I Hate me, Part 170,991
I know this is a bit late for a story about Christmas but I wasn’t writing a lot then so I figured why write it now before I forget it.
Carrie wanted a new Blue Tooth for Christmas. Now, I’m not a real big fan of Blue Tooths or Blue Teeth (I’m not sure what’s grammatically correct). I associate them with rude, oblivious douchebags. I’m sure this isn’t the case with the majority of people who use them, Carrie uses hers when she walks the dog and she loves it. The one she had was falling apart and I was hoping that it would last until Christmas morning. I got a nice one online and I had planned it to be a major part of her Christmas present, if not the lynchpin then at least a major part of it. Well about a week before Christmas her Blue Tooth finally died while she was walking the dog and she stopped by work to tell me about it
Carrie: The goddamn Blue Tooth died
Me: Yeah, that sucks…sorry
Carrie: Yeah, I’m gonna have to get another one. I really need it when I walk Lucy.
-about 30 seconds of silence-
Me: …Alright!… Don’t buy one…..I got you one for Christmas
Carrie: Jesus, you really caved in fast on that. I wasn’t gonna buy one until after Christmas.
Me: Oh…ok, well how about you tell me something that you got me for Christmas…kind of even things out
Carrie: (stare)
Me: I was tricking you…I didn’t get you a Blue Tooth…I just wanted you to think I did…good acting huh?
Carrie: (stare)
Me: No?…Ok, we could go back in the wayback machine to five minutes ago and I won’t tell that I got you a new Blue Tooth.
Carrie: (laughing) I can’t believe you caved so fast.
The sad fact is although I’m good with regular secrets, I’m terrible with birthday and Christmas present secrets. If I was a spy, the way to break me (outside of the threat or even hint of torture) would be to tell me that the secrets I had were actually a birthday present.
This is not the Blue Tooth I got Carrie
Wow, Carrie was right, you really did cave fast on that. Good thing you didn’t give her the golden one, though. It looks like something you could find in Paris Hilton’s hair.
Ah, blue tooth users ain’t bad, it’s a very handy device ….. but if you remember back in the day (you know, the times when we had to churn our own damn butter, not just buy it at Foodtown like you young whipper-snappers do today, you little spoiled basterds), it was the pager that was all the douchebag rage …… Oh, look at me, I’m sooooooo important …. You could have just kept the pager in your pocket, but nooooooooo, I need to wear this insipid device on my belt to let the whole world know I’m special.
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“I’m a buzz-word, blue tooth, jerk off on TV”
— Somebody’s Brother In Law
Here in Scandinavia we luckily sort of skipped the era of the pager, and went straight ahead to the age of the cell phone. The first years made me wanna punch cell phone owners in the face, whenever I saw them prancing around with these log-size, stupid looking apparatuses pressed against their ears. With a big smug smiles on their faces they would announce their most personal and most uninteresting thoughts to anyone with ears. “What’s that? I have hemrrhoids and halitosis? Thanks fo calling, doctor!!!”
Assholes.
Oh man, bad old days.
By the way, spank, you’re funny when you’re bitter. Thanks for making me smile.
You really jumped the gun here because whenever a Bluetooth breaks, the Bluetooth Fairy replaces them under your pillow at night.