Archive for the ‘ humor? ’ Category

Reprint: origin of candy corn

Candy Corn
Candy Corn was invented in NYC during the Great Depression. Candy scholars have pinpointed it’s exact birthplace to the Christian Stout Hearted Men’s Shelter in Hell’s Kitchen in 1931. The shelter run by swedish firebrand, Father Stern Oak. Oak, who was being vandalized regularly by local children was having no luck with the police in stemming the vandalism and decided to take matters into his own hands. Most of the homeless men who drifted into the shelter were in bad physical shape and a good many were losing their teeth. Father Oak methodically collected all the lost teeth and stored them in an empty pickle jar. By the time Halloween rolled around he had a full jar and he would have his revenge on the local pint sized vandals. He bagged the discolored rotten teeth in little wax bags and gave them out to trick or treaters. The rotten teeth had grown soft and the natural sugars in them made them sweet. The children loved this new treat that they called “Bum Teeth”. When it was revealed by a disappointed Father Oak that they were actually the teeth of homeless men, many enterprising young hooligans went after the destitute with a sugar jones and a pair of pliers. The rash of tooth violence against the impoverished reached alarming proportions until the Addams Candy company started selling artificial “Bum Teeth” that they called “Candy Corn” which were made from ground up horse teeth and sugar paste. The recipe was later changed to dandruff and sugar.

Bum Teeth, aka Candy Corn, Kandy Korn, or in health food stores, Quandy Quorn

Bum Teeth, aka Candy Corn, Kandy Korn, or in health food stores, Quandy Quorn

Monmouth County question

I’ve lived in Monmouth County (or Mammoth Country as a drunken friend of mine once misread it) most of my life and I’ve seen the county seal but have no idea what it stands for. It looks like a child’s drawing of a pirate ship or a drawing I would do if somebody asked me to draw the cover for Focus*-Mother minus the woman.  I’m sure when Sam Monmouth, the inventor of Monmouth County was designing the county logo he didn’t go to his son Sam Monmouth Jr. and ask him to draw a pirate ship or maybe he did.
Sam Monmouth: Hear ye, Hear ye. I have a logo for the great county of Monmouth
he unveils it in a grand flourish
Crowd-(stunned silence)….(then various comments)…It’s hideous!….What did your kid draw it!…BOOOO!…HISSSS!…You’ve cheapened the county…You Monster!…
The crowd starts throwing things.
Sam Monmouth: AAAUURGGHHHH!!! …..I’ll kill all of you!!
Crowd-(as one) Burn the Monster!!
And the crowd got a bunch of torches and pitchforks and marched on Castle Monmouth burning it to the ground. This story was later rewritten as Frankenstein

(*of “hocus pocus by focus” fame)

Seal of Monmouth County

Seal of Monmouth County

Mother by Focus

Mother by Focus

 

I got nothin’/marital advice

It has been about a week since I posted last, and I got nothin’. Except a little bit of marital advice. If you are ever in a mildly heated discussion with your significant other. Something like who’s fault it is that the house is littered with comic books and old albums. And if you know you’re on the wrong side of history, the best thing to do is in mid conversation hold up your hand and in a quiet patronizing tone say “It’s ok, apology accepted” and stand back. There will be a couple of seconds to let the full weight of the idiocy of the statement sink in … and well you can figure out the rest. It’s actually never worked but it does change the direction of the conversation, so there’s that.

My Einstein Moment

People of genius have their signature thing. Einstein had his Theory of Relativity and Tom Carvel had Cookie Puss. Unfortunately mine is lower down on the genius scale, here it is.  It’s an idea for a commercial for Purina Meow Mix. The setting is a glitzy Las Vegas show room. The room is filled with cats, cats dressed as people and they’re acting like people, albeit people with cat heads and paws. On the stage is a cat who is reminiscent of Mister Tom Jones and he’s singing…..”What’s New Pussycat” and the cat crowd responds “Meow, meow meow meow”. Then run the tag line “The food cats ask for by name”. Pow! You’re welcome
Meow-Mix

Micro-Refurbishing (Reprint)

[work has been crazy, and the heat , and I'm lazy, and anything I'm writing is awful(er). So here's a re-print]

 

 

Doing Their Part #1: Micro-Refurbishing

From time to time we here at Ugh! like to tip our hats to people who make a difference in our society. The following is an excerpt from The Manhattaner magazine (April, 2010).
Walt Terrell is a 48 year old salesman, he’s married with two children and he lives in Brooklyn. He cares deeply for the city and he wanted to do his part. After months of planning he hit upon an idea, he’s now the face of a new movement he’s hoping will sweep the nation, Micro-Refurbishing. We’ll let Walt describe what it’s all about, “Well, most people want to help change things for the better but they don’t know where to start. They usually attempt something big, they’re going for the grand gesture and when it doesn’t happen fast enough or they encounter some obstacle they get disappointed and quit. With micro-refurbishing we start small. I’ll give you an example, the Brooklyn Bridge is a national treasure but it gets a little shabby from time to time, so over a six week period last year I refurbished a bolt on the pedestrian walkway, well not the whole bolt, just the top part. I cleaned it with a wire brush and steel wool than I primed it and painted it. Good as new, actually I think it looks better than new. It makes the city a little bit better. I know this is still a pretty new idea and it’s blowing peoples minds, but I believe in it and I’m trying to get some corporate funding to keep going with it.” Walt has set up a website for interested parties http://www.microfurb.com MICRO-REFURBISHING: THINK SMALL, THEN THINK SMALLER

The bolt that walt refurbished

The bolt that walt refurbished

Message from the U.S. Rainwear Coalition (USRC) to Radio & Television Broadcasters

With a lot of extreme weather buffeting the country lately we at the USRC have noticed a disturbing trend. When rain is in the forecast most news anchors and meteorologists say “bring an umbrella”. While an umbrella is fine for a rain shower it is not the best choice for a lot of the extreme wet weather we have seen lately. We are a non-political coalition and as such will not blame “Global Warming” on the weather, we know that’s God’s providence. We would however like to urge broadcasters nationwide to change the phrase “bring an umbrella” to “wear a raincoat”, or perhaps “wear a raincoat, because umbrellas are for the most part cheaply made and extremely dangerous”. Most rainwear is american made or at least american sold. Do you know who the transient is on the corner hawking sub par umbrella’s? Of course not. Now we’re not saying that all umbrella sellers are terrorists but with heightened security concerns you can never be too sure. Be patriotic, buy rainwear instead of an umbrella. Remember, “As goes rainwear, so goes America.”

These colors don't run (with proper care)

These colors don’t run (with proper care)

Fabian 16 Greatest Hits

Got in a copy of this record a few days ago and I really don’t know what the hell is going on with the cover. Look at his head! The illustration is by Dave McMackan
photo
2 fabian
fabian 2A

Reprint: the woes of Ike Davis

[This is a reprint from last year when Ike Davis had a terrible start to his year, much like the start he's having this year]

 

A&P Press 6/11/12
by Eddie Yost

The New York Mets are vigorously denying reports concerning a grisly solution to first baseman Ike Davis’s hitting woes. Davis, in his third year was once one of the bright spots in the Mets organization but health issues and an anemic batting average (.167) are troubling.
The shocking rumors state that a ritualistic sacrifice of ex-Met hero and current SNY television announcer Keith Hernandez was considered. Furthermore, Hernandez’s skin was to be fashioned into an unholy uniform for Davis to wear. The hopes being that this would appease the fickle baseball Gods and turn Davis’s season around.
An anonymous source close to the situation said in part, “Yeah, they (the Mets) talked to Hernandez’s people about the sacrifice thing…you know make a big deal out of it, giant stone alter in center field, fire works.. a real event. Of course his (Hernandez’s) people were not into it, at all. Frankly they were appalled..bad scene…believe me, the Metsie’s are gonna need to mend a lot of fences there. But Christ, they gotta do something. Management would be happy if Davis was hitting as good as (Ed) Kranepool or even Tim Harkness.”

'nuff said

’nuff said

 

Odds and Ends

A lot of what I write never makes it to the blog because A) it’s terrible or B) it’s a half formed idea that never really makes it into a complete piece. So here are a couple of partial things that wouldn’t make it on their own and barely make it in this grab bag of mirth:
1)
This is most of the back cover of Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band album Stranger in Town from 1978. These guys were Midwest working class rock guys, their main audience was blue collar rock guys and their ladies. They weren’t flamboyant like Queen, or occulty like Led Zeppelin, or vaguely sci-fi-ish like Rush. Seger was working the same side of the street as Springsteen and Tom Petty. What the hell is going on with the two guys on the right? Seger looks like you’d expect, a bit hipper version of Kenny Rogers and Pinky McSatin looks like he could be auditioning for Journey but its those two guys on the right…
seger

2)
Sean found this drawing in a used book at work, it looks pretty old. I like the addition of the check marks, like there was a list of things to be drawn: Shoulders, check and check, Completed fancy woman with no feet, check
drawing in book

3)
During the horse meat in Ikea story a while ago I was trying to show that there was horse meat in everything Ikea sold, not just the meatballs. It was a fairly thin premise and everything seemed redundant after the first one

"The Snern table, great for dorms or small apartments. Contains only 18% horse meat, earlier models had close to 23%"

“The Snern table, great for dorms or small apartments. Contains only 18% horse meat, earlier models had close to 23%”

Re-post of an old Good Friday/Easter blog

[I did this a couple of years ago, enjoy. Marv Albert is a sports announcer, mainly basketball. He was the voice of the Knicks for years]

If Marv Albert called Good Friday

“Jesus putting a move on Peter…goes to the net…and De-Nied! by Peter…Jesus who’s had a pretty hot hand dribbles left…and with a step…goes to the net..aaannd De-Nied again by Peter…Peter is on fire tonight…and he’s in Jesus’s face….Jesus….slowing things down a bit showing his full repertoire of moves…goes to the baseline….and Re-Jected by Peter…He’s denied Jesus three times…There’s the cock crow and it’s all over.”

Marv Albert

Marv Albert

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