ft. tall wooden staff in the shape of a stretched out snake. Police are still investigating.

-The offices of Snake Herders Union Local 701 were vandalized early Tuesday morning. Police are still investigating.

-The Dublin Arms apartment complex (7 Kranepool Ave.) was vandalized at 8am Tuesday morning. Approximately $500 in damages was done to the complex. The suspect is described by witnesses as being a late middle aged white male with a long beard, wearing a robe and carrying a large stick. When confronted by the landlord the suspect said he was looking to rid the area of snakes. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived.

-A burglary was reported at Snakeville Pet store, (75 Petstore Ave.) 11am Tuesday morning. Approximately 25 snakes were stolen. Police are still investigating.

-An altercation Tuesday evening at O’Flannerhans Irish Trinity House Bar, 15 Oxnard Avenue is being investigated. A fight broke out at approximately 8pm between members of the staff and a patron who refused to pay the $5 cover charge claiming he was St. Patrick. The suspect described as an older white male, with a long beard and dressed only in a robe appeared to be drunk and caused approximately $2000 in damages with a large wooden pole he was carrying. The suspect escaped on foot before police arrived and witness’ say the suspect was followed by 10 to 15 snakes.

-A man listed as “John Doe” was found unconscious at Heron Leg Park late Tuesday Evening. The man an older white male wearing only a robe is believed to be suffering from numerous snake bites and is in intensive care at Bonaparte Hospital.

REPRINT:Yaz

[with Miguel Cabrera being the first player since 1967 to win baseball's triple crown, I'm reprinting a piece on the last triple crown winner, Carl Yastrzemski and his patented birth control pills]

(A&P Press, Kelly Stinnett)
(Montvale N.J.) Bayer pharmaceuticals bending to government pressure has released a statement explaining how their YAZ birth control pill works. The official statement which is a 10 page document can be broken down into a few understandable points:

* Boston Red Sox star and Hall of Famer (elected 1989) Carl “Yaz” Yastrzemski is multiply cloned and is shrunk down to approx. 1/100,000th of his original size.

* Thousands of “lil Yaz’s” are put into pills, armed with tiny baseball bats.

* After the YAZ contraceptive pill is taken, the microscopic Yaz’s burst free from their pills and form perimeters around unfertilized eggs.

* When sperm attempts to gain access to the egg they are attacked by thousands of bat wielding tiny Yaz’s

* Yaz’s success rate is 99% when taken according to instructions.

This “Yaz”…

…is made from this “Yaz”

 

Mike Love’s history of being a dick

Mike Love’s firing of the other surviving members of The Beach Boys for an upcoming tour is another in a long line of questionable moves he has made in his life, others include

*Investing all of The Beach Boys money in Mike Love’s Hats and Such. A failed chain of hat and hat accessory stores.

*Suggesting to Charles Manson that he should give up music and start a murderous cult.

*Replacing the members of The Beach Boys with the entire cast of Full House.

*Replacing the members of The Beach Boys with the entire cast of Barney Miller.

*Temporarily changing the name to The Beach Boyz, in an attempt to cash in with a hipper, urban audience.

*Tried to adopt Brian Wilson, twice.

*Attempted to set up a steel cage death match between Paul McCartney and Brian Wilson.

*Claiming to have written all of Brian Wilson’s songs but giving Wilson credit, because he felt bad for him.

REPRINT: My Presidential Hair

[NOTE: I've been really busy at work and haven't been able to post as much as I've wanted, here's an old one from 2009]

There’s an old saying that goes something along the lines of “Any little boy can grow up to be president of the United States”. Well my parents bought into that and I was going to be presidential material. Unfortunately at an early age my parents discovered they were wrong. My political speeches as a six year old were laughable, one memorable speech at the VFW hall comparing the escalation of the war in Viet-Nam to bad halloween candy (especially Bit-O-Honey) almost got us thrown out of our neighborhood. There was also the milk money scandal in third grade so my political future looked bleak. Then one day my mom noticed that my hair looked like Kennedy hair and there was still hope for their presidential aspirations for me. When I lost the election for class president in fifth grade to a portrait of Thomas Jefferson we all knew that politics were over for me. However, my parents continued to compare my hair to the presidents. “You’re looking a little James Polk-ish there, time for a haircut young man” my father told me once, and another time “Who do you think you are, Chester A. Arthur! Trim those side burns”. One time while taking acid I experimented with a stove pipe hat and a neck beard, I was thrown out of the house for a month. So today my wife suggested that maybe it was time to get a hair cut and when I looked in the mirror I realized that my presidential hair forefathers were Millard Filmore and Martin Van Buren

MIllard Fillmore

Martin Van Buren

my presidential hair

 

 

The Films of Whitey Herzog

 

[I stayed up late watching the Mets lose, so i didn't get time to write anything, here's a reprint from a couple of years ago]

(Criterion Collection: 2 DVD set, $49.95)

The Criterion Collection has once again gone to the vaults to present an important yet overlooked filmmaker, in this case World Series winning manager Whitey Herzog. While greatly overshadowed cinematically by his brother Werner, Whiteys movies are pivotal in the evolution of filmmaking and they take on subjects that although altered would surface in his brothers films years later. Whitey’s first feature 1948’s Abner: The Anger of God (originally released through Filmtown Studios) is a hallucinatory retelling of the origin of baseball, the film takes place on an abandoned steamboat on the Mississippi river. The film made no money, got horrible reviews, and put the struggling Filmtown Studios out of business. However, an impressed Orson Welles saw the film and declared that it was a masterpiece and financed Herzogs second feature, Mister Hildago (released 1952, Wellfilms Studios). Welles not only financed but starred in Mister Hildago, which told the story of a minor league baseball team with a broken team bus that had to be dragged across the Appalachian Mountains. Mister Hildago was another bomb. Herzog and Welles never worked together again due to a heated argument over the infield fly rule. A disillusioned Herzog left his cinematic dreams to his younger brother Werner and had a hugely influential career in baseball. In Orson Welles autobiography Well, Well, Welles (1976, Remainder & Sons) he called Whitey Herzog “A complete ass, but not an untalented one”. In a 1981 Sports Illustrated interview when asked about his movie making past Herzog responded “I would call Orson Welles a louse but I don’t want to demean louses”.
The Criterion Collection 2 DVD set includes both Abner: The Anger of God and Mister Hildago in newly restored widescreen digital transfer. Also included is the short film, Evolution of the Balk (1949, 22 minutes) , two episodes of the unaired television series Umpy! -”Umpire by Day, Detective by Night”, which starred Larry Storch (1952, 46 minutes) and an interview with both Whitey & Werner Herzog on the David Susskind show (1983, 43 minutes).

The Brothers Herzog, Whitey

and Werner

 

Sound Effects: Death & Horror

I found this sound effects record and I really dig the cover. It’s from the BBC (1977) and the artist is Andrew Prewett. [Click on images to enlarge]


The Mechanical Horse/Pony

Over the years I’ve gotten some pretty good bookshelves and chairs on “big garbage night” or as the town calls it “Large Trash Pickup”. Red Bank has these a couple of times a year. The night before the pickup when the curbs are filled with the oversized and the unwanted, it’s like a town wide garage sale for ghosts. Most of the stuff we put out at the last one was gone before the town trucks came by. A couple of days after the last one my wife saw a freakish mechanical horse/pony standing guard outside a neighbors house. It was too late for the pickup and was just sitting there in hopes that someone would take it. We ended up with it. It’s now sitting on our porch taking up room and making the dog act suspicious. There’s a giant hole in it’s stomach where the batteries used to go, I suggested that we film the mechanical horse/pony giving birth to our dog Lucy in some horror movie infused unholy c-section. Carrie’s not really on board with the idea but I signed the dog to a three picture deal.

The horse with no name

The battery womb

The star of “Unholy Horse Dog Birth!”, (the title might need some punching up)

 

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