Archive for the ‘ Uncategorized ’ Category
Went to Foodtown the other night for some supplies, which included apples. Their apples were terrible, like red balloons full of mush. So I headed over to Whole Foods, Bought the stuff I needed, (the Pink Lady apples were pretty good) and headed to the checkout. There was one woman ahead of me, the checkout conveyer wasn’t full of food so I figured it wouldn’t be long and I plopped my groceries down. I ran into my brother-in-law there, he was in the next checkout line and we were shooting the shit about comic books and other world altering stuff. His line which had many people on it was moving quickly and I realized that mine hadn’t moved at all. I looked and there was the same amount of groceries from the woman in front still on the conveyer. I didn’t know what was going on until I saw the woman still had a full cart of food but was deciding on each piece of food before she put it on the conveyer. She was adding another step to the drudgery of shopping. Instead of what most people do which would be “Hey, I want 6 apples. These look good.”, she had bags of produce and then was thinning the herd at the counter. “I only want these three tomatoes, I don’t want the other two”, “mmmmm Yeah I don’t want this celery….wait wait…I take that back but I don’t want this one.” This went on for a long time, Dave had finished checking out and came over, we were exchanging some “WTF” looks, I’d never seen anything like it. Finally somebody came over from customer service and offered to ring me up at the customer service desk, and the long national nightmare was over.”
I usually make my own lunch for work, in an effort to try and eat healthier. Most days I’ll finish it off with a low fat yogurt. After finishing a salad I was treating myself to Dannon “Light & Fit” raspberry yogurt. It doesn’t taste terrible, however the purplish color of it resembles nothing in the natural world. Unfortunately we had run out of spoons. I was furiously tearing apart the lunch table looking for a spoon, nothing. So I decided to use a fork. What’s a fork but a more adventurous spork and I could eat yogurt with a spork. So if I ate it really fast, and used a shoveling motion it might work. Looking back, I should have taped up the fork making it more spoon-like but hindsight is always 20-20. It ended up being a mess, with me having to change my shirt and the great “Yogurt with a Fork” debate was settled.
Flair Magazine from 1950 lasted a year. It was an early example of magazine as art object. It was a lavish magazine, most issues had die cut covers, fold out pages, and attached inserts. Contributor’s included Dali, Tennessee Williams, Jean Cocteau and Saul Steinberg. The high cost of producing it killed the magazine pretty quickly. My mother had a complete set and while I’m sure there are sites out there dedicated to Flair, I don’t know if anybody ever posted some of the small black and white spot ads from it. Here are a few: [click on image to enlarge]
[This reads a little cranky, sorry]
I had to go to Foodtown. As I was going to grab a cart, a woman sent her small child to get one as well. This kid was young, barely passed toddler and this task was above her level of competence. I know that kids should be encouraged to do things, it’s how they grow but at the same time, pick your spots. If there’s a long line at Starbucks don’t have your child stammer out your intricate latte order, it’s not cute and everybody in line hates you. Same thing here, if there are people waiting to grab a shopping cart, don’t send your overmatched child to wrestle with one for two minutes while you’re talking on your phone. By the time her child had won her battle with the cart there were three other people (one with children) also waiting for carts. The woman shot us a look and went into the store. Once in the store I went about my business, as I was passing the deli section I saw the same woman at the counter holding up her child who repeated the order that was being whispered into her ear. The deli clerk had a blank look of disgust. I got the rest of my stuff and went to the check out and aauughhh! I was stuck behind the woman and her child. Nothing happened but some of the woman’s groceries weren’t on the conveyer belt and were stuck at the end. She didn’t notice it so I moved it onto the belt, “That’s my food.” I explained that they were stuck and I moved them, this earned an eyebrow raise and some guy who just finished bagging, wearing a shirt with Jesus wearing sunglasses and “I’ll be back” written on it gave me the stink eye as well. Just get me outta here, I rang up my stuff and was ready to pay. There’s this thing called Blink, it’s a sensor on the card machine where you don’t have to swipe, just put the card near it. I’ve never used it, until…
“Ok you paid”
“No I didn’t, I didn’t swipe my card yet”
“The Blink thing got the information”
I was suddenly that old guy who had fallen behind technology and a younger person has to explain basic concepts in calm measured tones that one would associate with a sanitarium. The kid to his credit was explaining Blink to me, possibly over explaining it. I got the concept after the first couple of seconds, and the checkout line was growing. “ok……ok…okokok..I got it..yup…got it….thanks…sorry…thanks.” I was the asshole holding up the line, I grabbed my shit and slunk out.
A short note on my complete shallowness
For Christmas last year my brother bought my wife and I a Roku Box, it’s one of those devices where you can watch shows on Netflix. It was a great gift but I am terrible with most technology. I can muddle through but things usually break. I know slightly more than my wife does, which in the long run helps nobody and usually ends with me staring at the ground muttering “I’m sorry, I don’t fuckin’ know.” A technological equivalent of getting your ass kicked in a bar fight in front of your wife. My brother also mentioned that he wasn’t feeling good and he was going to the doctor. A couple of weeks later, I called him and was going to work into the conversation how I could use his help setting up the Roku Box. Before I could, he said that the doctor wanted to take a few tests. Which is never a phrase you want to hear, this also meant I would have to put off the Roku talk for a little while. A week later I called to see how he was doing, not good. The doctor hadn’t liked what he had seen in the last test and wanted to do something of a more invasive nature. There’s really nothing you can say at a time like that outside of a few hackneyed pep talkish chestnuts. If you get heavy and personal, it bums out the person who’s sick, “hey, I’m sure it’s nothin’…he’s just being thorough.” I was pretty freaked out (not as much as my brother of course), but in the back of my mind, a tiny part was yelling “you’re never gonna get that fuckin’ Roku Box set up.” I went with him a few weeks later to the doctor where he had to get the results from a further procedure, we’re both more than a little weirded out. Sitting in the office waiting, rifling through old copies of Time magazine, not saying anything. I started thinking, worst case scenario he has to go through some sort of treatment. I know what would take his mind off of it, a small task. A small task like…setting up our Roku Box. I was hit with a tsunami of self loathing, am I that fucking shallow. Yes. A few minutes later, doctor calls him in. Everything’s fine, no problem, better be safe than sorry, etc. So the story has a happy ending, except our Roku Box still isn’t set up yet.