Archive for January 2nd, 2012

I Hate Me, Part 205,119

I don’t go to the movies that often. I like movies, I just don’t get around to going that often. It’s expensive and I generally hate most of the people who are in the theater with me. My wife likes going to the movies because she is a normal human being and has a higher threshold for dealing with assholes and annoying people (ie: she’s married to me). We went to see The Artist (the silent film thing). I’m not going to go all Gene Shalit on you but I liked it. We each got a popcorn and a drink before sitting down. I was sitting on the aisle. The coming attractions had just started, I had the bag of popcorn between my knees and I was wrestling with the top of the water bottle. I dropped the unopened bottle and as I was instinctively reaching for it, squeezed my knees together and about half of the popcorn shot up like a geyser and landed all over the floor, “Fuck!” This earned me an elbow from Carrie (hushed stage whisper) “what…are …you…doing?”. I honestly couldn’t say because I didn’t really know what the fuck I was doing, outside of making a mess. Then for some reason the kid who was main usher walked up to the front of the theater and announced that he was the usher, “Hello, my name is John I will be your usher for the evening..blahblahblah”. Carrie and I are nudging each other and trying not to giggle. What the fuck is this guy doing, who gives a shit who our usher is. I’m sure this poor bastard has no desire to walk up in front of a bunch of middle aged jerk-offs and announce that he’s their usher. After he’s finished, a couple of people in the crowd applaud for him, Aaauuuggghhh!. About this time Carrie spilled about half of her popcorn on the floor, not out of some marital solidarity with me, she was just being clumsy. Our row was a fucking pigsty, covered in popcorn and the movie hadn’t even started yet. We were trying not to laugh and not really succeeding. I was using my feet to try and drag away all the popcorn that had landed in the aisle and as our usher John was walking back after making his speech I almost tripped him. This earned me a glare, then he saw our popcorn strewn row which got us another glare.
You know, this story is even more pointless than my usual drivel. Happy new year.

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