I Hate Me, Part 200,771
Once again I was at Foodtown, and of course I was in a rush. It was really sunny out, I have the type of glasses that darken in the sun. Once inside they don’t un-darken very quickly. As I grabbed a basket I saw what I thought was a guy holding a toddler by the chest and neck. I was thinking, “Good Christ, what a terrible way to hold a child”. I was staring at him and “Holy shit! He just pulled his child’s head off, Nooooooo!” I was stunned and staring at him and I realized that it wasn’t a child, it was a melon, a baguette, and a sack of potatoes and the guy was trying to carry everything without a basket. He caught me staring at him and glared and I tried to mime a sorry-I-thought-I-knew-you type thing and I quickly went to the other side of the store. Good Christ, what a terrible way to hold your groceries.
Through darkened lenses, this combination of groceries appeared to be a child
Wow—this might be your best Foodtown post ever! The sketch and caption seal the deal…
Lift some weights, you sad sack melonhead. your arms are like breadsticks.
Ya know, I’ve seen that melon headed, sack o’ po-taters kid somewhere else before, but I can’t remember where … Oh yeah, now I know, he was this weeks Foodtown Mystery Shopper. Had a circle over his face and everything. I saw it in The Courier (The Bayshore’s leading independant newspaper, always found hidden in your bushes, and never on your front porch).
Baguette arms better get his sack o’ po-taters ass down to Foodtown soon if he wants his free $25 shopping spree.
“Area man recieves vison of Infant of Prague at local supermarket. A shrine has been erected in the Produce Department, attracting throngs of lame, blind, and afflicted pilgrims.”