I Hate Me, part 106,227
Since I’ve been on this diet I’ve been cooking a lot of my own food. Usually on a day off I’ll cook a bunch of dinners and freeze them. This of course brings the dog around. Lucy is normally just running around the house on her own like some fur covered Anna Wintour, tearing apart any clothing that she could reach. Today she was on a shoe kick, “grrrr..you call these boots!….GRRRR!…cardboard boxes have more style for your fat stupid feet….grrrrrr!……..IDIOTSgrrrrrrr!” I was cooking some chicken and when she got a whiff of it, she immediately was in the kitchen, staring at me with unblinking eyes. I usually keep some dog treats nearby for when this happens and I threw her a dog biscuit. She looked at it and then back to me, “Aarrfaarrfarff…what the fuck is this?! Some dry fucking cracker bullshit!!? arfarfarffuckthat! “ So being a mental defective, I start talking to her like she’s a little person in fur who can reason and isn’t a dick. “I eat this, it’s good,mmmmm” and I mimed eating a dog biscuit (yes, I have eaten dog biscuits on drunken dares when I was young). She’s just staring, “arfarfarfarf! what am I a jerk?!…Am I blind?!….You didn’t eat that shit…..arfarfarfarf!!!” So I Took another biscuit and put it in the pan I was cooking the chicken in (I had taken the chicken out) and heated it up in some chicken grease and then gave it to her*, “arfarfarfarf…this isn’t that same goddamned biscuit is it?!….mmmm…it kind of smells like people food…..alright….ARFARFARF!…you asshole, you tricked me…arfarfarfarfarfarf….arfarfarfarf!” I gave in and cut her a piece of my chicken. Placated, she went back to critiquing my boots.
*(I would also like to take this opportunity to say, yes I know she’s a dog and yes I know it’s bad for her behavior to kow-tow to her, and I’m a shitty weak willed dog owner. I know this)