Archive for August 11th, 2009

A Quick Run to the Store (the forgotten ring of hell)

I had just cooked a bunch of chicken on the grill and I thought there was a bunch of Tupperware to put it in. Of course not, five tops and no containers. So a quick run to the store was in order, I wanted to get home in time to see the Mets lose (something they’ve unfortunately become very good at). As I’m pulling in to the store a jerk is speeding down the wrong way in the parking lot, and gives me the stink eye (grrrrrr). I grab a basket, head down an aisle and I see a tiny little kid carrying a basket full of food. Jesus, this kid is strong. Nope, it’s a midget (or a tiny person, I’m not sure what’s correct at this point) and of course he catches me looking at him and I get a look that says YouNeverSeenAMidget,YouAsshole. I back out of the aisle and try the next one, I’m stuck behind a guy who’s weaving and slow and eating a giant bag of chips, an eat and shop guy. Oh yeah, he’s a fat guy wearing a way too small shirt for a mixed martial arts school. Now I’m a fat guy as well and the first goddamn rule of clothing is, Non Embarrassing, Loose Fitting, Coverage. (A good example: many years ago I found a really cool Funkadelic-America Eats It Young long sleeve black T-shirt in large, I thought I could pull it off. Not even close, if you had given me a snorkel I would have looked like part of the Funkadelic Dive Team). I finally grab the Tupperware containers and head to the check out, 10 items or less. I’m third in line, the first guy is a giant musclebound douche who must have thought the sign said 10 bags of groceries or less. So the second guy in line and I are exchanging What-The-Fuck-Is-This-Asshole-Doing looks, finally after a problem with his bonus points card Mr.musclebound douche is gone. The next guy is up, I thought he was alright, we were both angered by the first guy and he only had a few vegetables,Pow! The shopping bag’s not right, “Could you put the food in a plastic bag than put that bag in a paper bag and then put that bag in another plastic bag.” The kid bags it, incorrectly. “No, no I’m sorry. You put the food in a paper bag than put that in a plastic bag, I need you to put the food in a plastic bag than a paper bag than another plastic bag, It’s stronger that way, thank you”. I was stupefied, the Mets were down 2-0 by the time I got home.

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