I Hate Me, Part 105,002

I’ve been eating a lot of apples lately and my favorite seems to be “Jazz” apples. I know, it’s a horrible, horrible name for an apple. It doesn’t bring to mind Coltrane or Miles Davis eating an apple, it makes me think of “jazz hands” and Kenny G but it’s a really good apple. I know there’s people out there (I’m looking at you Matt Forman) who swear by green apples, those people are wrong. Jazz apples are the way to go. I was out the other day trying to find some, I figured Foodtown wouldn’t have any so I went to Whole Foods. Now, my politics are definitely to the left but going to Whole Foods makes me feel like Ted Nugent sometimes. If you go there at the wrong time it seems to be populated by caricatures of every liberal stereotype. People taking things and ideas I believe in and drawing them out to a horribly narcissistic degree. Of course they didn’t have any Jazz apples, so I went to the hot food section and got the next best thing, a nice slab of pork that had been double marinated in self-satisfaction and guilt (it was delicious). I also got a salad to try and offset the porkness of my visit. I got on line to pay, disgusted with myself for coming in to buy something healthy and leaving with the exact opposite (the salad was just a “beard”). The woman who was two customers ahead of me was buying fifteen cents worth of bulk sunflower seeds and the guy ringing her up was being extremely chatty. It was just inane bullshit and I thought he was hitting on her but no, he was just a friendly talkative guy. There’s nothing wrong with being friendly, there’s not enough friendly people around but keep things going, keep ringing up. The guy in front of me also had a longer than needed conversation with the cashier and by the time it was my turn at bat, I was exuding such a strong “DON’T TALK TO ME” vibe that it felt like visible lines of hate were coming off of me. The cashier, who was just being nice didn’t pick up on the message of “AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGHHHHHH! just fucking ring me up and shut-up!” that I was sending him telepathically and was chatting away. I was wooden with anger but not rude. I finally paid and was steaming out of the store when the automatic sliding door was a little slow and I walked into it head first. It was pretty goddamned funny. I went to Foodtown that night, they had Jazz apples and all was right with the world.

    • spank
    • January 24th, 2012

    Jazz apples are good for one thing … to be inserted in the mouth of a whole roasted piggy (of which you bought yourself a big ‘ol slab of). Now, if were talkin’ bout real apples, let’s discuss Honeycrisp’s … now that’s an apple worth writing about. Sweet, firm and tart all in one delicious bite.

    And why the fuck are you writing about apples today ?? Don’t you know that today is National Peanut Butter Day ?? I can’t wait for your Halloween post on July 4th …..

    • klutch
    • January 24th, 2012

    Wait, is “Jazz” the name of the hybrid or the company that clones them? It looks like a standard Fuji to me…

    • Twisty
    • January 24th, 2012

    What’s the picture on the label of? I can’t tell and it’s driving me crazy.

      • spank
      • January 24th, 2012

      It’s an apple with “enza” written on it, in front of a green pear, in front of a big red blotch.

        • Twisty
        • January 25th, 2012

        Oh, disappointing, I thought it was some kind of dragon or monster.

    • Granny Smith
    • January 24th, 2012

    Sonny Boy, you know nothing about apples.

    • Chris Burns
    • January 25th, 2012

    Why not try Adams Sour Apple Gum, first introduced in 1965? Brought back by Cadbury in 2005, it could help you pass the time running between Whole Foods and Foodtown.

    • fishbreath
    • January 25th, 2012

    I like “offset the porkness of my visit”
    thank you for another brilliant “i hate me.”
    keep ‘em coming.

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