Archive for the ‘ humor? ’ Category

reprint: Town Frowner

[I was taking the garbage out to the curb this morning. In it was a large packing box, some of it could have been recycled but it was festooned with packing styrofoam and I just said fuck it and put it out with the trash. A neighbor walked by and gave me the stink eye because I should have recycled it. To make a boring story even longer, it reminded me of a blog I posted awhile ago. drum roll....]

Town Frowner
Times are tough and sometimes you have to be inventive to find your own niche. With this in mind here’s a new job I invented just for me, The Town Frowner. A brief explanation: I would be hired by the town of Red Bank (where I live and work) to walk around town*. Wherever there was new construction or building improvements I would go and stand in front of the building in question, wearing a ceremonial uniform (based on those worn by European royalty; a crown,ermine cape and bejeweled scepter) and depending on my mood, either smile or frown. A smile would mean “good job, carry on” and I’d add a small positive comment like “That bird feeder looks like a tiny version of your house, well done” or “Kudos, those gargoyles are sufficiently gruesome”. Of course a frown would be a death knell for the project and all work would stop. A short derisive comment would be added as well, for example “ Hold up there buddy, a two car garage?! Who do you think you are Donald Trump?”, or “What’s with the new lawn? You’re setting a bad example for us plain folks, just paint the dirt green like the pilgrims did.” or “Two dogs!?! What do think this is a zoo?” Ok, to be honest I’ve been doing the Town Frowner thing on a freelance basis for awhile now and I’ve actually said those things to various townsfolk. Unfortunately most people don’t take my criticism in the spirit it was given and I’ve heard it all from my so-called neighbors; “nut job”, “Get off my property”, “kook”, “Is that my veal?”, “crazy person”, “put on some pants”. I’ve also been pelted with rocks and garbage, but I’m not giving up. I think if I was made official Town Frowner incidents of punching and insulting me would go down and I wouldn’t be arrested as much. Clearly a win, win situation. Your move Red Bank.

*If it was inclement weather I would have a horse drawn carriage at my disposal


More trouble for Led Zeppelin

By G.T. Seaver, The A&P press

The rock band Led Zeppelin has been in the news of late. With the start of a massive reissue series of their back catalog and legal problems stemming from a song writing dispute concerning their song “stairway to heaven” (a heavy staple of classic rock radio). Now more problems seem to be on the horizon for the still popular rock band as professor John Milner a musicologist at Norton University has made a shocking claim. “It appears that the band Led Zeppelin wrote none of their own songs, they are all stolen from other bands, individuals or in a small number of cases very intelligent pets”. Professor Milner goes on to say “The only song we think they might have written themselves was Hot Dog from the album In Through The Out Door”. A comprehensive list of all of Led Zeppelin’s songs and the artists that professor Milner claims to have written them will be forth coming. There has been no response from any Led Zeppelin representatives.


Yet another million dollar idea


Greg Kihn


Greg Kihn was/is a rock guy who had a few power-poppish hits in the mid-eighties. The thing I remember most about him was how he worked his name into most of his album titles: “Rockihnroll”, “Kihntinued”, “Kihnspiracy”, and “Kihntagious” to name a few. He stopped making records in the 90’s, I don’t know if he just moved on or if he ran out of album names that worked his own name cleverly into the title. If it’s the second reason, here’s a few that just might re-energize his career, you’re welcome.

-Kihn Do! (maybe multiple exclamation points?)

-ReKihnsider Baby

-Kihndred Spirits (his duets album)

-President Kihnedy

-I left my heart in Kihntucky (country album)

-Lynyrd Skihnyrd (power pop versions of Lynyrd Skynyrd, If this is popular perhaps a collection of “grunge” songs as Skihn Yard)

-Kihnadian Tour



Reprint: origin of candy corn

Candy Corn
Candy Corn was invented in NYC during the Great Depression. Candy scholars have pinpointed it’s exact birthplace to the Christian Stout Hearted Men’s Shelter in Hell’s Kitchen in 1931. The shelter run by swedish firebrand, Father Stern Oak. Oak, who was being vandalized regularly by local children was having no luck with the police in stemming the vandalism and decided to take matters into his own hands. Most of the homeless men who drifted into the shelter were in bad physical shape and a good many were losing their teeth. Father Oak methodically collected all the lost teeth and stored them in an empty pickle jar. By the time Halloween rolled around he had a full jar and he would have his revenge on the local pint sized vandals. He bagged the discolored rotten teeth in little wax bags and gave them out to trick or treaters. The rotten teeth had grown soft and the natural sugars in them made them sweet. The children loved this new treat that they called “Bum Teeth”. When it was revealed by a disappointed Father Oak that they were actually the teeth of homeless men, many enterprising young hooligans went after the destitute with a sugar jones and a pair of pliers. The rash of tooth violence against the impoverished reached alarming proportions until the Addams Candy company started selling artificial “Bum Teeth” that they called “Candy Corn” which were made from ground up horse teeth and sugar paste. The recipe was later changed to dandruff and sugar.

Bum Teeth, aka Candy Corn, Kandy Korn, or in health food stores, Quandy Quorn

Bum Teeth, aka Candy Corn, Kandy Korn, or in health food stores, Quandy Quorn

Monmouth County question

I’ve lived in Monmouth County (or Mammoth Country as a drunken friend of mine once misread it) most of my life and I’ve seen the county seal but have no idea what it stands for. It looks like a child’s drawing of a pirate ship or a drawing I would do if somebody asked me to draw the cover for Focus*-Mother minus the woman.  I’m sure when Sam Monmouth, the inventor of Monmouth County was designing the county logo he didn’t go to his son Sam Monmouth Jr. and ask him to draw a pirate ship or maybe he did.
Sam Monmouth: Hear ye, Hear ye. I have a logo for the great county of Monmouth
he unveils it in a grand flourish
Crowd-(stunned silence)….(then various comments)…It’s hideous!….What did your kid draw it!…BOOOO!…HISSSS!…You’ve cheapened the county…You Monster!…
The crowd starts throwing things.
Sam Monmouth: AAAUURGGHHHH!!! …..I’ll kill all of you!!
Crowd-(as one) Burn the Monster!!
And the crowd got a bunch of torches and pitchforks and marched on Castle Monmouth burning it to the ground. This story was later rewritten as Frankenstein

(*of “hocus pocus by focus” fame)

Seal of Monmouth County

Seal of Monmouth County

Mother by Focus

Mother by Focus


I got nothin’/marital advice

It has been about a week since I posted last, and I got nothin’. Except a little bit of marital advice. If you are ever in a mildly heated discussion with your significant other. Something like who’s fault it is that the house is littered with comic books and old albums. And if you know you’re on the wrong side of history, the best thing to do is in mid conversation hold up your hand and in a quiet patronizing tone say “It’s ok, apology accepted” and stand back. There will be a couple of seconds to let the full weight of the idiocy of the statement sink in … and well you can figure out the rest. It’s actually never worked but it does change the direction of the conversation, so there’s that.

My Einstein Moment

People of genius have their signature thing. Einstein had his Theory of Relativity and Tom Carvel had Cookie Puss. Unfortunately mine is lower down on the genius scale, here it is.  It’s an idea for a commercial for Purina Meow Mix. The setting is a glitzy Las Vegas show room. The room is filled with cats, cats dressed as people and they’re acting like people, albeit people with cat heads and paws. On the stage is a cat who is reminiscent of Mister Tom Jones and he’s singing…..”What’s New Pussycat” and the cat crowd responds “Meow, meow meow meow”. Then run the tag line “The food cats ask for by name”. Pow! You’re welcome

Micro-Refurbishing (Reprint)

[work has been crazy, and the heat , and I'm lazy, and anything I'm writing is awful(er). So here's a re-print]



Doing Their Part #1: Micro-Refurbishing

From time to time we here at Ugh! like to tip our hats to people who make a difference in our society. The following is an excerpt from The Manhattaner magazine (April, 2010).
Walt Terrell is a 48 year old salesman, he’s married with two children and he lives in Brooklyn. He cares deeply for the city and he wanted to do his part. After months of planning he hit upon an idea, he’s now the face of a new movement he’s hoping will sweep the nation, Micro-Refurbishing. We’ll let Walt describe what it’s all about, “Well, most people want to help change things for the better but they don’t know where to start. They usually attempt something big, they’re going for the grand gesture and when it doesn’t happen fast enough or they encounter some obstacle they get disappointed and quit. With micro-refurbishing we start small. I’ll give you an example, the Brooklyn Bridge is a national treasure but it gets a little shabby from time to time, so over a six week period last year I refurbished a bolt on the pedestrian walkway, well not the whole bolt, just the top part. I cleaned it with a wire brush and steel wool than I primed it and painted it. Good as new, actually I think it looks better than new. It makes the city a little bit better. I know this is still a pretty new idea and it’s blowing peoples minds, but I believe in it and I’m trying to get some corporate funding to keep going with it.” Walt has set up a website for interested parties MICRO-REFURBISHING: THINK SMALL, THEN THINK SMALLER

The bolt that walt refurbished

The bolt that walt refurbished

Message from the U.S. Rainwear Coalition (USRC) to Radio & Television Broadcasters

With a lot of extreme weather buffeting the country lately we at the USRC have noticed a disturbing trend. When rain is in the forecast most news anchors and meteorologists say “bring an umbrella”. While an umbrella is fine for a rain shower it is not the best choice for a lot of the extreme wet weather we have seen lately. We are a non-political coalition and as such will not blame “Global Warming” on the weather, we know that’s God’s providence. We would however like to urge broadcasters nationwide to change the phrase “bring an umbrella” to “wear a raincoat”, or perhaps “wear a raincoat, because umbrellas are for the most part cheaply made and extremely dangerous”. Most rainwear is american made or at least american sold. Do you know who the transient is on the corner hawking sub par umbrella’s? Of course not. Now we’re not saying that all umbrella sellers are terrorists but with heightened security concerns you can never be too sure. Be patriotic, buy rainwear instead of an umbrella. Remember, “As goes rainwear, so goes America.”

These colors don't run (with proper care)

These colors don’t run (with proper care)

Fabian 16 Greatest Hits

Got in a copy of this record a few days ago and I really don’t know what the hell is going on with the cover. Look at his head! The illustration is by Dave McMackan
2 fabian
fabian 2A


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